Top 5 Reasons Jon and Kate Are Splitting Up - Plus Awards!

Happy belated Father's Day to you guys who have been fortunate enough to experience the joy that is procreation. (Foreshadowing alert!) Hey, speaking of massive amounts of procreation, how about that Jon and Kate, huh? For those of you who have been living under Delta Burke for the past couple of years, Jon and Kate are the couple who got their own reality TV show on TLC (The Lobotomy Channel) based on the fact that out of two sexual encounters, they have produced 8 (EIGHT!) children.

Sadly, they are supposed to make a big mystery announcement on their show tonight, which every knows will be that they are separating or divorcing. If that turns out not to be true, please disregard the remainder of this blog.

Except for this part! This is the part where we announce the winners of last week's two caption contests. The winners will be driving home with their very own twin picture thing. Specifically this:


Please save the applause for the end. Our first picture featured an unfortunately clad woman of a certain age on the beach with a military helicopter in the background. Pretty generic stuff, I know.


We had a tough time ruling out most of Moog's entries including:
"Grandma apparently misunderstood Jimmy when he asked her to bring rolls to the picnic."
"Whatever this is, it HAS to be better than watching 'Cloverfield.'"
And Jenn Thorson's "And Sunrise Beach's first choice for burying up to the neck in the sand goes to..."
And Kirsten's "Even though past her prime, Mata Hari insists upon never retiring."

Philip lobbied very hard for Ettarose's entry, "First I must say I LOVE the picture. No not the woman, YOU Phillip. Hot I must say." Bonus points for good taste are awarded to Etta for complimenting the looks of my twin.

But we did finally settle on Surveygirl46 with her caption:
"Although "Sta-Puff" marshmellow HAD lost a lot of weight, wearing a bikini this early in the game was still a bit much..."
Congratulations Miss Girl46. Please pick up your award at the claims desk.

Our second picture featured a lily-white lump of bread dough toting his expensive golf clubs on the subway. Very out of place, this chap was.



Again Moog scored high marks with his:
"This course wouldn't take so long if they didn't put the holes so damn far apart."
and
"According to the police report, Jim's last words were, 'Who wants to wash my balls?'"
Sue also ranked with:
"Did anyone see a Titleist Pro V1 roll in here? Do you mind if I play through?"
But the winner of this contest goes to Chris with:
"Chiang-Foo Kong regrets his decision to trade an awesome set of Callaways for a used skateboard."
Congratulations Chris.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming. Top 5 reasons Jon and Kate are splitting up.


Philip's list:

1. Turns out that having camera crews record every minute of your life can actually increase an already stressful situation. Who knew?

2. Kate liked to spank the kids, but adamantly refused to spank Jon.

3. It’s true what they say – ladies can’t resist a guy with 8 children who’s married to a batshit crazy bitch.

4. Jon’s insistence on selecting nannies based solely on their headshot.

5. Jon kept going to the store for diapers and coming back with just a half-empty box of condoms.

Douglas's list:

1. Kate was really getting lax about changing the water in Jon's testicle jar.

2. At recent The Learning Channel promotional event, Jon caught banging that midget lady from "Little People Big World".

3. Between his hair plugs and her spiky do, they couldn't come within five feet of each other without inflicting serious injury.

4. Kate was completely unwilling to hear Jon's argument on which child they should eat if the economy got any worse.

5. Jon was insistent about changing title of show to Jon And Kate Plus Eight Minus Kate Plus That Chick From The Bar.

Congratulations again to Chris and Surveygirl46 on their deserving wins. As always, our thoughts and prayers are with Jon and Kate and their scientifically enhanced brood. And of course with the hellbound producers of their show who destroyed a family in their pursuit of TV ratings. Oh, who am I kidding, I would have left her before the fourth or fifth one popped out. If you are aware of any other reason that Jon and Kate will be going their separate ways, please tell us in the Comments section.