5 Photo Captions - Burning Mannequins

We need to set the record straight up front - we are opposed to setting little girls on fire. In fact, we vehemently disapprove of any form of child-fueled conflagration. That's the kind of stand we're willing to take on this blog. We're also not terribly crazy about dragging nuns behind trucks but that's not really pertinent right now.

Today's picture is brought to us by the Consumer Product Safety Commission as a pre-July 4th warning on the hazards of fireworks. These two darling mannequins are strategically placed so that one sets the other on fire with a measly little sparkler. Presumably, their dresses are made of fatwood or the rags used to clean up the Exxon Valdez oil spill.



Douglas's list:
1. There could be no clearer representation of the danger posed when one motionless girl is positioned to hold fire against another motionless girl.

2. "Gimme the magnifying glass! I want to do the other one!"

3. K-Mart eventually caved in to the powerful Mormon lobby and destroyed the "plastic harlot temptresses".

4. Sparklers don't kill people. Animated, blood-thirsty mannequins with sparklers kill people.

5. If you find yourself stranded on a desert island with two white girls, you can rub them together to make fire.

Philip's list:
1. It’s never pretty when Old Navy mannequins get into a turf war.

2. “This’ll teach you to show up at the mannequin party wearing the same dress as me, bitch!”

3. “A lot of you may be thinking that this looks dangerous, but really who among us wouldn’t be better off without their right breast and belly button?”

4. “That one took a whole 12 seconds before the face started to melt. Tell Wal-Mart we’ve got another kids dress ready for them.”

5. “To wrap things up, children, what do we do when we suspect that our sister is a witch?”

We are both confident that you can do better than this. Nothing screams "funny" like burning kids. Please put your own captions in the Comments section below. You could win our grand pri...our grand...hey where'd we put that thing? Has anyone seen that cartoon picture of the Wonder Twins? Dammit, we had it here just a second ago.

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Top 5 Next Celebrities To Die

The sudden rash of celebrity deaths over the past week has people worried about who will be next. But since we prefer to see the coffin as half-full, we’d like to help you win your office’s “Death Pool” by predicting not just which celebrities will die next, but also how it will happen. You’re welcome, America.



Philip's list:

1. Corey Feldman - He and MJ had a pact and we expect him to honor it.

2. Dick Cheney - Heart rust.

3. Gary Busey - The Medical Examiner won't be able to tell if it was alcohol poisoning, the truck that drove over his head, or the fact that he was trying to cut out his own liver and replace it with a carton of cigarettes.

4. Aretha Franklin - C-H-O-C-O-L-A-T-E.

5. Paris Hilton - Trying to lick crumbs out of the bottom of her toaster.




Douglas's list:

1. Jessica Simpson - Inflated beyond recommended PSI.

2. Kate Gosselin - Hit head after tripping on uterus.

3. Perez Hilton - Extreme dehydration from crying about getting bitch slapped by Black Eye Peas manager.

4. George Michael - Repeated blunt trauma to uvula.

5. Either Dyer - Excessive post-circumcision blood loss.

While we're certain that all of our celebrity death predictions will come true within the next 60-75 years, you probably have some of your own. Tell us all about them now!

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Caption Winners!

Last week's sudden downpour of dead celebrities caused us to change our lineup just a tad, but we still have two proud winners to recognize today. The first winner for captioning the lovely photo of Satan jumping over babies stacked up in the middle of the road like cord wood goes to:

Winner #1



"May the stench of my feet compel you!" - by LadySarcasm

Congratulations, Chica! You've won a tiny cartoon!

Honorable mentions go to moooooog35, Christina_the_wench, and Quirkyloon. For those of you following closely, yes, those were the only other people to enter, but we still liked them. For reals, yo.


Winner #2

Our other award winner this week is for the best made-up celebrity quote about Michael Jackson's untimely passing. And the chintzy WonderTwin icon goes to:



Elton John: Of course, I'll be singing at his funeral. Now, what's a word for 'pedophile' that rhymes with 'candle'? - by KathCom

Dishonorable mentions go to Sue, Jon, and our old friend Gaines. All of you were almost good enough, but not.

Here is your extraordinarily prestigious award:



Congratulations!

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Michael Jackson - Death of a Honky

At last, the day Elvis has been waiting for has finally arrived. Michael, prepare to get your ass kicked something proper. No, no, we can't. It's too soon to make fun. Although my four-year-old, Hambone probably said it best while watching a news report - "Hey, look at that lady!" I swear to God.



Today would normally be a caption contest but today is not a normal day, is it? Instead we have decided to do a quote contest. Many celebrities have weighed in with their statements and well-wishes. We don't have time to read them all so we made some up. Today's prize will go to the person who makes up the best celebrity quote about the passing of Michael Jackson. God speed, Michael. God speed.

Philip's list:

1. Al Sharpton, Jr. – This great tragedy once again allows the country to come together and watch me try to explain how this is really all about me.

2. Liza Minnelli – I just can’t stop crying because this is the greatest tragedy to befall our nation in so, so long. The untimely passing of, um… wait, who’s this for again? Mother?

3. Paris Hilton – That’s like, way uncool. He used to be all hot and stuff. He’s like, probably not any more.

4. President of NAMBLA – We are absolutely devastated by the passing of our leading donator and the head of our Santa Barbara chapter.

5. The Ghost of Farrah Fawcett – Seriously? You couldn’t have waited just one week? TMZ was just about to start shooting a one-hour special about me!

Douglas's list:

1. George Foreman - I will always remember where I was when I found out about Michael’s death. Cooking delicious, juicy burgers on my George Foreman grill. $49.99 at all Wal Mart and Target locations just in time for July 4th!

2. Lisa Marie Presley - I can't really comment because I'm contractually obligated to lie about our marriage for seven years after his death.

3. President Obama - As a man who is also of mixed heritage, I can certainly symp...what's that? He's 100% black? Bitch please, I ain't blind!

4. McCaulay Culkin - Thank God I can finally sleep through the night.

5. Britney Spears - Y'all? He was, like, totally the best ever y'all?! Hold Momma's gum Preston. Preston!!! Gum!!! OK now, can y'all see my cooter from that angle?

Surely there are some celebrity quotes we missed. Lay the best one on us in the Comments section and you just might get yourself one of these twins cartoon pictures. No, seriously. Oh and it's not too late to get in on our other contest here.

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Top 5 Lies About Where Mark Sanford Was Last Week

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared for several days recently without telling anyone where he was. We now know he was in Argentina with his girlfriend, Maria Belen Shapur, and not just out “walking the Appalachian Trail,” unless that's a new euphemism that we haven't heard of yet. Here are some of the other excuses he considered using before admitting to the affair:



Philip's list:

1. I was with Chris Ensign the whole time at some sort of religious conference thing. Go ahead, Chris Ensign. Tell them that's where we were.

2. I was just taking my career out for one last trip before it died.

3. One thing for sure is that I wasn't anywhere in South America and, even if I were, I definitely wasn't banging some chick there. Especially not in Buenos Aires. Seriously, guys, you shouldn't even bother looking into anything like that.

4. I was with Ed McMahon all week. Go ask him yourself.

5. Every seven years, I must return to my home planet Vulcan to perform the ritual of Pon Farr. That's totally where I was.


Douglas's list:

1. Well, I went to Las Vegas and they have this funny rule there.

2. I was like, totally spending the night at a friend's house and like, my cell phone quit working, and like, my friend's Mom totally knew where I was so it was cool.

3. My GPS has really been on the fritz lately. I just looked up and a sign said "Welcome to Argentina".

4. I've been here the whole time! South Carolina, you just got PUNKED!!!

5. South Carolina can take care of itself for a few days. Worse comes to worse, there are 49 other perfectly good states.


Hey, don't forget to enter these captions contests:

- Our Own Jumping Satan
- Chica's Hungriest Man Alive
- Kirsten's Big Hair
- Heather's Cigarette Head

- And wish Joe a speedy recovery! Get well soon, DOM!

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Whee, we got a Wii! Oui! - by Douglas

So what did YOU get for Father’s Day? Uh huh, uh huh, that’s nice. So…anything you want to ask ME? Oh, I got a Wii, how sweet of you to ask. Most afternoons you can find me, knees shoulder-width apart, controller in one hand, nunchuk in the other, glaring intently at my TV like it is the enemy I am about to vanquish. And vanquish it I do. Along with my dignity but we’re behind closed doors here, people.


I am not proud of the fact that my four year old, Hambone, and I have already had an argument over who gets the white controller versus the red one. He won the first time but I’m keeping track. Speaking of Hambone, we’ve decided not to let him play the boxing game yet because it’s pretty violent and we already have enough trouble keeping him from headbutting the dog. Accidentally. Again. But for some reason we do let him compete in Olympic fencing where the object is to stab the other person with a sword. I think we’re OK with this because the sword is called an epee (EPP-ay) and no one could possibly suffer serious injury from something so…I don’t know…French? Well, you get the picture. Might as well be stabbing each other with lip gloss.

And now for the confession – I’m sore. From a video game. Everything from my wrists to my thickly-blanketed trapezoids have seen more action this week than Lance Bass at fraternity rush. (Again with the gay? Heard of the 21st century?) The object of Wii is to mimic your physical motions through characters on your TV. But without buying expensive-ass mats and whatnot, all of the activity is significantly arm-based. You run and do the long jump, among many other typically leggy exertions, by pumping your arms frenetically. I’m told that from behind, this looks downright lecherous.

My theory thus far is that the Wii was specifically designed to make you too weak to put your barely-used game console on EBay. So far, so weak. I couldn’t beat Stephen Hawking at arm wrestling right now if the prize was a well-oiled Megan Fox holding a red velvet cake. At least Hambone and I are getting in some much-needed bonding time. But tonight I get the white controller. I called it – you all heard me.

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5 Photo Captions - Jumping Satan

Sometimes it is really hard not to judge. This is one of those times. There is a village in Spain where they have an unusual tradition. We say "village" because villages are where this kind of goofiness typically happens - not in cities, or even proper towns. Maybe a hamlet or two.

We take you to Castrillo de Murcia in northern Spain. For hundreds of years they have performed a ritual whereby a man dressed as the devil jumps over mattresses full of babies. Real babies. Actual babies. Supposedly this wards off evil spirits. Now we're not exactly Castrillo de Murcia apologists, but this may be a good time to ask yourself when was the last Reuters report you read about evil spirits troubling the good citizens of Castrillo de Murcia. Anything? We didn't think so. It is also our unfortunate duty to inform you that every February we all turn to Punxsutawny, Pennsylvania to find out if a groundhog will make winter last longer. Not so high and mighty now, are you?



Douglas's list:

1. "At the end of round four it's Satan Pedro ahead of Satan Eduardo with a jump of 16 feet, 9 inches. And now we'll take a quick break while we add a new layer of babies to the end of each mattress."

2. This ritual is weird but it's really nothing compared to how they do their circumcisions.

3. It is recommended that parents bring their children back at age ten for a leaping Satan booster jump.

4. "Thanks so much, Satan. Could I just get you to initial little Ricardo's day care application form? I know it's silly but they require it along with the reservation fee up front."

5. I don't know, I guess I just always thought that Satan would have a more macho jump.


Philip's list:

1. Despite failing on all of his 637 previous attempts, for some reason the townspeople still let Sergio use their babies for flying practice.

2. No, this isn't an actual cultural tradition. Spanish people just like to see how stupid tourists are.

3. "Oh look how adorable - they're endangering infants for sport."

4. After the last year's incident, baby jumpers are no longer allowed to wear spikes.

5. It was just Julio's luck that he decided to rob the feathers and baguettes store on Put Your Babies In The Street And Take Pictures Of Them Day.

I'm sure we haven't captured every possible description of this airborne Satan wannabe barely clearing a mattress full of Spanish younguns. Please give us your best shots in the Comments section below. This cartoon picture may be your ultimate reward.

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Top 5 Reasons Jon and Kate Are Splitting Up - Plus Awards!

Happy belated Father's Day to you guys who have been fortunate enough to experience the joy that is procreation. (Foreshadowing alert!) Hey, speaking of massive amounts of procreation, how about that Jon and Kate, huh? For those of you who have been living under Delta Burke for the past couple of years, Jon and Kate are the couple who got their own reality TV show on TLC (The Lobotomy Channel) based on the fact that out of two sexual encounters, they have produced 8 (EIGHT!) children.

Sadly, they are supposed to make a big mystery announcement on their show tonight, which every knows will be that they are separating or divorcing. If that turns out not to be true, please disregard the remainder of this blog.

Except for this part! This is the part where we announce the winners of last week's two caption contests. The winners will be driving home with their very own twin picture thing. Specifically this:


Please save the applause for the end. Our first picture featured an unfortunately clad woman of a certain age on the beach with a military helicopter in the background. Pretty generic stuff, I know.


We had a tough time ruling out most of Moog's entries including:
"Grandma apparently misunderstood Jimmy when he asked her to bring rolls to the picnic."
"Whatever this is, it HAS to be better than watching 'Cloverfield.'"
And Jenn Thorson's "And Sunrise Beach's first choice for burying up to the neck in the sand goes to..."
And Kirsten's "Even though past her prime, Mata Hari insists upon never retiring."

Philip lobbied very hard for Ettarose's entry, "First I must say I LOVE the picture. No not the woman, YOU Phillip. Hot I must say." Bonus points for good taste are awarded to Etta for complimenting the looks of my twin.

But we did finally settle on Surveygirl46 with her caption:
"Although "Sta-Puff" marshmellow HAD lost a lot of weight, wearing a bikini this early in the game was still a bit much..."
Congratulations Miss Girl46. Please pick up your award at the claims desk.

Our second picture featured a lily-white lump of bread dough toting his expensive golf clubs on the subway. Very out of place, this chap was.



Again Moog scored high marks with his:
"This course wouldn't take so long if they didn't put the holes so damn far apart."
and
"According to the police report, Jim's last words were, 'Who wants to wash my balls?'"
Sue also ranked with:
"Did anyone see a Titleist Pro V1 roll in here? Do you mind if I play through?"
But the winner of this contest goes to Chris with:
"Chiang-Foo Kong regrets his decision to trade an awesome set of Callaways for a used skateboard."
Congratulations Chris.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming. Top 5 reasons Jon and Kate are splitting up.


Philip's list:

1. Turns out that having camera crews record every minute of your life can actually increase an already stressful situation. Who knew?

2. Kate liked to spank the kids, but adamantly refused to spank Jon.

3. It’s true what they say – ladies can’t resist a guy with 8 children who’s married to a batshit crazy bitch.

4. Jon’s insistence on selecting nannies based solely on their headshot.

5. Jon kept going to the store for diapers and coming back with just a half-empty box of condoms.

Douglas's list:

1. Kate was really getting lax about changing the water in Jon's testicle jar.

2. At recent The Learning Channel promotional event, Jon caught banging that midget lady from "Little People Big World".

3. Between his hair plugs and her spiky do, they couldn't come within five feet of each other without inflicting serious injury.

4. Kate was completely unwilling to hear Jon's argument on which child they should eat if the economy got any worse.

5. Jon was insistent about changing title of show to Jon And Kate Plus Eight Minus Kate Plus That Chick From The Bar.

Congratulations again to Chris and Surveygirl46 on their deserving wins. As always, our thoughts and prayers are with Jon and Kate and their scientifically enhanced brood. And of course with the hellbound producers of their show who destroyed a family in their pursuit of TV ratings. Oh, who am I kidding, I would have left her before the fourth or fifth one popped out. If you are aware of any other reason that Jon and Kate will be going their separate ways, please tell us in the Comments section.

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5 Photo Captions - US Open Fever

It's that time of year again. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and millionaires are screaming at their balls. That's right, the US Open is this week and despite inclement weather at the Open, the nation is positively gripped with US Open fever. That and swine flu.

We found this doughy patron of all things suburbia grossly misplaced on public transportation along with a bitchin' set of Callaway golf clubs. His expression bespeaks anxiety for his possessions and his very chastity. We were helpless to resist. Please add your own captions in the Comments section below. And remember, it's not just for laughs and posterity - it's also for this here worthless prize.




Philip's list:

1. Danny’s friends made fun of him when he stayed up every night perfecting his peripheral vision, but the braless MILF to his right was making it all worthwhile.

2. “Would you say that this shirt is mango-colored, or more of a saffron? Oh, never mind, I can see you’re busy leaning on your skateboard.”

3. “That's right, kids. If you study hard and keep out of trouble, one day you can grow up to be this puta’s gardener.”

4. “Dear God, if you just get me off of this train alive, I promise to dedicate the rest of my life to ending hateful stereotypes.”

5. So far, five people on this train have decided to mug the dumbass white boy as soon as he gets out. Nope, make that six.

Douglas's list:

1. "Whassup my dawgs? Just been out hittin' more little white balls than Madonna at a Bar Mitzvah, yo! Can I get a what what?"

2. "I don't want to cause a stink here but...aren't you supposed to give me your seat?"

3. "I will not poo myself on the subway. I will not poo myself on the subway. I will not..."

4. There were violent consequences when Logan misunderstood the man's request to see his Big Bertha.

5. Long story short, Ashton Kutcher and the other producers of Punked had to buy the man some new clubs and pay for his anus to be re-attached.

Oh my GOD that was fun! Really, you should try it. This guy is pleading for a caption! You're not going to ignore him are you? Are you??

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Top 5 Iranian Tweets

Despite a media crackdown in Iran following their disputed presidential elections, many young Iranians have been able to communicate with the outside world by using Twitter. Here are some of the Tweets that have managed to get out so far.



Philip's 5:

1. Riots in street. Cars burning. Just scored tix to Jonas Bros concert in Damascus!! #jonasbrothers

2. @farzad Dude, assloads of people marching outside. Did something happen? Been hittin tha chronic w/my boyz this wk.

3. Forget about all this Ahmedinijad and Mousavi crap – have you seen the new topless pic of Lindsay Lohan? Hot!! #lindsaylohan

4. @ramesh WTF, girl? You can’t come over to help me w/hmwrk but you have time to meet Behrouz for lunch? Way uncool! #bitch

5. Had lamb kabob and kateh for breakfast. Going to check out Year One at multiplex with my posse. Death to America. #jackblack

Douglas's 5:

1. I don't know who this is but if you ask to see my daughter's knees one more time I will break you.

2. I wish everyone on the street would hush up. They're about to announce whether Madonna got that baby. #madonnaisgod

3. Thousands marching! Streets packed with young Iranians. Total gropefest! Partayzies!

4. I stopped being upset that my vote doesn't count once I heard about America's electoral college. LAME!

5. @sharzi OMG, I am ttlly out of lip wax, the streets are packed, and Mohammed is picking me up at 6! Plz tell me you have a Sally's Beauty by your house!

If any of you have seen any tweets from our Persian brethren and sistren, please let us know in the Comments section below.

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Why?

I have been wondering about a few things this week and would like to put some questions to you, Dear Readers. No, this doesn't have anything to do with the ontological proof of the existence of God or anything like that - more along the lines of why Malawi is giving Madonna another baby. If you have any extremely shallow questions or answers of your own, please reply quickly before I think of any more.


Why did they wait so long to release the Ghostbusters video game? At this point, Ray Parker, Jr. will undoubtedly be too busy with other projects to record the music for it. Good luck getting the purists on board, Columbia Pictures!



Why did the Iranians even bother having an election if they’re not even going to try and make it look like peoples’ votes were actually counted? Come on down to Louisiana and we’ll show you how it’s done. Here’s an idea: Schedule your next election during the week of Mardi Gras so that people will be too drunk to pay attention to the results. You're welcome, Iran!




Why is Amy Winehouse still alive? Her body must be at least 75% liver by now, which is not within the AMA’s recommended parameters.





Why can’t politicians keep their penises in their pantaloons? Republican senator, John Ensign of Nevada just admitted to having an affair with a friend’s wife. This is the same guy who called for Clinton to resign and said that Senator Larry Craig was “disgusting” for soliciting sex in an airport men’s room. Okay, maybe he was right about that (Germs!), but the question remains - Is it time to start having all of our representatives spayed and neutered?


Why do celebrities never have to face justice for anything? Cleveland Browns receiver Donte Stallworth ran over and killed a man while driving drunk and he was sentenced to 30 days in jail and a $2500 fine. It just so happens that there are three people that I would like to kill and I have $7500 in savings and a bottle of Jaegermeister in my glove compartment. Now if I can just sign a quick contract with the Oakland Raiders and set my Tivo to record three months worth of "Jon & Kate Plus Eight," I’ll be ready to go.



Why are Heidi Pratt and that drooling troll doll she’s married to ever allowed to speak in public? And how could they possibly have written a book if neither of them can recognize more than 17 letters of the English alphabet? Considering the proximity of Malibu to the Pacific Ocean, I have another question – Is global warming really such a bad thing?


Okay, I'm glad I got that off of my chest. Now if I could just say the same thing about my vestigial third nipple. I know you have questions of your own and maybe even some answers, so let us hear about them in the Comments section. Holla!

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5 Photo Captions - Bikini Lady

Okay, kids, it's time to lube up your captioning muscles (Is that something that people do?) and enter our new contest for this delicious picture of a woman almost losing her bikini top as she strolls down the beach. Hawt! But first, you'll have to wade through our mean, mean captions that this poor woman surely didn't deserve at all. We're sorry, bikini lady! We have absolute confidence that all of you can do better, so click the Comments link and prove us right. We look forward to judging you.



Philip's list:

1. One bag of Ho-Hos, one bag of Bear Claws - okay we're ready to hit the beach!

2. Military officials rush to pull up this woman's sagging left bikini strap before disaster strikes.

3. "Thank God you're here! Someone stole my entire bag of Toblerones!"

4. "I agree that she is quite a large woman in immodest beachwear, but the next time you call in an air strike, please make sure that there is an actual military threat."

5. "Oh, I'm sorry. From the sky it looked liked a giant nipple was eating beachgoers."


Douglas's list:

1. "I heard there were some soldiers over here giving free rides. Hey, what's with the helicopter?"

2. "We'd heard the U.S.O. budget was slashed but we had no idea it would be this bad."

3. Finally grasping the severity of the situation, Sergeant Thomas called in for the sunscreen power hose.

4. Osama Bin Laden's new disguise was so effective, he couldn't help but flaunt it a little.

5. When Jenny Craig said she would force her to pose in a bikini like Valerie Bertinelli, Kirstie Alley was only sorry she responded, "Yeah, you and what army?"

Not tired of captions yet? Go check out our fellow captioneers Chica, Kirsten, and Mr. Crotchety.

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Top 5 Annoying Things Co-Workers Say

Does office hallway conversation drive you bat-guano crazy? Do people frequently pass by your cubicle and make inane comments? Several times a day? Then you should probably go read another blog, because today we bring you the top five things that co-workers say as they pass you in the hallway.

Not so fast! We've got some awards to hand out first. We had 2 (two!) caption contests last week and we had some really crappy entries which we have labored for minutes to whittle down to the least crappy. I can feel your pride swelling now. That better be your pride, mister!


The first winner of the "twinsy", as it is was recently referred to by Ryan Seacrest, is Nonamedufus with this caption: "Okay, we found the car. Has anyone seen 38 clowns?"


For our second contest we should give one honorable mention to Don who was too transfixed with Chica's butt to actually provide an entry. For all the right reasons. But the award goes to Nipsy with her entry, "They said with a little practice and a lot of lube, it wouldn't hurt..they lied." We were both moved by the biographical nature of her entry. Very touching.


Now back to our top five - things that make you wish killing your co-workers was only a misdemeaner, or something along those lines.


Philip's list:

1. Yo, Toots, what say we blow off the sensitivity training and go spend a little quality time in the supply closet?

2. As the boss walks by, “If you just recompile those subroutines, that should resynergize the, um… Is he gone? Cool. Seriously does anyone here actually know how to work these computer thingies?”

3. What say you and me go grab some burritos for lunch and then come back and cropdust the entire marketing department?

4. There you are! Do you know that you still haven’t ordered any wrapping paper from my niece’s Girl Scouts fundraiser? Don't worry, I have the brochure on me right now!

5. Coming through! Got a giant deuce prairie dogging here so make a path!

Douglas's list:

1. Another day at the old salt lick. I mean..mine...I...lick mine...I'll just go up to HR now.

2. Working bare or barely working?

3. What's happening, manchiefdawgdudeperson?

4. Another blessed day nestled in the arms of the baby Jesus! Can I get a hallelujah!

5. It's time to rape the doughnuts!

Congratulations again to both deserving winners of last week's captions contests. Any of you have annoying co-workers you'd like to unburden yourselves with on our little blog? That's why God gave us the Comments section.

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5 Photo Captions - Monkeys

Monkeys. God bless 'em. They just run around being monkeys and we can't help but point and laugh. Of course they would have zero compunction about sinking their fangs deep into our tracheas so who's the real bad guys here? Hmmm?

What? Our captions aren't good enough for you? Well fine, go check out someone else's! The Screaming Me-Me - The Impartial Jury of Three is waiting to judge your efforts. I hear Juror 2 is on the take. Mum's the word.

Here are some snow monkeys grooming each other in the Central Park Zoo.



Douglas's list:

1. "They were all just big promises and hot air. I haven’t gotten a single royalty check from Madagascar or Madagascar 2, Escape 2 Africa."

2. "See Marge, it says 666, just like in the movie. Well, our son is the Devil."

3. Now that PoPo turned 40, he really dreaded his routine checkups.

4. They were both starting to get a little suspicious of Bongo's "fell on the banana" alibi.

5. "Whoa, that is RED! Do all of our asses look like that?"


Philip's list:

1. I can haz rectal exam?

2. “So then I says to Mabel, ‘If he can’t be bothered to swing across the moat and bring you back some bananas, then you need to kick that trash to the curb!’”

3. Mr. Bojangles was already regretting his decision to get the “I ♥ bananas” tattoo

4. “Look at him up there getting his tail fur braided again. ‘Alpha male’ my ass!”

5. Every once in awhile, Bingo regretted going into the simian porn industry.

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Top 5 Least Popular Summer Camps

Schools all over America are closing for the summer, forcing parents who have put off registering their children for summer camp to select from a number of less-than-desirable options. Here are some of the last summer camps that are still taking applications:


Philip's List:

1. Camp Pet-O-File: For all you animal lovers out there who want to spend the summer having fun with your pets. Why - what did you think it meant?

2. Kentucky Mash Camp: A must for science lovers, this camp teaches kids the joys of making nice, smooth bourbon for their counselors to enjoy.

3. Crocodile Camp: Hey, kids! Old Man Perkins has been having trouble feeding the crocs since the loss of his second arm, so come on down and learn all about reptile farming!

4. Carnie Camp: Come on, kid, just get in the truck and you can travel all over the country with the carnival, living like a rock star! Hurry up, kid, your mom’s coming back!

5. Camp ConAgra: Your child will enjoy all of the sights and smells of working on the line in a real chicken processing plant!




Douglas's list:

1. The Phil Spector Camp of Hair Design and Target Shooting. Stop wearing caps and start popping caps as you learn the secrets of hair magnificence and the masculine power of handguns.

2. The Jennifer Lopez "How to Get Rich With Your Ass" Camp. Optional weekend courses to include lip-synching and shadow-humping backup dancers.

3. The Brett Favre Quarterback Clinic and Retirement Seminar. You will learn Brett's patented methods for throwing footballs at receivers in any color uniform, while at the same time guiding you through the maze of Medicare options.

4. The Oprah Winfrey Advanced Genital Naming Camp. From Vajayjay to Penisaurus Rex and everything in between - each participant will receive a certificate proudly featuring the likeness and new moniker of their reproductive organs.

5. The Victoria Beckham Intestinal Purging Camp. Posh Spice will explain, and illustrate with lifelike props, her secret methods for gagging and not gagging at will.

Got some fun summer camp names of your own? You know what to do.

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Marriage and Toilets - by Douglas

As of yesterday I have been with the most beautiful, smartest, funniest, sexiest woman on earth for nineteen years - Selma Hayak. Please, please, please don't tell my wife. I'm probably kidding!!! So yesterday was actually my 19th anniversary. Thank you very much, that's kind of you. Literally no one has asked me the secret of our longevity and I'm going to share that with you too. Most adages claim that a marriage will last based on your skills in the kitchen or bedroom. (sophomoric giggle) I disagree. I put to you, dear readers, that a marriage can be saved or lost even more easily in the bathroom.

"But Doug, how can using the bathroom be more important than good food and getting your freak on?" YOU WILL KINDLY SAVE YOUR QUESTIONS FOR THE END OF THE LECTURE!!! Mmfff. I assert that what is happening in the kitchen and bedroom are, in most respects, predictable and generally well-received. On the other hand, what happens in the bathroom is generally poorly received and may be a new experience entirely. Men, prior to marriage, had you ever shared a bathroom with someone who bleeds from their crotch several days a month? Sure, many of you have but you must admit there is a difference between sister cootyhead's cycle and the cycle of someone whose private area is of critical importance to you. Your sister's was too? Dude, you're on the wrong blog. Chris Hansen is down the hall, three doors to your left. Other left. Women, have you shared a bathroom with someone who not only names and categorizes their poos but is also perfectly willing to rate them on a very complicated scale and announce their score to you, unsolicited? Yeah, my wife either. That's just freaky. But you gather now that the very unpredictability of what might happen in there is reason to approach the room with healthy trepidation.

The bottom line (no pun intended) is that you are going to do things in your bathroom that will test your marriage to an unexpected extreme. I barely recall making a toast at our younger brother's wedding where I used the phrase, "The family that sprays together, stays together." Yes I have held these views for a disturbingly long time. And I will give you the same admonishment I offered him - put the toilet seat down. When you're through, of course. Gross. I apologize to my fellow sporters of external genitalia for taking this metrosexualish stance but I have been awakened one too many times by the piercing scream of a woman falling into the toilet at 3am. Never again. *shudder*

General rule of thumb is that you do enough things to piss off your spouse outside of the bathroom so don't add fuel to the fire in there too. That's the last place that needs fuel. And fires. Glade scented candles notwithstanding. You will also need to remove any and all forms of residue prior to leaving the bathroom. Whatever you are doing in there, the only evidence you should leave behind is the faint whiff of lilacs and vanilla, and possibly a little steam. And I'm not suggesting you have to give up your favorite foods, unless you regularly make a meal out of fiber-rich edamame, but there are certain food combinations that should be avoided. I am a big fan of both hummus and scotch. I will never again consume them both within the span of six hours. My lactose intolerance has also proved challenging so I do try to say no to a third helping of Blue Bell Homestyle Vanilla (God's ice cream). Such sacrifices will go a long way towards strengthening the lifelong bond of holy matrimony you and your spouse have entered into. Nineteen years and counting, people. God I miss scotch and hummus.

Happy anniversary honey. I love you. (Not us below. I wish my goatee was that lustrous)

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5 Photo Captions - Pink Car

The actual quote for this picture of people shoving on an ugly-ass pink car is, "Demonstrators descended upon Brighton, England on May Day to call upon Britain to close its arms factories and stop supplying Israel with weapons." I'm not sure what pushing pink cars has to do with supplying Israel with weapons, but do these things always have to make sense? Speaking of not making sense, check out the alternative captions that we've written below.

By the by, if you like captioning you should also go check out some of our friends:
Chica - Look, don't touch. Oh all right, you can touch.
Da Old Man - His secret to longevity is television. I may live forever.
Kirsten - She's recently back from vacation and may still be a little hungover. Caption softly please.



Douglas's list:

1. "OK now, push! Hang on, that's not right either. Let's swap sides and try again."

2. Years of playing World of Warcraft had not so much "steeled their resolve" as it had "atrophied their spindly muscles."

3. Five seconds later, they had created the world's pinkest accordion.

4. "Yeah, this is why I became Riot Control certified. So me and a bunch of emos could play tug of war with Herbie the Pink Freaking Love Bug!"

5. "Oh, I thought YOU were going to pop the clutch. Man, we are NEVER going to make it to our Ninja finals on time!"


Philip's list:

1. When the Brighton May Day festival organizers say that walk-ins are not allowed in the "Cars Covered With Frosting" contest, they mean that walk-ins are not allowed in the "Cars Covered With Frosting" contest.

2. For future reference, when someone asks you to push a car with them, they mean that they want you to push from the same side.

3. "Look, we're not going to tow away your car just because you don't like it any more, so you might as well stop pushing."

4. "Okay, everybody know the rules? First one to push the car past the other team's goal wins a box full of teddy bears."

5. Police and locals had trouble coordinating the cleanup efforts following an explosion at the Pepto-Bismol factory.


Okay, it's on, people. Write your own captions for this picture in the Comments section and you might win a weird-looking twin-themed icon from us. Suh-weet!

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Top 7? Yes, Top 7 Things We Love. Plus Awards Aplenty.

Before we get into the business of the day, namely handing out awards for last week's caption contest, I'd like to make a more important announcement. We have won an award for our own damn selves. Theresa over at An Officer and a Garbage Can has given us this here Kreative Blogger award, which we have determined that we richly deserved.

So thanks to Theresa for the award and for setting the theme of today's blog - Top 7 Things That We Love. See, the recipient of this award is supposed to award seven blogs they hold in some esteem as well as list seven things that they love. Then once we reach a certain number, Bill Gates is supposed to give $5,000 to a Nigerian prince or some damn thing. So at the end of this post you will find a list of seven blogs that we read a lot. If yours is not on the list, it is not because we don't like your blog - it's because we don't like you. Quirky!

On with the awards. Real quick-like, we did decide on a whole new award which we proudly unveil right here for the first time on network television:

I know, it is awesome isn't it? Philip's the one on the right. Your right. And without further ado, the first recipient of the much-self-hyped Dyer Boys Caption Award is Moog for the following gem:

"As two makeup artists apply the finishing touches to Britney's face, a third artist stationed below makes sure that her wax camel toe looks just right."

Moog, congratulations on what will surely be the first of two or three awards you will receive in the coming years. Gooner, yours was close but you know at this level it's all politics.

The second award goes to...damn I don't even want to say this. You see, this person has recently taken a jab at yours trulies here on another blog and was handsomely rewarded for it. We do not take this lightly and revenge will be ours. But in the meantime, fair is fair and we begrudgingly give this award to Quirky. Take it quickly and NO EYE CONTACT!


"Father Patrick looks on woefully as his chance to come on to the Dalai Lama quietly slips through his fingers."

Mmm...bile. And now on to the top seven things that we LOVE!

Douglas's list:

1. Long walks on the beach, hand-in-hand with whoever I just stole from the Alzheimer's Unit. Sorry, that's not right. I meant "whomever."

2. Secretions. I'm not particular, any secretions will do.

3. Practicing the Heimlich Maneuver. Sure, they get really mad since they're not choking but how else can I prepare?

4. Going to one of those Sips 'N Strokes art places and insisting that I'm the nude model for the night.

5. Telling my doctor not to bother with the glove and lubricating jelly but to please call me Tina until he's finished the procedure.

6. Getting lots of free stuff by passing myself off as Halle Berry.

7. The crisp autumn air, the sounds of football on the TV, and the smell of the neighbor's dog on my barbecue. Whoops, better get that collar off him.


Philip's list:

1. Whenever a person says something that I don't like, replying with a single fart.

2. That satisfying “thud” sound when two baseball players are running for the same pop fly and don’t hear each other calling for it.

3. Going up to random people at work and saying, “Dude, I just saw the e-mail. I’m so sorry.”

4. Telling little children that “ESPN” really stands for the “Earth Shall Perish Network” and that if their daddy watches it a lot, then he’s probably an alien sent to destroy our planet.

5. Puppies.

6. Waking up my daughters in the morning by screaming, “Oh my God, we’re all going to die!” The look on their faces is just precious.

7. Secretly replacing my Uncle Wilfred’s heart medication with new Folgers Crystals.

And now we are supposed to prop other bloggers that we enjoy reading. I'm not sure if I used the word "prop" right. Philip can you check on that and get right back to me?

Moog - There is something very wrong with this guy. Read him but DO NOT let your sister near him.

Vic - Funny Teacher Lady. Just the thought of her guiding the future leaders of our nation makes my tummy go all flippy floppy.

LiLu - If she didn't specifically include her picture on her blog with long hair, lipstick, and some pink girl drink, you'd swear she was a dude. That and all the posts she does about menstruation.

Spaz - We didn't really want to add him here but we are required to include a Canadian. Stupid NAFTA.

Sue - Just plain funny. She should have more followers. Go read her. Not so fast, finish reading ours first.

Dizz - Maybe if the rest of you ladies had made a blog appearance topped only in a big white bra, you might have also made an appearance on this list too. Well, biggish.

Sassy - She is still the only person we know of ever to write, "I swear to teacups!" If that's not a hook, I don't know what is.

Bearing in mind that "meme" is a four-letter word, you fellow bloggers are under no obligation to take this any further. We just thought we'd be nice for once. Feels a little weird. Like swallowing live goldfish but not so tickly.

Anything you LOVE? Prove it in the Comments section.

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5 Photo Captions - Dalai Lama

Today's picture is of the Dalai Lama. Here is the actual caption, "The Dalai Lama, exiled Tibetan spiritual leader, second left, seen, during a meeting with Rabbi Awraham Soetendorp, left, and Pastor Ad van der Helm, far right, in The Hague, Netherlands." YAWN!!! So we've spruced it up a bit with our own humble suggestions below.

Please add your caption in the Comment section and don't forget, we will be awarding a meaningless and utterly worthless prize for the best caption today and from Tuesday's contest too. Those awards will be distributed at EXACTLY WHENEVER THE HELL WE FEEL LIKE IT!!! Or Monday, whichever comes first. We did let you peep the award on Tuesday but we are waffling like an IHOP. It's probably the one we'll go with but we'll know for sure about a minute before the announcement.

And now, hello Dalai! OK, that was really lame. C'mon man erase that. Do NOT hit the button to PUBLI



Douglas's list:

1. "Look Rabbi, I appreciate the drink and all but when you said you were taking me to a Dutch coffee house, I just assumed we were going to score some spliff."

2. "Dude, you told me this was going to be a toga party. I am so hating on you right now."

3. "I feel confident that our shared love of peace and global harmony will...will...hang on a sec...bitch, I said no cream in my coffee! Are you deaf or just a freaking idiot??!!"

4. Miss Periwinkle would later tell her friends that she fondled the Dalai Lama's cup.

5. The pastor felt a little left out since the others just rambled on about how great the DaVinci Code was.


Philip's list:

1. “Oh dear. If this is the Coffee and Kahlua, then that means I must have given Father Patrick the Organic Chai Latte by mistake.”

2. “Look, Rabbi, I’m just saying my water glass was full a minute ago, and now it’s empty. We’re not going to have a problem here, are we?”

3. “I don’t mean any offense, Rabbi, but I just think it would be better if Carol put the plate of snickerdoodles out of your reach.”

4. “And then I told my caddy that I wasn’t going to give him any money for his tip, but that on his deathbed, he will have perfect enlightenment. Can you believe he fell for that bullshit? He said he was going to put that line in a movie, but I’ve never heard any more about it.”

5. The professional joke writer sitting by the door suddenly noticed who was sitting at the table and made a mad scramble to find his notepad.

OK people, it's the freaking Dalai Lama sitting with a preacher and a rabbi. We're handing you a comedy goldmine. Don't let us down.

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Top 5 Surprises in NBC's White House Tour

NBC’s Brian Williams recently completed the first behind-the-scenes tour of the Obama White House, observing first-hand all of the inner workings of this new presidential administration. Here are some of the surprises that he learned during his time in the White House:



Philip's list:

1. Obama keeps all of the nuclear launch codes written on left forearm.

2. President Bush left a huge stash of comic books in his bottom desk drawer.

3. Rahm Emanuel cries like a baby every time a General Foods International Coffee ad comes on TV.

4. They're totally stealing cable from next-door neighbor.

5. For some reason, President Clinton's old headboard is covered in notches.


Douglas's list:

1. President Obama can't go to sleep unless his Hello Kitty nitelite is on.

2. Just tons of Monica Lewinski's bubble gum stuck under Oval Office desk.

3. That guy Cheney shot is stuffed and mounted in the Lincoln Bedroom.

4. Michelle insisted that Laura Bush's stripper pole be removed from the Presidential bedroom.

5. Front door bell plays 50 Cent's "In The Club."


Know some interesting facts about Obama's White House? Leave them in the Comments!

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I Swear, People

Let me start this long-ass post by saying that I love swear words. I mean, not as much as that Dani chick, but it’s still an important part of my everyday communications. It could be because I was brought up in a conservative, Baptist household where things like cursing, drinking, and expressing emotions were simply not tolerated. Or maybe it’s because I have a longstanding fascination with language and just naturally appreciate its most colorful elements. Whatever the reason, I freakin’ loves me some swear words, bitchezz.

Of course, we are trying to maintain our “PG-13” rating on this blog, so I won’t be using any actual George Carlin-level swear words in this post about cursing, but I do plan to include mature situations and graphic violence, just to keep from sliding back into wimpy “PG” territory. My point is that cursing plays a vital role in communication and is actually one of the best ways to make conversations more lively and expressive. For example, if you say to your grandmother, “Please pass the mashed potatoes,” you have done nothing to contribute to the evening’s conversation. But if you instead say to her, “Lay some f-ckin spuds on me, you old ho-bag,” then you will be saying something that will add to your family’s rich oral tradition for many years to come. Also note, that CPR experts advise using ten heart pumps for each breath now.



Because of my own less-than-tolerant upbringing, I have tried to maintain a much more liberal attitude toward cursing with my own children. Though let me state for the record that I still don’t allow my daughters to break God’s law by using birth control while having pre-marital sex. No point in sinning two times at once. But even though I do swear occasionally in front of my own daughters (“Occasionally” = 10-15 times per hour. Okay, maybe 25-30. Or so.), they still haven’t picked up any of my tendencies toward verbal flair just yet.

My younger daughter absolutely hates curse words and corrects me loudly whenever I use one, which is why I try to curse only when discussing how things went during my older daughter’s day at school. Even still, my older daughter (who is 15) remains extremely shy about using curse words around me. She recently banged her knee while getting into the car and let out a loud, “F-ck!” which completely mortified her since it was the first time she has ever said that word in front of me. She hasn’t turned so red since that trip to the beach when I couldn’t be bothered to walk the 75 yards back to the car to get the sunscreen. Kids can be so much work! Anyway, a good guess is that my daughters are having the equal and opposite reaction to cursing as I had as a child. Since they hear their dad doing it all the time, they naturally want no part of it. I believe that I’ve mentioned before that this is precisely why I’ve decided to have sex exclusively with men until my daughters leave the house, just so that they will have no interest in doing so themselves. Perhaps I’m taking this a bit too far.

One thing that I learned while living overseas is that cursing is not perceived at all the same way in other countries as it is here in America. In Japan, schoolkids would often say the equivalent to “damn” and sh-t” throughout the day. And just as the Japanese are far superior in their commercial-making abilities, they are also much better at swearing creatively. I know this because I had a mean neighbor when I first arrived there, so the first book I bought to help me learn Japanese was a guide to Japanese swear words, which helped me immeasurably. My favorite swear by far was, “Sh-t and then sleep in it.” They were also fond of saying, “Sh-t and die,” which seemed to be the most common insult hurled around during recess. Of course, recess in Japanese schools consists of cleaning the classroom and studying advanced electrical engineering, so maybe cursing was their only form of stress relief.



After listening to Japanese children swearing freely in conversations with their teachers and friends, I wondered why America has such a Puritanical attitude toward swearing. Sure, I guess part of it could be that we were essentially founded by the Puritans, but haven’t we modernized a little bit since then? I mean, if you say the word “f-ck” backwards, it becomes a lovely accessory to a man’s clothing ensemble. Rearrange the letters of the word “sh-t,” and you have the very thing that baseball fans root for when their team is at bat. Since baseball is America’s pastime and dressing sharply is of critical importance to the modern American male, what possible harm could come from saying the words “cuff” and “hits” in just a slightly different way?

I do realize that swearing serves the important social function of allowing a person to express himself in a way that best reveals who he is as an individual. If you speak respectfully at all times, then you are not going to have any luck applying for an intern position on the Howard Stern show, and if you curse every other word then you will probably not be appointed as President Obama’s Chief of Staff. What’s that? He does curse every other word? Okay then, maybe if you curse a lot, you should just avoid positions in the clergy. (I’m asking nicely, Douglas – don’t make a tasteless joke out of the “positions in the clergy” thing.)

So my message to you, dear reader, is that you shouldn’t succumb to social pressure to censor your own self-expression. If you don’t like cursing, then don’t curse. It’s just like when I tell my neighbor that if he doesn’t like seeing me parading around in the nude, then he should just not step out onto his front lawn. It’s as simple as that. But if you are the type of person who does enjoy cursing, then give it your all and be the best friggin’ swearer that you can be. And if anybody gives you any sh-t about it, you tell them that I said they can go cuff themselves.

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