Whee, we got a Wii! Oui! - by Douglas

So what did YOU get for Father’s Day? Uh huh, uh huh, that’s nice. So…anything you want to ask ME? Oh, I got a Wii, how sweet of you to ask. Most afternoons you can find me, knees shoulder-width apart, controller in one hand, nunchuk in the other, glaring intently at my TV like it is the enemy I am about to vanquish. And vanquish it I do. Along with my dignity but we’re behind closed doors here, people.


I am not proud of the fact that my four year old, Hambone, and I have already had an argument over who gets the white controller versus the red one. He won the first time but I’m keeping track. Speaking of Hambone, we’ve decided not to let him play the boxing game yet because it’s pretty violent and we already have enough trouble keeping him from headbutting the dog. Accidentally. Again. But for some reason we do let him compete in Olympic fencing where the object is to stab the other person with a sword. I think we’re OK with this because the sword is called an epee (EPP-ay) and no one could possibly suffer serious injury from something so…I don’t know…French? Well, you get the picture. Might as well be stabbing each other with lip gloss.

And now for the confession – I’m sore. From a video game. Everything from my wrists to my thickly-blanketed trapezoids have seen more action this week than Lance Bass at fraternity rush. (Again with the gay? Heard of the 21st century?) The object of Wii is to mimic your physical motions through characters on your TV. But without buying expensive-ass mats and whatnot, all of the activity is significantly arm-based. You run and do the long jump, among many other typically leggy exertions, by pumping your arms frenetically. I’m told that from behind, this looks downright lecherous.

My theory thus far is that the Wii was specifically designed to make you too weak to put your barely-used game console on EBay. So far, so weak. I couldn’t beat Stephen Hawking at arm wrestling right now if the prize was a well-oiled Megan Fox holding a red velvet cake. At least Hambone and I are getting in some much-needed bonding time. But tonight I get the white controller. I called it – you all heard me.