Phive Phun Photo Captions - Gay Marriage Protest

The actual caption for the picture below is this, "Gay rights advocate Matthew Arnold-Lloyd of Albany, N.Y., right, meets nose to nose with an unidentified man opposed to gay marriage during a rally outside the Capitol in Albany." We thought it could use a little sprucing up. Got any of your own? Drop them in the Comments section.



Douglas:

1. "Dude, your breath smells like Harvey Fierstein."

2. Even through the American flag, the sexual tension was bouncing off them like caffeinated flubber.

3. Tearful witnesses would later describe the subsequent moment as the most passionate kiss they had ever seen.

4. Moral disputes in New York are often settled with a traditional match of nose wrestling.

5. "Bitch, I am way more offended by your K-Mart windbreaker than you could ever be by me knocking boots with my Kenneth."


Philip

1. While the war of words raged on above, their own personal swordfight was raging on below.

2. "Whoa, okay, this time, I’ll step to the right and you step to the left and... no that won’t work either."

3. "For the last time, Jimmy, fold one corner down and then fold that corner back up over and over again until it makes a nice little triangle. Dude, even a friggin' Weebalo can do this!"

4. "You’re not wearing anything under that trench coat? Well, maybe I’m not wearing anything under this flag. Where can we go to settle this argument once and for all?"

5. Having failed CPR 17 times in a row, Bruce and David would now be sent back to the remedial class.

We don't want to pull the curtain back too far but we need to disclose a little bit about how we come up with these captions. There's a lot of back and forth email where the predominant words tend to be "dude" and "whatever." Maybe we've said too much. The upshot is there are several efforts that, for one reason or another, don't make the cut to our comedically refined lists. We've decided to include them anyway in a little section we call, "The Doggie Bag." Enjoy.



1) William and Carl were beginning to suspect that this particular team-building exercise might not be the most productive use of their marketing department retreat time.
2) Once they were triple-dog-dared, they really had no alternative but to stick their noses together.
3) Christoff’s new performance art piece called, “America only smells bad to the gays” was not meeting with much critical success.
4) "What we're doing right now is pretty much all we're asking for legally."
5) “And I say that Arizona was illegally annexed in a racist war against Mexicans. Any time you feel like sewing that 50th star onto my flag, you just go ahead and try, bitch!”
6) "I'm confused. I thought all you people looked like David Bowie."
7) “Dude, you have a clear hair line all the way around your head and your bangs are combed down over your forehead. Until people like you stop hiding your baldness, there will be no justice for any of us!”
8) Howard didn't understand what he was feeling. How could he remain opposed to gay marriage when he was standing in front of the most ravishing creature he had ever seen?
9) “Oh yeah? Well, maybe I’m only holding up this flag to hide the fact that I’m pitching a tent the size of the friggin’ Superdome under here. What do you think about that, faggot?”

Wanna read more?

Top 5 New Bills Passed By Obama Administration

President Obama passed the milestone of his 100 days in office today, and the debate has begun about how much he has accomplished in that time. To help clarify things, here are some of the lesser-known bills that the Obama administration has passed during his first 100 days.




Douglas:

1. All music CDs must display warning label if they contain lyrics deemed to be "too crackery."

2. Declared truce in war on drugs so he could get his smoke on.

3. Everyone with Obama sticker on their car entitled to free cheesy bread with any regular price purchase.

4. All future presidential candidates must be able to pronounce "nuclear" without the "y" sound.

5. All CEOs of car companies have until June 1st to forfeit their testicles.


Philip

1. New law mandating that American voters live up to the expression and “never go back.”

2. Americans must refer to his wife as either “The First Lady” or “Miss Obama” if you’re nasty.

3. White House to be painted a non-threatening shade of mocha.

4. All legislation now concludes with the line, “or else Michelle will break off her Jimmy Chu’s in your ass.”

5. Ordered all White House urinals to be lowered by 3 inches.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Ways To Avoid The Swine Flu

The sudden outbreak of swine flu has people worried that we could be facing a new global pandemic. Here are some of the lesser-known preventive measures that the Center For Disease Control is recommending to prevent the spread of this disease.


Philip:

1. If you start to develop a dry, hacking cough, immediately fling yourself off of a bridge or skyscraper.

2. Just to be safe, everyone should stop Twittering with Mexicans.

3. Always wear a protective mask that snugly covers your mouth and nose. Especially if you're ugly.

4. Every time your child coughs, proceed immediately to the nearest emergency room and scream until someone agrees to refill your prescription for Vicodin.

5. Are you white and rich? No? Then you should go ahead and start settling your affairs.


Douglas:

1. It's OK to keep kissing pigs, but try to avoid using tongue.

2. To be on safe side, Taco Bell euthanized that talking Chihuahua.

3. Next time Pablo takes off his shirt while cutting your grass, don't cuddle with it when he's not looking.

4. Cough only on people you don't know, not loved ones.

5. Avoid touching your eyes and nose. Especially after you've been dismembering people who died of swine flu.

Wanna read more?

Phive Phun Photo Captions - Prince Charles at the Vatican

Prince Charles and his horse-whore Camilla Jessica-Parker-Bowles recently popped in at the Vatican to chat up Pope Bendict XVI. Our captions for this little tete-a-tete-a-tete are below. Please add yours in the comments section.



Douglas's

1. You gave up Diana for that? I mean, I'm celibate and all but I'm not blind!
2. Mum? Oh she couldn't make it. She pretty much just stays up in her room listening to that ipod Obama got her.
3. As Camilla slowly lowered her right buttocks back onto the chair, Pope Benedict correctly guessed that she'd eaten a breakfast burrito on the drive to the Vatican.
4. William and Harry are doing splendidly thank you. And how are your chil...uh, chi..I mean...how are your chipmunks?
5. Camilla really does have her heart set on this place and you can see I've made a fair offer. So, any chance you could be out of here by Sunday?

Philip's:

1. Oh, no, we’re not here to seek absolution. Just dropping by to say hello. Why do you ask?
2. Well, if it isn’t the Prince of Wales and his cheating whore. I kid! I kid because I care.
3. So then the Rabbi says, ‘If sex on the Sabbath were work, my wife would have the maid do it!’ Okay, we should get this meeting started before the cameraman gets set up.
4. The chairs? I had them reupholstered down at Cheap Pete’s on 15th and Buona Vista. Tell him Benedict sent you – he’ll cut you a deal.
5. See, Camilla, I told you that was a tiny little hat. She thought it was that bald spot spray paint stuff.

Wanna read more?

New Deal - Finish The Sentence

If we have learned one thing about you nice people it's that you do love your lists. With that in mind we have a new thingy we're introducing today called "Finish the Sentence." Here's the concept - we post a picture of someone saying something. Specific enough so far? Then we post the beginning of whatever they are saying and we provide a list of how they might end that sentence. Oh just follow along, you'll get it.

Today's picture is of our favorite snaggle-toothed talentless tramp, Miley Cyrus. (I know, you were hoping for Kirsten Dunst) Miley is attending the British premiere of her movie "Hannah Montana" with her father, Billy Ray Joe Bob Willie Cyrus.



The beginning of Miley's sentence is:

"Daddy! How many times have I told you..."

Below are the ways we might have ended that sentence. Anything that requires this much setup must be hilarious right? Um, right?

Douglas's List

1. "...the camera should only ever point at me! EVER!"
2. "...not to keep showing them those pictures I took in the shower!"
3. "...that's disgusting even if you do call it your Achy Breaky Fart!"
4. "...to drop me off a block from my movie openings and I'll walk the rest of the way!"
5. "...you'll never grasp quantum physics until you accept that light can be described as both a wave AND a particle! What? The mike is on? Hey y'all! How you doin' in Aingland t'nite?"

Philip's List

1. “…to stop sending videos of Justin to the police. He’s my boyfriend, not just a creepy pedophile stalker.”
2. “…not to dress like a waiter when we’re out in public.”
3. “…to stop taking pictures of all the teenage boys that come to my appearances. It’s just weird.”
4. “…the judge ordered you to stop posting those ‘hot underage cleavage’ shots on your MySpace page.”
5. “…that TMZ will send cameramen to my appearances now. You don’t have to record everything yourself.”
   

As always, please add your entries in the Comment section below. Even if your effort isn't all that funny, we will always pretend that it is. Good for morale.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Least Popular Earth Day Activities

Yesterday was Earth Day, which people all over the world celebrated by participating in ecological activities, such as planting trees and cleaning up parks and beaches. But since not everyone knows the best way to help the environment, here are the least popular ways that people chose to observe this occasion:



Philip's list:

1. Cut up Styrofoam peanuts into bite-size chunks so that birds don’t choke on them.

2. Drove my smaller SUV to the gym around the corner.

3. Dressed up as old Indian and walked around local highways crying at discarded soda cans.

4. Instead of throwing my pile of Big Mac wrappers out the window, I just left them on the floorboard of my Hummer where they can’t do any damage to the environment. You’re welcome, Mother Nature.

5. Brought my entire porn stash to the recycling center instead of the city dump. Except for my January 2004 Penthouse. Nobody’s laying a finger on my January 2004 Penthouse.





Douglas's list:

1. American Idle - a contest to see whose car can idle longest before running out of gas.

2. Symbolically spraying away all your old aerosols.

3. Local lake sponsored annual "Coke Can Catapult" contest.

4. Recycling your used motor oil by pouring it right back into the ground it came from.

5. Cutting large swath through forest so people can walk through and enjoy nature.

Wanna read more?

Top 5 Surprising Actions Taken By Judges

An Idaho judge recently ordered a defendant's mouth to be shut with duct tape when he became disruptive during a court hearing. Here are some other surprising actions taken by judges:



Philip's list:

1. Judge in Nevada keeps ending every statement he makes with the words “in bed,” followed by incessant giggling: “Objection sustained… in bed!”

2. At the beginning of the month, a judge declared a murder suspect not guilty, then shouted “April fools!”

3. Nevada judge decides sentencing by letting defendants spin the “Wheel of Punishment.”

4. Mississippi judge kept referring to the defense attorney as “college boy,” while spitting loudly into a brass spittoon.

5. California judge gave a convicted murderer a 20-sided die and said, “The court hereby sentences you to die by lethal injection, unless you make your saving throw.”





Douglas's list:

1. Judge constantly brought proceedings to a halt by refusing to change his cell phone's ringtone from "banging gavel."

2. Secretly replaced defendant's brewed coffee with Folger's instant crystals.

3. Instead of yelling "All rise!", judge makes bailiff yell, "Simon says, 'All rise!'"

4. Judge pronounced defendant guilty. Guilty of love in the first degree.

5. Instructed jury that they could find the defendant guilty, not guilty, or not guilty by reason of that hairy-ass mole on his face.
Wanna read more?

Phive Phun Photo Captions - Daisy Dog

The hottest, stinkiest parts of hell are reserved for those who dress up their dogs. I know because my wife has already reserved our spot. The shame.

This photo is of an innocent bulldog being reduced to a floral punchline by its soulless owner. Please do not look below if you have eaten recently or if there are children nearby. Remove all tender vegetation from the room.



Douglas's

1. First they cut my balls off and now this.
2. When we get home, I'm totally biting off his leg at the ankle.
3. If that damn lizard can sell insurance, why can't I sell Miracle Gro?
4. This is nothing. On Halloween she dresses us like Dr. Evil and Mini Me.
5. Why can't I just play poker like those cool dogs in the painting?

Philip's

1. Why did she have to name me ‘Daisy?’ She could have named me ‘Goddess’ or ‘Your Majesty,’ but noooo…
2. My owner dresses me like this and they call me a bitch?
3. Every damn spring. She has to break out this freakin’ daisy costume every damn spring.
4. Look at this face. Was I not ugly enough for you already?
5. I swear, if one more lady grabs my face and squeals about how cute I am, I’m gonna go all Cujo on her ass.

OK now it's your turn. I know you've got some captions in you. You just have to let them out.

xxxooo,
The Dyer Boys
Wanna read more?

Top 5 Military Interrogation Surprises

Recent military documents unveiled by the Obama administration show that one terror suspect was tortured by leaving him alone in a room with a caterpillar. Here are some other surprising interrogation tactics that were revealed in those documents:



Philip's List:

1. Tell suspect that you just need one more good tip to keep your job, while showing him pictures of your children.

2. Force suspect to watch High School Musical 3 on a 24-hour loop; stop when ears begin to bleed.

3. Show suspects alternate translation of the Koran that says they will actually be greeted in heaven by 72 armadillos.

4. Abandon suspect in a Texas Wal-Mart wearing a “Bush sucks” t-shirt; let nature take its course.

5. Pump room full of marijuana smoke then promise suspect that you’ll totally share your Funyuns with him if he’ll tell you where Bin Laden is.




Douglas's List:

1. Suspect held in small room with Madonna’s eyebrows.

2. Due to a typo in a memo, one interrogator mistakenly took a suspect “boogie” boarding.

3. One suspect forced to watch entire hour of “700 Club.”

4. Some suspects forced to swim less than half an hour after eating.

5. An interrogator repeatedly touched suspect’s nose after rubbing feet on shag carpeting.

Wanna read more?

National Bring Your Crap Candy to Work Day - by Douglas

Every year, for about a week after Easter, an altogether untoothsome practice occurs at offices around the country. People bring in the crap candy their kids got for Easter that they don’t want to eat. Same thing happens at Halloween. Well. How FREAKING generous of you!

You know who you are. And you know what you’re doing. Once the kids are in their beds, producing plaque at rates rivalling Tribbles, you’ll casually stroll over to their Easter baskets. Is that a Baby Ruth mini I see? No? Dammit, who left the wrapper in there? Hmm, nothing good in this one. Aha, there’s a Krackle! You shove it noisily into your mouth and scour the remains to see that…ALL THE CHOCOLATE IS GONE!!!

Well, there’s just one thing left to do then – it’s time to get this crap off the kitchen counter. So you bring the candy to the office to share with your co-workers. “Oh how nice!” we internally exclaim as we see the bucket with the little bucktoothed rabbit on it. “Someone must have brought in their extra Easter candy!”


But our collective hopes sag like hapless cougar as a quick glance inside the orthodontically-challenged bucket reveals four root beer Dum Dums and seven watermelon Jolly Ranchers. You bastard! You’re probably at your desk right now giving yourself an imaginary pat on the back and trying to figure out how to claim this on your taxes.



“Hey, help yourself to that candy!” Mr. Assmunch says as he takes the last cup of coffee and returns the empty carafe to the warmer.

“Oh, you brought that, did you? Must have been a slow Easter at the Assmunch house this year.”

“What do you mean?” he rebuts with some poorly-rehearsed gesture/expression-of-innocence combo. “I saw a couple of Mr. Goodbars down there. You just have to dig a little.” He hastily beats his retreat. This guy will be first in line at the Thanksgiving Potluck, eyeballing your famous sweet potato casserole.

“Did you bring your yams?” he’ll ask, barely intelligible due to the rapidly pooling saliva.

“Sure did. What did you bring?”

“Those,” he’ll respond, pointing to a bag containing twenty cups. Your office has thirty people.

“Ooh, are those store brand eight-ouncers? Nice choice.” Assmunch.
Wanna read more?

Phive Phun Photo Captions - Obama Easter

First, we have some exciting news. We have been selected for membership in a very exclusive and very funny group of people known as the Humor Bloggers. Please go check them out - we've been fans for a while now.

This weeks photo is a charming picture of the Obama's first White House Easter. They hosted a bunch of kids who participated in the "Egg Roll", presumably some manner of sport rather than the ubiquitous Chinese appetizer.



Douglas's

1. If you're scaring the bejeezus out of little children and you know it clap your hands!
2. President Obama hoped to send a clear pro-gay message by inviting Flopsy the drag queen rabbit to host the White House Easter Egg Hunt.
3. The bunny and Mrs. Obama were clearly at odds when describing the President's husbandly attributes.
4. Grace Slick grabbed the child next to her and demanded to know if she saw the rabbit too.
5. Jimmy Stewart always laughed when Harvey told him he'd one day be in the White House. Who's laughing now, bitch?

Philip's

1. "I know we're supposed to be celebrating Easter today, but I've always wanted to do this -- "Don't cry for me, Argentiiinnnaaaaaa..."
2. President Obama tries not to look at the creepy Donny Darko rabbit that follows him everywhere and tells him to shoot at airplanes.
3. The Obamas shocked Americans yesterday by announcing their first experimentation with LSD.
4. Using a giant rabbit to promote his new national eye care program sounded so cute during the meetings.
5. After getting off to a rough start, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner was demoted to White House child entertainment duty.

OK peeps (pun intended), give us your best shot.
Wanna read more?

Top 5 Signs That The Economy Is Recovering

President Obama announced today that the economy is recovering, with resurgent home sales and a record quarterly profit by Wells Fargo seeming to support his claim. Here are some additional signs that our economy is finally in recovery.



Philip's list:

1. Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke no longer testifying before Congress wearing only a barrel and suspenders.

2. Banks announce plans to resume shoveling money at middle-aged white men by the end of the month.

3. Recent photos reveal that Britney Spears is finally able to afford underwear.

4. My local bank branch manager no longer screams "Lordy, Lordy!" while doing a prospector dance each time I deposit my paycheck.

5. Grocery stores stop offering layaway option for dairy purchases.



Douglas's list:

1. Donald Trump begins re-hiring people he fired in The Apprentice.

2. Warren Buffet has quit using anything under a 20 to light his Cubans.

3. Wall Street cancels "Buy one stock get one free" marketing campaign.

4. Citibank no longer featuring "Topless Tellers Tuesday".

5. Crack whores no longer accepting personal checks.
Wanna read more?

Cell Phones and 70s Television Medicine - by Douglas

Anyone who grew up watching the likes of Charlie’s Angels and MASH knows that there is one surefire cure for amnesia – a judo chop to the base of the skull. I don’t remember specific shows or episodes but I do seem to remember a good number of 70's TV moments involving people with amnesia who were miraculously cured when they received a goodish whack on the coconut.

Patient – Doctor I can’t remember anything! My name, my address! Nothing!
Nurse – (Putting hands on knees and squeezing shoulders together to better accentuate her cleavage) What are we going to do, doctah?
Doctor – (Picking up ball peen hammer then, thinking better of it, picking up a two by four) Not to worry. If you survive the crushing impact to your skull, you’ll be sleeping in your own bed with your wife tonight.
Patient – I have a wife?
(Sickening crunch of skull bone)

What have we learned? No one uses leeches any more! It’s all blunt force trauma these days! I mean, read The New England Journal of Medicine once in a while!



So, remembering this important lesson from my youth, I applied the exact same logic accidentally to my cell phone. Several days ago I dropped it and it quit working. What it actually did was switch to the mode where it thought I had a Bluetooth thingy connected to it. So, if I answered a phone call, I couldn’t hear them and they couldn't hear me. I could still use it for text messaging but my giant middle-aged thumbs are better suited for chiseling notes into rocks and tying them to the legs of pterodactyls then sending them on their way.

This went on for the past several days with me knowing that I would soon find myself in the cell phone store buying a new phone. For me, this is barely preferable to finding myself in Indiana Jones’ snake pit with a pissy boa constrictor wrapped around each testicle and a rattler dangling toothily between them.

Then something weird happened. No, not the thing where I sleepwalked next door and licked my neighbor on his bald spot while chanting, “Freckles, freckles, freckles…” But that was weird. What happened was, I dropped my phone again. I never drop my phone, and here I’ve done it twice in the span of a week. Then, when I inspected it for damage I saw that the little Bluetooth symbol was now turned off. I called my wife and we heard each other talking. I was like Helen Keller with her hand under the water.

So, short story long, I’m pretty sure I’m a faith healer now. I’m testing my theory a little later with the gimpy lady who works on the fourth floor. I haven’t figured out how to lay my hands on her without getting HR involved but when has that stopped me before? Wanna read more?

Top 5 Unexpected Quotes From Levi Johnston's Interview With Tyra Banks

We enjoy stealing comedy bits from others so much, that today we are launching a new Dyer Boys blog feature: The Top 5 List. As with the photo captions, each of us is going to write 5 items for each list. Please add your own items by commenting as well. Todays Top 5 List is:

Top 5 Unexpected Quotes From Levi Johnston's Interview With Tyra Banks


Philip's list:

1. Hey, it’s my constitutional right not to wear a jimmy hat. Look it up, bitches.

2. I don't get it. My cousin and I used the rhythm method for years and she never got pregnant.

3. When she asked me to wear protection, I thought she meant a helmet, which I always wear during sex anyway.

4. We hadn’t been using condoms for months, so I have no idea how she got pregnant that time.

5. The kid can’t be mine. We only did it when she was ovulating, which is, like, the safest time, right?

Douglas's list:

1. Hellz yeah, she got pregnant! When the Levis come off, the Levi gets on, yo!

2. We just thought Britney Spears and Keven Federline looked so happy. We wanted what they had.

3. Levi hits what Levi shoots at. Caribou, moose, the uterus-bound eggs of the governor's daughter - it don't matter.

4. So let's address the rumors, Levi. The Post alleges that you are actually far more likely to have fathered the retarded one.

5. Yeah, I couldn't wear a condom because of my latex allergies. That's the same reason I'm not gonna go to medical school.

Wanna read more?

Phive Phun Photo Captions - Gun Show

This is a disturbing picture of a cherubic young girl bearing arms like nobody's business. In fact, that is an honest-to-God AK47 in the urchin-pleasing color pink. Now, we at TheDyerBoys.com do support all ten amendments in the Bill of Rights but damn. These captions write themselves but they don't put themselves in the Comments section. That is up to you.



Douglas's Five

1. "A pink AK47? Why would you want a...pink...oh, you know Daddy just can't say no to his little snookum wookums."
2. Tobacco manufacturers quickly followed suit with their Wild Cherry Extreme Pink cigarettes.
3. Ooooh, rednecks are just so darn CUTE at this age!
4. Pink guns don't kill people, precious little girls with pink guns kill people.
5. Smith and Wesson would never be the same after selling a majority interest to Mary Kay Cosmetics.

Philip's Five

1. “Please, Daddy? I promise I’ll only use it to shoot strays and to keep the cops away from our meth lab. Pleeeaasse?”
2. Nothing says, “Happy 12th birthday, Melissa,” like an adorable custom-made assault rifle.
3. To match the cute pink décor, these headphones flip up to make Mickey Mouse ears.
4. When the Barbie commercials say, “Accessories sold separately,” this is what they’re talking about.
5. When their assumption that the military would start admitting gay soldiers turned out to be incorrect, the makers of AK-47s struck upon a brilliant new marketing tactic.

Wanna read more?

Seek And Ye Shall Find Something Freaky- by Philip

One of the best things about writing a blog is that we have access to Google Analytics, which gives us some statistics about our site traffic. My favorite section of all is the one that lists what keywords the viewers were searching for when they found our blog. Suffice it to say that some people out there are seriously messed up.

Of course I'm not talking about you, Dear Reader. You have found our site because you wanted to be here and are, for some reason, interested in what my brother and I have to say. What I’m talking about are the people who enter some freaky search term and then click on our blog, only to leave immediately upon discovering that we’re not actually a Brigitte Nielsen fan site. Most of the more colorful search terms were just run-of-the-mill phrases by people looking to find something fun on the Web, such as these:

“Brenda Warner MILF” – Hey, if that’s what you want to see, you'll get no argument here.

“Fart” – This one was probably Douglas.

“Boys button hot” – I don’t think that boys actually have a hot button. Could they mean a sunburned midriff?

“Boys loud farts” – I think this is just someone trying to download sounds that they can install on someone’s computer as a practical joke. At least I hope it is.

“Dreadlock gay” – Pretty specific, but that’s what makes the world go ‘round, right?

“Get your woody serviced here” – I’m hoping this is in reference to the old slogan about station wagon repairs.

“Hot judo tattoo” – Herve Villechaize liked hot judo?

“Hot MILFs with young boy” – More power to you, dude.

“Hot young Russian boys.com” – Why not just link all those words together and enter it in your browser’s address field? I’m not going to do it, but this guy should have.

“Oprah without makeup” – Somewhere there is a man sitting in front of his computer who has turned to stone.

“Ragu corsets” – Is this a kink that I haven’t heard of yet? Maybe a very specific recipe ingredient? Seriously, anyone have any ideas on this one?

“Watchmen blue schlong” – Just go see the movie. Finding it online might be fun for you, but it’s nothing compared to seeing it on the very, very big screen.

“Yeinjee.com” – Again, why not just go to that site? And what is it about our site could have possibly brought us up in this search result? Was it the Engrish thing?

By far, the biggest category of people who found our site by accident was of those who were looking for a specific kind of breast. Check out this list of tit searches:

“Barbi twins tits”

“Bouncing tits”

“Bollywood tits”

“Black tits huge”

“Enormous tits”

“Giant tits”

“Girl with huge tits”

“Huge japan tits”

“Huge boobies”

“Lopsided tits”

“Naked girls with huge tits”

“Redhead with huge tits”

And I wish I were kidding about this but “licking dog tits”

I bet that Freud would have loved having access to all this kind of research material. In addition to all of the mammary-obsessive and fart-centric searches, a few people completely baffled me by the things they were looking for:

“What is meant when a person say ‘I am a carrot’?” – Until I read this search term, I thought that I was the only person in history who ever said, “I am a carrot,” even though I was foolishly trying to speak Japanese at the time. Maybe there’s another gaijin out there making the same mistake that I made. Hey, buddy, it’s “ningen,” not “ninjin.” Please make a note of it.

“Hood haircuts for boys with big forehead” – We’re getting into some seriously weird territory here. Still, if some poor kid out there wants to look all hood, but hasn’t been able to pull it off because of his giant forehead, it’s great to see that he’s taking the reins and trying to better himself through research. Good on ya.

But the grand prize winner, by far, would have to be:

“Sexiest gay blue film of boysto boys of school going” – Okay seriously, what the hell? I’m assuming that English is not this person’s first language, or maybe even his second or third, but that’s some undeniably freaky syntax. And speaking of “freaky,” what is this guy actually looking for? Gay students going somewhere together, perhaps in a top-secret “boysto” device? Did he just run out of room in the search field? Whatever it is, I hope this guy finds what he’s looking for online, and not in his neighborhood. Or mine.

Despite how this post might come across, I’m actually a huge fan of internet porn. I’m admittedly not a big consumer of it, myself, but I think that online pornography has done more to stop sexual crimes than just about anything in human history. The more that you tell people that they shouldn’t feel the way they do and shouldn’t do the things that they want to do, the more those people will want to do it, and the worse they’ll feel about themselves for having that predilection in the first place. Just one internet search will show you that you aren’t the only person in the world who likes wearing a bra on your head while sitting naked on a rocking horse covered in whipped cream. Not only do you have friends online, but you can also satisfy your cravings in the comfort of your own home without the slightest need to involve an unwilling participant. I can just about guarantee you that John Wayne Gacy’s crawl space would have remained nice and empty if he'd had access to Google.

But that’s not the real point of this post. The real point is to list all of those kinky search terms again so that the people who wanted to find them in the first place will find our site again and give it a second look. Stay longer than 4 seconds this time and you might find something that you like. Until then, keep letting your freak flags fly. Online, at least.

Wanna read more?

What Obama Should Have Brought To Europe - by Philip

While this is a counter-point to Douglas’s post about Obama giving an iPod to The Queen, I actually have to agree that a device that is primarily used to listen to Lil’ Wayne and watch Family Guy would not have been my first choice as a present for British Royalty, and certainly not to a woman of Her Majesty’s advancing years. That said, here are a couple of points on Obama’s behalf:

- Before giving her the iPod, President Obama researched the Queen’s favorite music and personally BitTorrented a crapload of it for her listening pleasure. She apparently loves show tunes. Imagine that – a queen who loves show tunes! In addition, he included a custom-made video of the Queen’s last visit to America, which, you have to admit, was pretty darn thoughtful. If he had gotten Morgan Freeman to do the voiceover, that would have been awesome, but it was still a lovely thought.

- The present that Queen Elizabeth and the always-entertaining Prince Philip gave to the Obamas was –get this– a framed picture of themselves. If this had been some sort of white elephant gift party, the Obamas would have passed that one on to Sarkozy in hopes of getting a hovercar or maybe a watch that shoots laser beams.



I have absolutely no defense of Obama’s gift to Gordon Brown, especially in comparison to the gift that the president received in return. While the present that Obama received will undoubtedly be a centerpiece in the Oval Office, those DVDs will most likely become a nice set of shiny coasters in the 10 Downing rec room. Dude, seriously.

But I’d rather light a candle than curse Obama’s darkness (Oh, wow… I, um, can’t believe I just said that.) so here are some suggestions for what he should get for G20 leaders the next time they meet:

1. Cristina Fernández of Argentina – A waddle-ectomy. As the hottest member of the G20, President Cristina would be a total GILF if she just retracted a bit of that neck flap. Sarah Palin, take a gander to see how you’ll look in about 15 years. Other than the holding public office part.

2. Kevin Rudd of Australia – A giant crate of SPF100 sunblock. As the earth’s temperature keeps warming up and the ozone continues to deplete over Australia, more than any other country-nent, the more protection we can offer our friends down under, the better. Plus, maybe a little apology for all that carbon dioxide.

3. Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva of Brazil – A white, blue-eyed guy that he can publicly berate whenever his country’s stock market declines. That and a beard trimmer.

4. Stephen Harper of Canada – A 10-year extension of NAFTA. That way, we can keep trafficking our guns up north and they can keep providing us with cheap drugs. It all works out.

5. Hu Jintao of China – A huge gift basket of children’s toys and dairy products, laced with lead and melanine. Oh, and a 12-trillion-dollar IOU.

6. Nicolas Sarkozy of France – A huge bottle of Viagra. President Sarkozy has more wives and children than Brigham Young, and now he’s hooked up with smoking hot French film star, Carla Bruni? Party on, mon ami!

7. Angela Merkel of Germany – A proper backrub. The one that President Bush gave her clearly creeped her out, so it would be nice if she could see how a real U.S. president works out upper-back tension. Just sit back and relax, Madame Chancellor.

8. Manmohan Singh of India – A year’s subscription to Geek Squad tech support. We should give him a special hotline so that the teenager sitting in a warehouse in Bangalore won’t answer his call by saying, “Hello, my name is Johnny. How may I help you?”

9. Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono of Indonesia – A way better tourism campaign. Any tourist attraction site that proudly features "Balim Valley villagers wearing traditional gourds" is not exactly going to drum up a lot of interest.

10. Silvio Berlusconi of Italy – A shock collar that zaps him every time he says something racist or misogynistic, which is pretty much daily. You can’t go around calling Obama “suntanned” and telling a German European Parliament member that he looks like a concentration camp guard and expect to leave a proud legacy.

11. Taro Aso of Japan – Proper uniforms for their sumo wrestlers. Believe me, Americans want to see 400-pound men participating in professional sports, but no one wants to watch a fat man cavorting around in a diaper. Trust me, sumo would go over huge on ESPN2 if the wrestlers would just put on a shirt and something to cover their nethercheeks.

12. Felipe Calderón of Mexico – Guaranteed employment of thousands of his citizens on a huge U.S. construction project. You can’t miss it – it’s a gigantic fence along our border that looks like a Cristo art installation, except more racist.

13. Dmitry Medvedev of Russia – An all-expense-paid visit to the Mayo Clinic to have Vladimir Putin’s arm removed from his ass. Though it is kind of cool that, when Medvedev talks, you can barely even see Putin’s lips moving.



14. King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia – A written guarantee that, no matter how many times his country orchestrates terrorist attacks against our country, we will continue to exact our revenge on whichever Middle Eastern nation looks the weakest. Yemen, I wouldn’t get too comfortable if I were you.

15. Kgalema Motlanthe of South Africa – Holland. The Dutch occupied South Africa for over 100 years, so turnabout is fair play, right? Maybe just 5 or 10 years would make everyone feel better. Britain, you’re up next.

16. Lee Myung-bak of South Korea – An assload of missiles and radiation suits. His neighbor to the north is a bit on the batshit crazy side and is hell-bent on developing nuclear weapons and long-range missiles. Don’t worry, South Korea. You keep shipping us substandard cars and electronics and we’ll keep an eye on the border for you.

17. Abdullah Gül of Turkey – An oversized novelty certificate changing the name of his country from “Turkey” to “Tofurkey.” The times, they are a’changin’, President Gül – please try to keep up.

18. Gordon Brown of Britain – In addition to an NTSC-compatible DVD player, President Obama should really try to pick up something that can rival that pen made out of the wood from a former slave ship. Unfortunately, after looking at the prime minister, all I can think to give him would be a bunch of hair care products, ‘cause damn! His policies are decidedly 21st-century, but his hair is still stuck in the 1970s. We’ll start with some mousse to get control of that forehead swirl and then move on to gel and eyebrow trimmers later.

19. Since the United States would be the 19th member of the G20, this should be the spot where I list the gift that President Obama would be presenting to the 20th member of the group. Unfortunately, there is no 20th member of the G20, so maybe Obama could present the group with a new member? They either need to change the name of the group to the G19 or fire off a hastily written note to –I don’t know– Belgium or someone.

I hope that these suggestions have been helpful to you, Mr. President. If you would like to thank me with a present, I’m not above you re-gifting that framed photo of the Queen to me. I have a thing for cankles.

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Barack Sanford Obama Coming to Join You Queen Elizabeth! - by Douglas

An iPod? Really? A freaking iPod? If you were going to meet the Queen of England (no, not Elton John) would you bring as your gift from, not just you, but the entire United States of America, an iPod? “Hey your highness, the states all chipped in and, well, you know times have been a little tough lately…”




President Obama, God bless him, is quickly becoming the guy you have to think twice about inviting to the party. Don’t get me wrong, I understand that he’s going to pull the nation out of economic quicksand and he’s Black Jesus (Bleesus?) and all that but damn! This is one leader of the free world you do NOT want buying you a present.

Remember his first meeting with British Prime Minister Gordon Brown? He got the PM some DVDs! Now, PM Brown is America’s most loyal global ally and the one guy that Obama can count on to have his back in any world crisis. Brown knows this, so when they first met he went to some trouble finding a gift for Obama and eventually settled on a pen holder carved from the wood of an anti-slavery ship. If they were dating, this is the moment Obama would recount as the moment he knew he’d found Mr. Right.

Oh, and the DVDs? They don’t work in British DVD players! So Brown gives Obama a piece of history that would make the experts at Antiques Roadshow bust their heads open slipping around on their own drool, and Obama gives Brown a pile of useless plastic. Thanks Prez, I’ll throw these into the blue recycling bin.

So now our President is the laughing stock of the world leader gift-giving community and is on his way to meet with French President Sarkozy and Russian President Medvedev. I bet Sarkozy’s executive assistant recently received a phone call from America asking what size boxers he wears. And Medvedev’s assistant probably got a similar call asking if they like their candles scented with lavender or cucumber melon. Hey Obama, don’t forget to take off the “3 for $10” sticker.

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Oral Hygiene - by Douglas

What do you call my generation? I was born in 1968. I’m not a baby boomer or a Gen X’er. Maybe I’m part of the draft card burning boom. Or the drug-fueled free-love boom. Gross. My parents did drugs? And my biological father could be the guy who lived in the next townhouse? Philip, did you know this? Why do you always feel I need PROTECTING??? (and breeeeathe) OK, despite all the disturbing parental speculation, I do know one thing for certain – it’s a great time to be unhealthy!



For those of you able to do math in your head, you will have pegged my age at around 40. You win a kewpie doll! You may also then realize that I am at that wonderful age where I start seeing doctors with other specialties besides “General Practitioner.” I’m still avoiding the slippery glove of death but there’s one I couldn’t manage to evade – the endodontist.

For years my dentist has been threatening to send me to the endodontist for my periodontal disease. Back it up, ladies, I’m spoken for. And when something disheartening happens, like the Cubs lose, my Dad is not above spreading his pain by telling me of his many visits to have his…gulp…gums scraped. So between my Dad and my dentist (and my many early years of neglectful oral hygiene - still spoken for ladies) I knew the day of reckoning must not be far away. I was right.

I recently found myself spending a few anxiety-riddled moments with my new endodontic specialist going over x-rays, showing me where my bifurcations are pitting (for real), and prodding my gumline repeatedly with a small metal javelin while rapid-firing numbers to an assistant. “Two. Two. Four. Three. Oooh, six," (with a disapproving wince/pucker). She started this face-jabbing exercise by telling me that we want all the numbers to be one. That was the last time she used the word “one.” She ended the exercise by saying she thinks we are going to be able to catch this in time. Those words did not have their intended calming effect.



By the time she finished, my sphincter was spasming out of control, I was sweating over a minimum of 95% of my body, and I was white-knuckling the dent-o-lounger waiting for my now-blurry endodontist to describe my impending gum scraping. Then she began playing a video of the procedure I would need. “Can I make you more comfortable?” offered the assistant. “Sure, could you anger a nest of hornets and stick it down my pants? Front or back – your choice.”

Then, through the thick sarcasm and bitterness I was able to see, miracle of miracles, the video showing that the Mengelevian gum scraper has been replaced by a teensy, painless laser. Laser? No more scraping? She nearly laughed that I thought they still scraped. Hell, they wouldn’t even scrape gums at Gitmo! So I managed to pass my first bout of middle age with flying colors and both middle fingers pointing victoriously skyward. Hey Dad! Hey dentist! Scrape this!


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