1. Convinced Palestinian clothes stores to change their "Death to the Jews" t-shirts to just say "Serious bodily harm to the Jews."
2. Got everyone to agree that, no matter which religion they follow, they should all obey their thirst by enjoying the refreshing taste of Sprite™.
3. Reminded both sides of their common humanity by getting them to watch that Susan Boyle video together.
4. Made a bit of a gaffe when he didn't realize his microphone was still on and said, "What does it even matter? All these heathens are going to hell anyway."
5. Settled the "Less filling" versus "Tastes great" standoff by having both sides actually try Miller Lite and agree that it tastes like ass.
1. Mediated the Abdullah Compromise, which lists all the names that Mr. Javen Abdullah is no longer allowed to call his mother-in law, including, but not limited to, "Her Royal Fatness, Queen of Jelly Doughnuts."
2. Finished his first intermediate-level sudoku without looking up numbers in back of book.
3. Finally had some of those eggs that were named after him.
4. Managed to catch up on all his Tivoed "Lost" espisodes.
5. Negotiated peace settlement between Irving Rosenbaum and that bully fifth-grader who keeps knocking off his yarmulke.
We prayed long and hard (I'll wait for Douglas to make his "that's what she said" joke) about which items to include in our list and, like that whole section of the original Bible that covers Jesus's childhood, we decided to cut a lot of things out. However, since Garth Brooks taught us that some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, here are a few of the list items that didn't receive divine intervention and therefore ended up in the doggie bag.
1. Drafted binding agreement in Damascus subdivision clearly outlining the time after which it is no longer appropriate to play your music so damn loud.
2. Signed up for that Twitter thing all the bishops have been telling him to try.
3. Got everyone to agree to a two-state government that respects the God-given right that all people of the world have to their homelands and sacred grounds in a renewed spirit of friendship and peace. But seriously, no, he didn't do anything like that.
4. Got everyone on both sides to laugh at the fact that a former member of the Hitler Youth thought he had a snowball's chance in hell of convincing the Israeli's to do a goddamned thing.