Marriage and Toilets - by Douglas

As of yesterday I have been with the most beautiful, smartest, funniest, sexiest woman on earth for nineteen years - Selma Hayak. Please, please, please don't tell my wife. I'm probably kidding!!! So yesterday was actually my 19th anniversary. Thank you very much, that's kind of you. Literally no one has asked me the secret of our longevity and I'm going to share that with you too. Most adages claim that a marriage will last based on your skills in the kitchen or bedroom. (sophomoric giggle) I disagree. I put to you, dear readers, that a marriage can be saved or lost even more easily in the bathroom.

"But Doug, how can using the bathroom be more important than good food and getting your freak on?" YOU WILL KINDLY SAVE YOUR QUESTIONS FOR THE END OF THE LECTURE!!! Mmfff. I assert that what is happening in the kitchen and bedroom are, in most respects, predictable and generally well-received. On the other hand, what happens in the bathroom is generally poorly received and may be a new experience entirely. Men, prior to marriage, had you ever shared a bathroom with someone who bleeds from their crotch several days a month? Sure, many of you have but you must admit there is a difference between sister cootyhead's cycle and the cycle of someone whose private area is of critical importance to you. Your sister's was too? Dude, you're on the wrong blog. Chris Hansen is down the hall, three doors to your left. Other left. Women, have you shared a bathroom with someone who not only names and categorizes their poos but is also perfectly willing to rate them on a very complicated scale and announce their score to you, unsolicited? Yeah, my wife either. That's just freaky. But you gather now that the very unpredictability of what might happen in there is reason to approach the room with healthy trepidation.

The bottom line (no pun intended) is that you are going to do things in your bathroom that will test your marriage to an unexpected extreme. I barely recall making a toast at our younger brother's wedding where I used the phrase, "The family that sprays together, stays together." Yes I have held these views for a disturbingly long time. And I will give you the same admonishment I offered him - put the toilet seat down. When you're through, of course. Gross. I apologize to my fellow sporters of external genitalia for taking this metrosexualish stance but I have been awakened one too many times by the piercing scream of a woman falling into the toilet at 3am. Never again. *shudder*

General rule of thumb is that you do enough things to piss off your spouse outside of the bathroom so don't add fuel to the fire in there too. That's the last place that needs fuel. And fires. Glade scented candles notwithstanding. You will also need to remove any and all forms of residue prior to leaving the bathroom. Whatever you are doing in there, the only evidence you should leave behind is the faint whiff of lilacs and vanilla, and possibly a little steam. And I'm not suggesting you have to give up your favorite foods, unless you regularly make a meal out of fiber-rich edamame, but there are certain food combinations that should be avoided. I am a big fan of both hummus and scotch. I will never again consume them both within the span of six hours. My lactose intolerance has also proved challenging so I do try to say no to a third helping of Blue Bell Homestyle Vanilla (God's ice cream). Such sacrifices will go a long way towards strengthening the lifelong bond of holy matrimony you and your spouse have entered into. Nineteen years and counting, people. God I miss scotch and hummus.

Happy anniversary honey. I love you. (Not us below. I wish my goatee was that lustrous)