5 Photo Captions - Kris Allen and Minnie Mouse

First, the announcement that all of our loyal readers have been waiting for. Are you both ready? Sitting down? Liquid restorative at the ready? OK, here goes - we are very slightly changing our format. (Pause while gasps and nervous whispering die down.) OK, we're just basically going to alternate between top fives and captions like we've been doing, but once a week, Wednesday, we think, we will pen (OK, "keyboard") a normal, narrative blog. Like we used to. Hmm, maybe the announcement isn't quite as earth-shattering as we thought.

Oh, did we mention the caption award? We have decided to award the best captioneer an adorable little picture award for each of our two caption posts of the week. We will probably announce both winners on Monday, depending on hangovers. Now we tried to come up with a good award based on twins or something appropriate to our particular schtick, but that didn't really go anywhere. So we decided to go with a play on the word "caption." See what you think:



Get it? Cap Sean? We're both pretty embarrassed now about the doggie bag picture so we'd hate to look back on this with reddened faces and tightened sphincters. Your feedback is welcome. I guess.

And now, our final unawarded caption ever. Yeah, we're both pretty busy this weekend. For today's picture we're featuring Kris Allen, most recent winner of American Idol, on stage with a giant anthropomorphic rat. I'm told its name is Minnie Mouse. Whatever. Please put your own captions in the Comments section below. Here go ours's:



Douglas's list:

1. Sometimes Paula's medication makes her ears swell up like freaking
ping pong paddles.

2. When Mickey is out of town, Minnie is a total slut.

3. All of the Pied Piper's descendants inherited his gift...and his curse.

4. "Uh, Kris...my ears are up here!"

5. "Hey Seacrest, you see the big mouse too...don't you?"

Philip's list:

1. After losing this year’s American Idol, Adam Lambert was forced to perform in a much less glamorous role.

2. No, Minnie Mouse is not actually there – this is just how Paula Abdul sees the show.

3. Minnie Mouse lets out a loud burp after swallowing David Archuleta whole.

4. "Oh, Kris, you make all six of my nipples stand at full attention."

5. "Seriously? I win American Idol and my first gig is performing with a high school dropout in a sweaty, felt costume?"

OK, with absolutely no prize motivation, let's see who wants to do this just for fun. Comment below, peoples.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 "Mancow" Muller On-Air Radio Stunts

Radio talk show host "Mancow" Muller has boosted his ratings this week by agreeing to be waterboarded live on the air and by letting murder suspect Drew Peterson call him collect from prison to tell tasteless jokes. Here are some other stunts that Mancow has prepared for upcoming shows.


Philip's list:

1. Allowing interrogators to subject him to “Iron Maiden” torture next because he actually kind of likes that group.

2. Offering $10,000 to anyone who brings him Geraldo Rivera’s mustache.

3. Crashing sorority parties to demonstrate how easy it is to score with underage drunk chicks.

4. Baby seal drop for charity.

5. Offering $1 million to anyone who can prove that Rachel Maddow is actually a dude.


Douglas's list:

1. Prank call Rudy Guiliani telling him his new test results show inoperable dick cancer.

2. Become substitute handicapped teacher and get whole class stoned to bejeezus.

3. At charity golf tournament, replace golf balls with nearly-hatched penguin eggs.

4. Run through downtown New York yelling, "Look out! A plane!" then giggling like a girl scout.

5. Dress as chicken then go to abortion clinic and order a Grand Slam Meal over easy.


Please leave your own radio show stunt suggestions in the Comments section below.

Wanna read more?

5 Photo Captions - Yelling Sri Lankan

I'm sure you're all aware of this by now but earlier today there was a somewhat vocal protest at the Canadian Embassy in Sri Lanka. (Pause for effect) I know, I couldn't turn on CNN without all the Sri Lanka/Canada pundits flapping their jawbones! We have a little picture of the rabblerousers and what we hope they were yelling. Please put your own captions in the Comments section below.



Douglas's list:

1. "Oh my GOD, you guys! It's Avril Lavigne!!! Wait Avril, I'm coming!!!"

2. "Hey vendor man! Down here! We'd like two curry chickens and don't forget the yoghurt this time!"

3. The Canadian Embassy hadn't seen this much uproar since the misunderstood Beaver Limitation Act of 1954.

4. "Hey, that guy stole my monkey!"

5. "I swear this worked yesterday. I just pointed and yelled "Shazam" then I started flying."

Philip's list:

1. "I swear to Buddha, if you bastards throw any more popcorn at me I'm going to pop a cap!"

2. "Yeah, well I think that you are the one who fornicates with his mother! How are you liking me now, you son of a goat?”

3. What do we want? “A flag that doesn’t feature a medieval lion pleasuring a toy sword!” When do we want it? “Now!”

4. "Okay, this awesome beach towel goes to the next woman who shows some flesh to the Buddhists Gone Wild cameras. Come on, ladies, let’s see those ta-tas!"

5. The U.N. didn’t even bother to mediate this tiff between Sri Lanka and Canada because come on… what are they gonna do, hit each other with whiffleball bats?

No more Doggie Bag. It's one of the changes we're implementing to try to make it look like grown men write this blog. Uphill climb, we know. OK, let's see what you got, beeyatches! There may be a prize in store for...but I've said too much.

Wanna read more?

100th Blog Post Spectacular!

Okay, there's actually nothing particularly spectacular about this post, but today does mark the 100th post on The Dyer Boys blog, so we’re honoring this extremely minor milestone with a special list of all of the other milestones that each of us has achieved recently. We did decide to make this post special by bragging about 10 accomplishments apiece, instead of our usual 5, since we do tend toward the narcissistic. Please share your own recent milestones in the Comments section!



Philip's List:

1. Reached 15,000th day of not being suckered in by all those pesky gym membership offers.

2. Recently made 500th "Baba Booey" prank call to Dr. Drew show.

3. Reached 5-year anniversary of sleeping with best friend's wife without him finding out. Oh crap.

4. Received 5000th rejection from Penthouse Forum, along with something called a "Cease and Desist Order."

5. Butt groove in Barcalounger recently added to National Historic Registry.

6. Finished 1000th day of going without deodorant, which just happened to coincide with my 1000th straight day of not going out on a date.

7. Entered "Customer Hall of Fame" at Lusty Jack's Leather Emporium.

8. At 3:27 pm on Friday, February 6th, made 10,000th fart joke.

9. Honored with Lifetime Achievement Award by Pizza Hut.

10. After stripping naked and dancing on pool table, won O'Reilley's Pub's coveted "Restraining Order" award.


Douglas's list:

1. Got last hole punched in free burrito card at Pancho Loco's.

2. Recently received coffee-mug-shaped award declaring me "World's Best Dad."

3. May have already won Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

4. Received media recognition in "Local Events" section of newspaper as one of fourteen attendees of some deal at the museum.

5. After power went out at arcade in mall, set Galaga high score that stood for three and a half days.

6. Recent recipient of "Most Improved Yard" plaque shortly after I took down my Christmas lights.

7. Finally hurdled over 200 mark on last cholesterol test.

8. Just finished third season of Lost. They're going back to the island? What the?

9. Finished close second in pie-eating contest at county fair. Also finished distant nineteenth for salad-eating contest.

10. Got $2 off carwash with fill up.


Since we published 10 items on each of our lists today, we didn't have any left over for the doggie bag. If you really want a doggie bag today, you'll have to go hang out behind a canine neutering clinic.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Michael Vick Announcements

Former NFL quarterback, Michael Vick, was released from prison today after serving a nearly two-year sentence for dog fighting and animal abuse. Here are some of the announcements that Vick made in a press conference following his release.

But before we get to today's list, we just wanted to announce that the Dyer Boys will be taking some time off from tomorrow through next Tuesday to celebrate whatever it is that we're supposed to be celebrating on Memorial Day. We'll be back on Tuesday with a special "100th Blog Post Spectacular!!" Actually, it will probably be just like all the rest of our blog posts, but it is kind of cool that it will be our 100th. Have a happy Memorial Day weekend, everybody!

And now back to those announcements that Michael Vick made after being released from prison:



Douglas's list:

1. I want to make it perfectly clear that as of this minute, I am no longer homosexual.

2. As long as I'm not officially in the NFL right now, anyone got a spleef on them?

3. To all you ladies who visited me on conjugal day, thanks and all, but I'm going back to pretty bitches now.

4. If football doesn't work out, I did learn how to make wine in my shoe. Yeah, Nike Wine Shoe sounds like a billion dollars from where I'm sitting.

5. I been doing a lot of research in the prison library and I found out there is no law against raising fighting cats. Mike's back in business, Johnny Law!




Philip's list:

1. All you dog lovers don’t need to worry any more. The next time I plan any kind of fight to the death, it will involve either strippers or Australians.

2. I’m just looking forward to returning to my normal life of training dogs to kill each other on command. (Whispers from lawyer.) I’m sorry, I meant not training dogs to kill on command. I’m not going to be doing that any more.

3. Now that my violent past is behind me, I’m looking forward to getting back on the football field with a bunch of half-crazed steroid junkies trying to rip each other’s heads off.

4. I’m gonna take this check for $32.17 that I earned from making license plates and go straight to the nearest strip club. Who’s with me?!

5. All I really care about is finding out if Adam or Kris won on American Idol, and don’t nobody better tell me before I get a chance to see it neither!


No dogs were harmed in the compilation of today's doggie bag.



1. I just want to say to all of you Nation of Islam brothers on the inside who helped protect me from the Norteños and the Aryan Brotherhood – Psych! I ain’t no Muslim, y’all bunch of raghead bitches!

2. I’m happy to report that, after spending the last two years locked inside an overcrowded prison full of violent criminals, I am now ready to become a law-abiding, productive member of society.

3. Just knowing that one day I'd be able to get out of jail and see my best friend Dom DeLuise again has kept me...what's that? Aw damn!

4. Yeah, Farrah's boy is real popular in here. His Momma ain't did him no favors with that nipple poster.

Wanna read more?

Phive Phun Photo Captions - Honor Guard

Some of the former soviet republics got together recently to talk weaponry. And what better way to show off said weaponry than with a proud display by the Minsk Honor Guard. Yeah, we know the photographer caught them in mid-formation but we never promised to be fair. Please put your own captions in the Comments section below.



Douglas's list:

1. First-offense violators of the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy were forced to line up on the parade grounds and butt-slap themselves in the testicles.

2. See, it's over the bridge then under the tree and then...ow! Dammit, I'll never get this right!

3. Later investigation would blame poorly translated U.N. exercise instructions for the Russian soldiers performing "morning circumcises."

4. The drunk drill sergeant would later be court marshaled for ordering the soldiers to Sit N Spin on their bayonets.

5. The ceremonial 21-gun-salute inadvertently turned into an eight-gun salute followed immediately by a four-person ambulance ride.

Philip's list:

1. “They want us to wear white cotton gloves and frilly epaulets while choreographing our every move in unison, but we can’t be gay?”

2. The Belarus army is divided into three divisions: Regular infantry, Blind infantry, and Tiny infantry.

3. In these soldiers’ defense, this is actually how they hold their guns when they’re feeling “at ease.”

4. It was then that the commanding officer suddenly realized why the enemy was always able to get past their left flank.

5. “And fire! No, wait... I mean don’t fire!”


We had a few more that nearly met our mediocre standards but not quite. Those are relegated to the doggie bag.


1. The directions clearly stated that in order to remove the bayonet attachment, you simply jab it into your thigh and make a sharp clockwise twisting motion.

2. The young Swiss recruits, most having never held a weapon, often had trouble telling which end of the gun should be pointing at the enemy.

3. "Okay, now you guys twirl your guns around to distract them while we
take a dump on the sidewalk."

4. The Ukrainian synchronized swimming team practices their ill-advised
new "Invasion of Poland" routine.

OK, your turn.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Things The Pope Achieved In Middle East Tour

Pope Benedict XVI recently completed a tour of the Middle East, during which time he hoped to bring peace to the region. While he wasn't able to accomplish that lofty goal, here are some of the smaller accomplishments that he did manage to achieve during his trip:


Philip's list:

1. Convinced Palestinian clothes stores to change their "Death to the Jews" t-shirts to just say "Serious bodily harm to the Jews."

2. Got everyone to agree that, no matter which religion they follow, they should all obey their thirst by enjoying the refreshing taste of Sprite™.

3. Reminded both sides of their common humanity by getting them to watch that Susan Boyle video together.

4. Made a bit of a gaffe when he didn't realize his microphone was still on and said, "What does it even matter? All these heathens are going to hell anyway."

5. Settled the "Less filling" versus "Tastes great" standoff by having both sides actually try Miller Lite and agree that it tastes like ass.


Douglas's list:

1. Mediated the Abdullah Compromise, which lists all the names that Mr. Javen Abdullah is no longer allowed to call his mother-in law, including, but not limited to, "Her Royal Fatness, Queen of Jelly Doughnuts."

2. Finished his first intermediate-level sudoku without looking up numbers in back of book.

3. Finally had some of those eggs that were named after him.

4. Managed to catch up on all his Tivoed "Lost" espisodes.

5. Negotiated peace settlement between Irving Rosenbaum and that bully fifth-grader who keeps knocking off his yarmulke.


We prayed long and hard (I'll wait for Douglas to make his "that's what she said" joke) about which items to include in our list and, like that whole section of the original Bible that covers Jesus's childhood, we decided to cut a lot of things out. However, since Garth Brooks taught us that some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, here are a few of the list items that didn't receive divine intervention and therefore ended up in the doggie bag.



1. Drafted binding agreement in Damascus subdivision clearly outlining the time after which it is no longer appropriate to play your music so damn loud.

2. Signed up for that Twitter thing all the bishops have been telling him to try.

3. Got everyone to agree to a two-state government that respects the God-given right that all people of the world have to their homelands and sacred grounds in a renewed spirit of friendship and peace. But seriously, no, he didn't do anything like that.

4. Got everyone on both sides to laugh at the fact that a former member of the Hitler Youth thought he had a snowball's chance in hell of convincing the Israeli's to do a goddamned thing.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Other Things The CIA Never Told Nancy Pelosi

Nancy Pelosi claims that the CIA never told her that they were waterboarding terrorists, even though the agency says that she was fully briefed on this practice. Here are some of the other things that Pelosi is denying that the CIA ever told her. Please add your own CIA secrets in our Comments section below.



Philip's list:

1. Area 51 is really just an aircraft testing facility that's been out of use since the 1960s. We keep a handful of guards there to shoot off fireworks every couple of weeks because we get a kick out of all the e-mail.

2. Wait a minute... what financial crisis?

3. Remember that time you came home and all of your furniture was bolted to the ceiling? Yeah, um... sorry about that.

4. Global warming is actually being caused by the consumption of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, so we're all totally f*cked.

5. That she's doing a great job as Speaker of the House. A really, really great job.


Douglas's list:

1. I've been to the Culinary Institute of America dozens of time and we've never once discussed waterboarding. Mostly it was just about making meringues and flapjacks and the like.

2. I haven't trusted them since they told me our new President was black. I mean, could you imagine such a thing!

3. I guess it's possible they told me. I had just had my chin re-done and I was hitting the Percosets pretty hard.

4. All they told me was that they were stuffing towels in terrorists' mouths and dousing them with water to simulate drowning. Not one word was mentioned of waterboarding.

5. They told me I was the first female Speaker of the House. But having spent no small amount of time at the capitol sauna with Newt Gingrich, I can assure you I'm not.


After a number of forceful redactions, we ended up with some items that didn't make the final cut. You may or may not find them here in the doggie bag.



1. Dennis Kucinich is actually a space alien. Oh, you knew that already? Sorry.

2. That the secret escape tunnel leading out of her office ends up in the men's locker room at the Constitution Avenue 24-Hour Fitness.

3. I was stunned to hear that we used waterboarding. I mean we're America! Surely we have more fashionable methods of torture than that!

4. They gave me a report that says I'm the second in line for Presidential succession. We're both married, so why would I want to do that to him?

Wanna read more?

Phive Phun Photo Captions - Little Arab Dude

Sometimes we select our pictures based on cuteness. Sometimes we base it on freakiness. This is a very happy combo of cute and freaky. This picture shows the annual reenactment of Palestenians being displaced during the creation of Israel. Not a happy moment in history but certainly a great picture. Please leave your own captions in our Comments section.



Douglas's list:

1. Ooh, that little gimpy Arab girl is just adorable!

2. Mama makes me to tell you Americans, "Trick or Treat."

3. Middle Eastern genetic experimentation was coming along exactly as planned.

4. If there's anything I've learned over my six years on this earth, it's that carrying a bag of diapers in the desert sucks the big one.

5. Children from all over showed up to audition for the role of "Dr. House as a child."

Philip's list:

1. “Stop asking for my ID, bitch, and just give me my damn social security check!”

2. Josef credited his youthful good looks to a strict diet of goat cheese and tabouli.

3. The kids at Hamid Karzai Elementary School put on a rousing performance of the play, “Binyamin Bouton.”

4. “What’s in the bag? An assload of malt liquor, bitch. Now you show me what's under the burka.”

5. Little Abdul was the most popular kid in the first grade for obvious reasons.

We had a few more that nearly met our mediocre standards but not quite. Those are relegated to the doggie bag.


1. Some kids will go to extraordinary lengths to see an R-rated movie.

2. If Aknod's disguise worked, his kindergarten class would be shit-faced by nap time.

3. Because of a strict adherence to Sharia Law, this is all that kids in
Afghanistan can do to dress up as Mario for Halloween.

4. Sure, you Americans may have lots of military firepower, but at least
we don't have to wait for puberty to grow mustaches.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Other Quotes By Miss California

Miss California, Carrie Prejean, held a rambling press conference yesterday about how she was punished for exercising her freedom of speech and that the topless photos of her were entirely the photographer's fault. Here are some of the more interesting things that she said during the press conference:



Philip's list:

1. My grandfather worked on an assembly line seven days a week, twelve hours a day, slaving every day just for... um, so that you and I could... wait, what were we talking about again?

2. To show just how committed to "opposite marriage" I am, today I'd like to announce my engagement to an intelligent, non-judgmental... um, what's the opposite of "bitch?"

3. I might spend a little time in purgatory for getting these breast implants, but at least I'm not going to burn in hell for all eternity for being born gay.

4. Why would God make me this pretty if he didn't want me to share the gospel during beauty pageants? Answer me that, mister gay people.

5. The wind just blew open my vest during that photo shoot. It also blew these implants into my breasts and blew a whole lot of margaritas into my mouth the night that Michael Phelps and I did it in the La Jolla Chevy's mens room.


Douglas's list:

1. In America people should not be punished for exercising their freedom of speech. Or for exercising down at Lady Fitness Gym and Dayspa where you can sign up for half price if you mention my name!

2. In my defense, all I did was remove my shirt and pose myself erotically. I didn't actually press the little button thingy on the camera.

3. I'm glad to be able to come here and set the record...SWEET JESUS THERE'S A MONKEY ON MR. TRUMP'S HEAD!!!

4. No, I don't recall the exact verse in the Bible about gays being married. Something about smiting. Yes, I'm pretty sure there was some smiting.

5. I should remain Miss California because it is the will of the people of this great state to keep voting for superficial airheads with artificially enhanced bodies. Right Governor Arnold?

We both used the "method" writing technique for our lists today which means that we had to lower our IQs in order to get into character. That may have resulted in the following list of items that ended up in our Doggie Bag today.

If you feel as sorry for Miss Prejean's plight as both of us do, please leave your messages of encouragement in the Comments section below.



1. Also in keeping with my religion, since I have desecrated my body by getting breast implants, I will now walk to the edge of town to be stoned to death by my neighbors.

2. I just want everyone to know that even though I was born with classical good looks, and that I get to keep my title as Miss California despite the release of my topless photos, and that I've made tons of money in prize winnings and endorsements, I am the real victim here!

3. My religion is very important to me which is why I've brought a live rattlesnake for each of you to hold.

4. So opposites totally shouldn't get married because, you know, opposites attract, and like, magnets and stuff. Is it time to let Donald touch my boobies yet??

Wanna read more?

Phive Phun Photo Captions - Prince William

Prince William recently popped into a...what do you call it these days...old folks' home? Or maybe Elder care facility? Urine-coated greasy death slide? Something like that. Anyhoo, Bonny Prince Billy paid an impromptu visit to 109-year-old Catherine Masters where they talked about British stuff like loos and tubes and whatnot.

Below we've opined as to what other topics might have been covered in this heartwarming, mothball-scented moment. Please leave your own captions in our Comments section.




Douglas's list:

1. It's a little ironic, but I once really did have Prince Albert in the can.

2. I'd love to tell you that was just my leg rubbing the chair, but the truth is I just shit myself rotten.

3. Now, about Harry, are you going to tell me if the carpet matches the drapes or am I going to have to find out my damn self?

4. I don't know who that young man was. He claimed to be the Prince but he didn't look at all like his "Raspberry Beret" video.

5. I hate to keep asking you this, but which one of the Bee Gee's are you again?


Philip's list:

1. Following in his mother's charitable footsteps, Prince William was an adamant supporter of elderly transvestites.

2. Come visit any time you like, dear. This is the first time I've felt anything happening downstairs since Churchill was in office.

3. Give me just a minute to unbutton this top, young fella, and I'll show you how Sir Isaac Newton really discovered gravity.

4. Though they tried really hard, Prince William and the nurse just couldn't help but laugh every time Mrs. Donnelly let one rip.

5. The public probably wouldn't respond so positively to Prince Williams' frequent retirement home visits if they knew about his denture cream fetish.


We just couldn't limit ourselves to five each. We love British royalty sooo much! So here are a few leftovers we call the doggie bag. Eat up.



1. We might as well get down to business. I'm sure you heard we were reinstating Prima Nocte, but you may not have realized it's retroactive.

2. I shouldn't be telling you this, but your Grandfather Philip was the most generous lover I've ever had.

3. Mrs. Flaherty insisted that there really was a teacup there, so Prince William just pretended.

4. I'll have you know that I lost my virginity in nineteen-ought-seven, so yes, I do know a little something about pleasing a man, mister smartass.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Jokes That Wanda Sykes Didn't Tell

Wanda Sykes recently made waves at the White House Correspondents' Dinner with jokes about Sarah Palin's birth control methods and Rush Limbaugh's oxycontin addiction. In an attempt to write our most offensive blog post to date, here are some of the jokes that even Wanda decided were too tasteless to tell:




Philip's list:

1. I wish you would change your policy on gay marriage. I know you're not opposed to lesbians because I've seen the CIA's list of the movies you like to watch on Cinemax.

2. I'm not saying that Keith Olbermann is a blatant Obama supporter, but during the President's last proctology exam, they found Keith's lips.

3. Some people have said that Obama is actually too white to be called the first black president. Excuse me? You want to call a brother who plays basketball and has his own cash crop in the back yard "too white?"

4. Washington isn't used to having a black man in charge yet. Just tonight, Senator Boehner has already asked Obama twice to top off his scotch and soda.

5. I don't want to support any racial stereotypes, but I heard Monica Lewinsky saying that she can't believe she wasted her affair on "Little Bill."




Douglas's list:

1. We all know that President Obama is part white. Last night I found out which part it was.

2. With a black President, mostly all the Secret Service does any more is count the silverware.

3. The Obamas finally settled on a dog. Word is, he already won his first dogfight out on the South Lawn.

4. Obama's food taster is getting real tired of fried chicken, watermelon, and Mad Dog 20-20.

5. The Obamas wanted me to apologize for them being late tonight. They were both too stoned to remember how to jump their car.


Even though we felt like twin Archie Bunkers while writing up these lists we decided to push things farther and include this doggie bag of even more god-awful list items. We apologize in advance and know exactly how terrible we're being. But we're just stupid enough to go ahead and post this stuff anyway.

Are you as stupid as we are? If you have some jokes that you wish Wanda Sykes would have told at the Correspondents' Dinner, click the Comments link below and share it with the world. Or, you know, with the 2 or 3 people who will be reading our blog after this.




1. Everyone is happy that we finally have our first black president, but could you stop ending every cabinet meeting by saying, "Can I get a what what!?"

2. I thought you were black, Mr. President, until I saw you doing that 1980s white boy dance on the Ellen show. What, were you in Wham?

3. Don Imus has been called an asshole so many times, they must have found his ass cancer by doing a full body scan.

4. Which one of you heartless bastards bribed the usher to get Tim Russert's seat this year?

Wanna read more?

Listless - by Douglas

I think we have you people pegged. You like your lists. So what started off as another personal blog with a humorous bent quickly turned into a series of picture captions and top five lists. Sure, we like to think that's our niche but I feel bad reading our fellow bloggers baring your souls with humiliating tales of erectile dysfunction or some horrific blind date, while we're just making goofy comments about pictures of indigenous tribesmen with hockey pucks in their lips or Manny Ramirez two knuckles deep in his right nostril. It's time to once again delve deep into the Dyer soul.



As we've posted more than once, if there's one thing that Philip and I are really bad at, it's getting haircuts. We both have our haircut instructions memorized and deliver them by rote with each new depilatating adventure. I recently went to get my hair cut with my son, Hambone. (Not his real name but he does answer to it. Honest.) For the first time in a long time, I was pretty happy with my haircut. Hambone didn't fare as well. He looked like Shemp. Remember Curly's sometimes substitute who had such great reactions to being slapped by Moe because his hair would fly around in a greasy, floppy mess? We weren't home too long before my wife made a second trip to the hair place to get Hambone's hair fixed.

But the time before this haricut was one of my favorites. I spent the majority of my time squinting at the mirror in disbelief that someone with normal-sized pupils could so drastically misinterpret my simple instructions. When she finished she actually said, "Well, I tried." Honest to Allah. Just then, two of her co-workers came stumbling out of the break room giggling like they'd just rolled out of the back of a Cheech and Chong's van. They plopped down in their respective chairs and one of them offered unashamedly, "I seen two horses doin' it on the way to work this mornin'."



But I still can't bring myself to pay more than $15 for a haircut. I swear I hear the desperately beating wings of my guardian angel as she tries to pull me away from these no-appointment-necessary hair "stylists." Even the dead know better than me.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Signs That Manny Ramirez Was Juicing

The baseball world is shocked –Shocked!– to learn that Manny Ramirez was taking banned substances, leading to a 50-game suspension. Here are some of the signs that should have tipped us off that he was juicing. If you'd like to add some items of your own, get that needle out of your ass and click the Comments link below.




Philip's List:

1. For first time in Dodgers history, they had to order XXXL batting helmets.

2. Has developed a bad habit of punching all inside pitches with his fist.

3. After striking out, would frequently go into dugout and eat one of the bat boys.

4. Despite requiring larger and larger jerseys, he kept ordering smaller and smaller jock straps.

5. Threw TV out of hotel room window while watching "Wheel of Fortune" when his solution to the puzzle "Lame _uck" turned out to be incorrect.




Douglas's List:

1. When spotted in Roswell, New Mexico, government claimed his head was just a weather balloon.

2. Only shops at Dave's Big, Tall and Juiced.

3. Throw to home plate inadvertently knocked down Russan spy satellite.

4. When girl scout tried to sell him cookies he chased her down block in his Hummer.

5. While throwing darts he accidentally impaled bartender against wall.


Since we also enjoy slapping lidocaine patches over every square inch of our exposed flesh, some of our list items might be considered somewhat... less than stellar. Here is the "Doggie Bag" of items that we wrote while even higher than normal. Enjoy!




1. His urologist referred him to a psychiatrist for insisting he had testicles.

2. Back acne leaves viscous layer of pus inside team jersey.

3. Once leapt into the stands to scream at a 4-year-old girl who was wearing a Padres jersey.

4. Destroyed entire Sesame Street set during guest appearance when The Count kept pointing at his ass and saying, "Twenty-seven! Twenty-seven steroid injection marks!"

Wanna read more?

Phive Phun Photo Captions - Lip Disk

Arsenio Hall may have called this a picture that makes you go hmmmm. We try to keep it current on this blog. Word to your mothers. This is a candid moment from a recent gathering of indigenous Brazilian Indians who were demanding more attention from government officials. This particular quaffing Indian is of the tribe that likes to stick disks in giant holes in their bottom lip. We're not here to judge, just to mock remorselessly. Please leave your own captions in our Comments section.



Douglas's list:

1. ♫"I'd like to teach the world to sing, but I can't touch my lips together."♫

2. "I just traded our village to that nice man for a whole case of this bubbly brown water!"

3. "Dammit, spilled again! Am I gonna get a straw or is someone getting a poison dart in their neck?"

4. Mboto was the first indigenous tribesman ever diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.

5. "I hate when people put the Coke on my face when there's a coaster right there!"


Philip's list:

1. “Coke – it brings good things to life. Except for this rival village chief that I’m eating.”

2. National Geographic becomes the latest in a long line of magazines to resort to product placement.

3. After blowing all of their money on soft drinks, new earrings and collagen injections, the tribe was starting to regret letting their chief subscribe to MILF Magazine.

4. Sure, they may have chopped down the entire rainforest, poisoned their water supply and rendered their entire tribe sterile, but at least the nice men in suits gave them 6 whole cans of magic voodoo juice.

5. Nothing washes down a plate full of aphids and grub worms like the smooth, refreshing taste of Coca-Cola.

Speaking of scrumptious comestibles, we have a few leftovers we like to call "The Doggie Bag". These are the captions that we tossed around but just couldn't quite bring ourselves to print. Until now.



1. "Sure I was permanently disfigured at the hockey game but they did give me this free ice cold beverage."

2. "The can was too small the other way. I'll see if it fits in my lip hole sideways."

3. After pouring an entire Coke on his shirt through the giant hole in his lip, Tikloc decided that, yes, he would like a straw after all.

4. Malto liked to drink half of his Coke and then save the rest for later in his special pouch.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Signs That Paula Abdul Was Addicted To Painkillers

In an interview this week, American Idol judge, Paula Abdul, revealed a longstanding addiction to prescription painkillers, which may have contributed to her frequently erratic behavior. Here are some of the signs that something has not been quite right with Ms Abdul. If you'd like to add some items of your own, put down that fistful of oxycontin and click the Comments link.




Philip's List:

1. Once gave an hour-long interview to a potted plant.

2. In an unaired American Idol episode, gave every contestant the feedback, "Have you seen Mommy's pills? Give Mommy her goddamn pills!"

3. Showed up for an audition completely unaware that she had a steering wheel jutting out of her forehead.

4. Once showed up at a photo shoot with her face covered in blood and pigeon feathers.

5. During a guest appearance, Amy Winehouse pleaded with her to get some help.


Douglas's List:

1. Convinced she was on fire, threw herself headfirst into audience screaming, "Stop drop and roll! Stop drop and roll!"

2. Created awkward moment on set when she didn't realize she'd stuck pencil through both cheeks.

3. Maced guy at liquor store for not asking for her ID.

4. Responded to a Simon Cowell question by saying, "Please make your giraffe stop licking my toes."

5. During moving ballad she began dancing spasmodically and shouting, "Shake that ASS Lionel! Shake that ASS!"


Since we also enjoy slapping lidocaine patches over every square inch of our exposed flesh, some of our list items might be considered somewhat... less than stellar. Here is the "Doggie Bag" of items that we wrote while even higher than normal. Enjoy!




1. After her last stint in rehab, 20% of nation's drug dealers filed for unemployment.

2. Once spent an entire episode speaking entirely in iambic pentameter.

3. Tried to explain that her puss-covered road rash was just a small pox booster.

4. During one episode she interrupted Ryan shrieking, "NOSE HAIR BAD! BACK HAIR GOOD! NOSE HAIR BAD! BACK HAIR GOOD!"

Wanna read more?

Phive Phun Photo Captions - British Cop

Here's an adorable little photo of uniformed and plain clothes police officers trying to restrain a teacher at a London protest of Gordon Brown's new education policies. But since every image is worth a thousand captions, here are some of ours to let you know what we thought was going on here. Please leave some of your own in our Comments section.




Philip's list:

1. Residents of Gloucester come out every year to celebrate the lesser-known “Hump Like a Schnauzer” festival.

2. Beginning what would turn out to be the worst day of his life, Shawn mistakes this police action for a conga line.

3. Mabel suddenly realized what a mistake it was to buy that new tiger pheromone perfume.

4. They could pull on her all they wanted, but nobody was going to stop Gwen from meeting the Jonas Brothers.

5. It was at that moment that Charlotte realized she was covering up the letters “The” on her “Therapists of the world unite!” banner.


Douglas's list:

1. The officers were barely able to contain Barbara Bush before she removed her top again.

2. The Senior Olympics got off to a shaky start as Ellen Obramowitz proudly carried her country's flag into the confused crowd.

3. "What do we want? Viagra to be covered by Medicare! When do we want it? Now!"

4. Sadly, this was the only way Gladys could get a man to grope her any more.

5. Sure, he'd been a little hasty answering the Craigslist ad. But as long as he was here, Cleve decided to make the most of it.


Now, as has become our habit, here is the "The Doggie Bag" of items that didn't quite make the cut, but managed to obtain immunity by standing on a pole in the middle of a alligator farm longer than the others. Enjoy!



1. When a cop tells you, “Stop marching or I’m going to violate you from behind,” that would really be a good time to stop marching.

2. “In my defense, M’lord, I really thought they were filming a ‘Benny Hill’ episode.”

3. OK, if I could just get everyone to squat and then line up in order of height please...

4. The marathon came to a bitter end for Officer Boodleburke when he got sandwiched between two combative contestants.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Signs of Global Warming

As storms rage across the South and droughts continue to plague the West, scientists are wondering if they have underestimated the negative effects of global warming. Here are some other recent signs that global warming might actually be worse than we thought. If you've seen any other signs, do leave your comment to spread the word.



Philip's list:

1. Cows now give pre-pasteurized milk.

2. Snow geese now flying to Canada for the winter.

3. Coppertone's new ad features an adorable puppy pulling down the swimsuit of a young girl whose hair has burst into flames.

4. All of America's energy needs now supplied by a single solar panel.

5. "Iceland" now referred to just as "Land."


Douglas's list:

1. Lake Superior now only crossable by camel.

2. Anti-wrinkle creams now marketed to elementary students.

3. Napa Valley now selling more raisins than wine.

4. Niagara Falls completely clogged with tumbleweed.

5. Siberia rapidly becoming world's newest resort hotspot.


And now, here's the Doggie Bag. These are the meat products that we decided to leave out of today's hot dog. Mmm...mmm...good!



1. Old people have actually begun farting dust.

2. Santa Claus installing window units in elf workshop.

3. Hottest new product of the year? SPF 12,000 sunscreen.

4. Let’s just say that the French Riviera is a bit “gamier” than usual.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Mutants Not Included In X Men

Marvel Comics is releasing its new “X-Men Origins" movie today, which tells the story of how Wolverine got his powers. Here are some of the mutants that did not make the final cut into the X-Men comic:




Philip:

1. Chia Man: Able to grow a small herb garden right out of his scalp in under a week.

2. The Mixologist: Rotating adamantium finger attachments allow him to blend 10 alcoholic beverages at once.

3. Testiculor: He actually had a pretty cool power, but they just couldn’t get past the name.

4. The Origaminator: She distracts the enemy by folding paper into cute little shapes while other mutants sneak up on them from behind.

5. Carney Man: Guesses weight within 5 pounds at an astonishing 84% accuracy rate.


Douglas

1. ChickFlicka - Can watch Lifetime Network for up to eight hours in a row without vomiting.

2. Viagro - Do we really need to tell you?

3. Sudokio - Can neatly arrange up to nine numbers in three different directions.

4. Dizzney - Can assume the shape of any of the seven dwarves.

5. Alcoholo - Can make anyone attractive for up to four hours.

And now, the Doggie Bag. These are the leftovers that nearly made the cut but not quite. Like a lethargic Lorena Bobbitt. Or something funnier than that.



1) Mini Purl: The midget who can knit at superhuman speeds.
2) Slug Man: They asked the art department for someone with extreme punching power, but instead they made a guy who leaves a gross wet trail everywhere and dies as soon as salt touches him.
3) ChillyGirl - Can poke enemies' eyes out with her nipples.
4) Maternella - Can convey disappointment with the cock of one eyebrow.

Wanna read more?