1. Area 51 is really just an aircraft testing facility that's been out of use since the 1960s. We keep a handful of guards there to shoot off fireworks every couple of weeks because we get a kick out of all the e-mail.
2. Wait a minute... what financial crisis?
3. Remember that time you came home and all of your furniture was bolted to the ceiling? Yeah, um... sorry about that.
4. Global warming is actually being caused by the consumption of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, so we're all totally f*cked.
5. That she's doing a great job as Speaker of the House. A really, really great job.
1. I've been to the Culinary Institute of America dozens of time and we've never once discussed waterboarding. Mostly it was just about making meringues and flapjacks and the like.
2. I haven't trusted them since they told me our new President was black. I mean, could you imagine such a thing!
3. I guess it's possible they told me. I had just had my chin re-done and I was hitting the Percosets pretty hard.
4. All they told me was that they were stuffing towels in terrorists' mouths and dousing them with water to simulate drowning. Not one word was mentioned of waterboarding.
5. They told me I was the first female Speaker of the House. But having spent no small amount of time at the capitol sauna with Newt Gingrich, I can assure you I'm not.
After a number of forceful redactions, we ended up with some items that didn't make the final cut. You may or may not find them here in the doggie bag.
1. Dennis Kucinich is actually a space alien. Oh, you knew that already? Sorry.
2. That the secret escape tunnel leading out of her office ends up in the men's locker room at the Constitution Avenue 24-Hour Fitness.
3. I was stunned to hear that we used waterboarding. I mean we're America! Surely we have more fashionable methods of torture than that!
4. They gave me a report that says I'm the second in line for Presidential succession. We're both married, so why would I want to do that to him?