Philip's list:
1. Convinced Palestinian clothes stores to change their "Death to the Jews" t-shirts to just say "Serious bodily harm to the Jews."
2. Got everyone to agree that, no matter which religion they follow, they should all obey their thirst by enjoying the refreshing taste of Sprite™.
3. Reminded both sides of their common humanity by getting them to watch that Susan Boyle video together.
4. Made a bit of a gaffe when he didn't realize his microphone was still on and said, "What does it even matter? All these heathens are going to hell anyway."
5. Settled the "Less filling" versus "Tastes great" standoff by having both sides actually try Miller Lite and agree that it tastes like ass.
Douglas's list:
1. Mediated the Abdullah Compromise, which lists all the names that Mr. Javen Abdullah is no longer allowed to call his mother-in law, including, but not limited to, "Her Royal Fatness, Queen of Jelly Doughnuts."
2. Finished his first intermediate-level sudoku without looking up numbers in back of book.
3. Finally had some of those eggs that were named after him.
4. Managed to catch up on all his Tivoed "Lost" espisodes.
5. Negotiated peace settlement between Irving Rosenbaum and that bully fifth-grader who keeps knocking off his yarmulke.
We prayed long and hard (I'll wait for Douglas to make his "that's what she said" joke) about which items to include in our list and, like that whole section of the original Bible that covers Jesus's childhood, we decided to cut a lot of things out. However, since Garth Brooks taught us that some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, here are a few of the list items that didn't receive divine intervention and therefore ended up in the doggie bag.
1. Drafted binding agreement in Damascus subdivision clearly outlining the time after which it is no longer appropriate to play your music so damn loud.
2. Signed up for that Twitter thing all the bishops have been telling him to try.
3. Got everyone to agree to a two-state government that respects the God-given right that all people of the world have to their homelands and sacred grounds in a renewed spirit of friendship and peace. But seriously, no, he didn't do anything like that.
4. Got everyone on both sides to laugh at the fact that a former member of the Hitler Youth thought he had a snowball's chance in hell of convincing the Israeli's to do a goddamned thing.
14 comments:
Irving must be so pleased.
LOL! I love you guys, so hilarious. :)
Walter: Yes, Irving is much happier now, though he thinks that it is a bit focacta that he has to give up two knishes and a blintz every week to maintain the treaty.
And right back at you, Chica!
Realized that the Middle East is nowhere near the North East or the South East, and then got really flustered and tried to order Schweineschnitzel at a Jewish restaraunt.
(maybe I've lived in Wisconsin too long...)
For reals, Gaines, you big ol' cheddar head.
It's the simplest one, but I liked the "eggs that were named after hiim" one.
Chris! I'm blushing! In all honesty we both thought today's post was pretty lame but it's what we had. The main thing is that Chris said mine was better than Philip's.
Well, at least I was born first! That's right, I played the trump card yet again, biznatch!
I'm impressed with the Sudoku one. He truly is a man of God.
1) After years of incessant hounding, he finally convinces Father Sarducci to include his image in the 'Find the Pope in the Pizza' contest.
2) Admitted, once and for all, that the Dreidel song really isn't all that bad.
3) Encouraged thousands of local children in overcoming adversity, using his own example that his childhood nickname was 'Bene Dick.'
4) Emulating a local squirrel, discovered that he could, indeed, fly a short distance if he pulled tight enough on his robe.
5) Debuted his new environmentally friendly Christian policies by tooling around the Mideast in his bulletproof Segway.
Found an image of himself in the blood of a Palestinian soldier which he put on eBay. All proceeds will go to the New Hat For A Pope foundation.
Took everyone to see the premiere of Angels & Demons. After they burned the theatre down, condemned Tom Hanks and Ron Howard to life in purgatory.
"What does it even matter? All these heathens are going to hell anyway."
Eh. Like we don't know.
*Honk honk*
That's the bus I'm driving. You know, to Hell.
We'll be the ones having the most fun anyway, LiLu. Who could stand listening to all that harp music for the rest of eternity?
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