I Swear, People

Let me start this long-ass post by saying that I love swear words. I mean, not as much as that Dani chick, but it’s still an important part of my everyday communications. It could be because I was brought up in a conservative, Baptist household where things like cursing, drinking, and expressing emotions were simply not tolerated. Or maybe it’s because I have a longstanding fascination with language and just naturally appreciate its most colorful elements. Whatever the reason, I freakin’ loves me some swear words, bitchezz.

Of course, we are trying to maintain our “PG-13” rating on this blog, so I won’t be using any actual George Carlin-level swear words in this post about cursing, but I do plan to include mature situations and graphic violence, just to keep from sliding back into wimpy “PG” territory. My point is that cursing plays a vital role in communication and is actually one of the best ways to make conversations more lively and expressive. For example, if you say to your grandmother, “Please pass the mashed potatoes,” you have done nothing to contribute to the evening’s conversation. But if you instead say to her, “Lay some f-ckin spuds on me, you old ho-bag,” then you will be saying something that will add to your family’s rich oral tradition for many years to come. Also note, that CPR experts advise using ten heart pumps for each breath now.



Because of my own less-than-tolerant upbringing, I have tried to maintain a much more liberal attitude toward cursing with my own children. Though let me state for the record that I still don’t allow my daughters to break God’s law by using birth control while having pre-marital sex. No point in sinning two times at once. But even though I do swear occasionally in front of my own daughters (“Occasionally” = 10-15 times per hour. Okay, maybe 25-30. Or so.), they still haven’t picked up any of my tendencies toward verbal flair just yet.

My younger daughter absolutely hates curse words and corrects me loudly whenever I use one, which is why I try to curse only when discussing how things went during my older daughter’s day at school. Even still, my older daughter (who is 15) remains extremely shy about using curse words around me. She recently banged her knee while getting into the car and let out a loud, “F-ck!” which completely mortified her since it was the first time she has ever said that word in front of me. She hasn’t turned so red since that trip to the beach when I couldn’t be bothered to walk the 75 yards back to the car to get the sunscreen. Kids can be so much work! Anyway, a good guess is that my daughters are having the equal and opposite reaction to cursing as I had as a child. Since they hear their dad doing it all the time, they naturally want no part of it. I believe that I’ve mentioned before that this is precisely why I’ve decided to have sex exclusively with men until my daughters leave the house, just so that they will have no interest in doing so themselves. Perhaps I’m taking this a bit too far.

One thing that I learned while living overseas is that cursing is not perceived at all the same way in other countries as it is here in America. In Japan, schoolkids would often say the equivalent to “damn” and sh-t” throughout the day. And just as the Japanese are far superior in their commercial-making abilities, they are also much better at swearing creatively. I know this because I had a mean neighbor when I first arrived there, so the first book I bought to help me learn Japanese was a guide to Japanese swear words, which helped me immeasurably. My favorite swear by far was, “Sh-t and then sleep in it.” They were also fond of saying, “Sh-t and die,” which seemed to be the most common insult hurled around during recess. Of course, recess in Japanese schools consists of cleaning the classroom and studying advanced electrical engineering, so maybe cursing was their only form of stress relief.



After listening to Japanese children swearing freely in conversations with their teachers and friends, I wondered why America has such a Puritanical attitude toward swearing. Sure, I guess part of it could be that we were essentially founded by the Puritans, but haven’t we modernized a little bit since then? I mean, if you say the word “f-ck” backwards, it becomes a lovely accessory to a man’s clothing ensemble. Rearrange the letters of the word “sh-t,” and you have the very thing that baseball fans root for when their team is at bat. Since baseball is America’s pastime and dressing sharply is of critical importance to the modern American male, what possible harm could come from saying the words “cuff” and “hits” in just a slightly different way?

I do realize that swearing serves the important social function of allowing a person to express himself in a way that best reveals who he is as an individual. If you speak respectfully at all times, then you are not going to have any luck applying for an intern position on the Howard Stern show, and if you curse every other word then you will probably not be appointed as President Obama’s Chief of Staff. What’s that? He does curse every other word? Okay then, maybe if you curse a lot, you should just avoid positions in the clergy. (I’m asking nicely, Douglas – don’t make a tasteless joke out of the “positions in the clergy” thing.)

So my message to you, dear reader, is that you shouldn’t succumb to social pressure to censor your own self-expression. If you don’t like cursing, then don’t curse. It’s just like when I tell my neighbor that if he doesn’t like seeing me parading around in the nude, then he should just not step out onto his front lawn. It’s as simple as that. But if you are the type of person who does enjoy cursing, then give it your all and be the best friggin’ swearer that you can be. And if anybody gives you any sh-t about it, you tell them that I said they can go cuff themselves.