Top 5 Other Cancelled CIA Projects

CIA director, Leon Panetta, has officially cancelled the Bush administration’s aborted mission to assassinate al-Qaeda leaders around the world because it’s, like, all illegal and stuff. Here are some of the other Bush-era CIA operations that have recently been cancelled:



Philip's list:

1. Operation Go Fetch the President Some More Pabst Blue Ribbon Right Freakin' Now Or I'll Cancel Your Funding, Bitches!

2. During those fasting days of Ramadan, keep moving back al-Qaeda members' calendars every day until they all starve. Problem solved!

3. Ended project in which Toby Keith writes songs that mindlessly whip up knee-jerk xenophobia because it was deemed "too effective."

4. Reassigned that one guy whose sole responsibility was to make sure that the President didn't pee in public.

5. Replace all of al-Qaeda's coffee with decaf and then launch Operation "Sunrise Whupass."


Douglas's list:

1. Provide all al-Qaeda members with Dish Network's NFL package. Then just walk in and shoot them on Sunday afternoon while they're eating Funyuns in the recliner.

2. Broadcast on all media that Megan Fox will sleep with anyone who renounces Islam.

3. Convince terrorists that our God gives them 73 virgins when they die. Ooh, and like a Prius or an Accord, but say it's for a limited time only.

4. Maybe, like, camels with, like, exploding humps or something. Dude, I am sooo faced right now!

5. Put bacon on all their weaponry and they won't be able to go near the stuff.

For those of you who were expecting one of us to extol on some utterly meaningless topic today, you may be wondering why we decided to write a Top 5 list instead. That's because Douglas is taking his "family" on a "vacation" and won't be available for the "rest of the week." All those quote marks don't actually mean anything, but I enjoyed putting them in there. So we're doing this list today and then our second caption of the week tomorrow and then not a damn thing until Monday.

In the mean time, if you know of any other cancelled CIA projects, by all means, please write them in the Comments section. Bon "voyage," Douglas.