Philip's list:
1. Area 51 is really just an aircraft testing facility that's been out of use since the 1960s. We keep a handful of guards there to shoot off fireworks every couple of weeks because we get a kick out of all the e-mail.
2. Wait a minute... what financial crisis?
3. Remember that time you came home and all of your furniture was bolted to the ceiling? Yeah, um... sorry about that.
4. Global warming is actually being caused by the consumption of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, so we're all totally f*cked.
5. That she's doing a great job as Speaker of the House. A really, really great job.
Douglas's list:
1. I've been to the Culinary Institute of America dozens of time and we've never once discussed waterboarding. Mostly it was just about making meringues and flapjacks and the like.
2. I haven't trusted them since they told me our new President was black. I mean, could you imagine such a thing!
3. I guess it's possible they told me. I had just had my chin re-done and I was hitting the Percosets pretty hard.
4. All they told me was that they were stuffing towels in terrorists' mouths and dousing them with water to simulate drowning. Not one word was mentioned of waterboarding.
5. They told me I was the first female Speaker of the House. But having spent no small amount of time at the capitol sauna with Newt Gingrich, I can assure you I'm not.
After a number of forceful redactions, we ended up with some items that didn't make the final cut. You may or may not find them here in the doggie bag.
1. Dennis Kucinich is actually a space alien. Oh, you knew that already? Sorry.
2. That the secret escape tunnel leading out of her office ends up in the men's locker room at the Constitution Avenue 24-Hour Fitness.
3. I was stunned to hear that we used waterboarding. I mean we're America! Surely we have more fashionable methods of torture than that!
4. They gave me a report that says I'm the second in line for Presidential succession. We're both married, so why would I want to do that to him?
14 comments:
1Swine flu? Pigs can get sick?
2Freddie Mac and Fannie May aren't lovers
That's all i got.
You guys are funny as hell, nice blog.
THE JEWS DID IT!
I'm not quite sure what they did, but the CIA is covering for them and Pelosi knows it but will deny it all.
Maybe she is one of them.
Great. Now I'm paranoid...
Thanks, FreakSmack, but you're sadly misinformed about Mr. and Mrs. Mac-May.
TOB, you should be paranoid after insulting Jews like that on a public forum. I forwarded your note to my Jewish friend who will be alerting the Hebrew authorities.
I think she actually ordered it ALL and is trying to cover her arse. You guys never disappoint!
You are squasy
That's my word verification word Define it however you chose!
Congrats..you won the eff you award !!
They never told her "Mission Accomplished." Maybe 'cause it wasn't?
1) they suspect that Rock Hudson was actually gay.
2) they suspect that jfk may have been cheating on jackie
3) they don't think that bill clinton was actually our first black president
4) a major drug trafficking ring in black market botox seems to lead to the house speaker's office
5) they thought foreign terrorists might actually like going to a water theme park
And, oh yes, if you really want to find Jimmy Hoffa's body, meet us at the alley behind Carl's Tavern in Toledo at 3 am on 5/22/09. Alone.
Dizz - No need for us to define it. Every knows that squasy means sexually irresistable.
Dani - We demand a recount.
Jerry - You are so Hollywood elite.
Thomas - Bravo again. My favorite was the botox. It's funny because it's TRUE!
1) They never told her that for years she was on the terrorist watch list because her name is an anagram for "I Slope Canny."
2) They never told her that for years it took all their manpower to keep Ronald Reagan away, thinking that his Nancy was slowly aging backwards.
3) That she has received several complaints from her drivers, saying she insists that they call her "Miss Daisy."
4) Even though we do have a black President, it is not necessary to end every Congressional Session by saying, 'word.'
moooog- those are great!
Yes, Moog is definitely the man. But on the other hand, you are also the man, Double-T. Maybe you two should settle things in some sort of cage death match?
She is still in denial after learning she is what came out of that dudes stomach in Alien.
Was told that her HMO does not, and never will, cover her wigs.
Is baffled after news that she is a black jew.
Oh man..I was right on the edge of a really spiffy comment, but got side tracked by yet ANOTHER wonderful evening upcoming here in Toledo....I'll be sure to be in attendance.... btw, the verification word for this one is HESINCA....Bless You!!
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