Philip's list:
1. I wish you would change your policy on gay marriage. I know you're not opposed to lesbians because I've seen the CIA's list of the movies you like to watch on Cinemax.
2. I'm not saying that Keith Olbermann is a blatant Obama supporter, but during the President's last proctology exam, they found Keith's lips.
3. Some people have said that Obama is actually too white to be called the first black president. Excuse me? You want to call a brother who plays basketball and has his own cash crop in the back yard "too white?"
4. Washington isn't used to having a black man in charge yet. Just tonight, Senator Boehner has already asked Obama twice to top off his scotch and soda.
5. I don't want to support any racial stereotypes, but I heard Monica Lewinsky saying that she can't believe she wasted her affair on "Little Bill."
Douglas's list:
1. We all know that President Obama is part white. Last night I found out which part it was.
2. With a black President, mostly all the Secret Service does any more is count the silverware.
3. The Obamas finally settled on a dog. Word is, he already won his first dogfight out on the South Lawn.
4. Obama's food taster is getting real tired of fried chicken, watermelon, and Mad Dog 20-20.
5. The Obamas wanted me to apologize for them being late tonight. They were both too stoned to remember how to jump their car.
Even though we felt like twin Archie Bunkers while writing up these lists we decided to push things farther and include this doggie bag of even more god-awful list items. We apologize in advance and know exactly how terrible we're being. But we're just stupid enough to go ahead and post this stuff anyway.
Are you as stupid as we are? If you have some jokes that you wish Wanda Sykes would have told at the Correspondents' Dinner, click the Comments link below and share it with the world. Or, you know, with the 2 or 3 people who will be reading our blog after this.
1. Everyone is happy that we finally have our first black president, but could you stop ending every cabinet meeting by saying, "Can I get a what what!?"
2. I thought you were black, Mr. President, until I saw you doing that 1980s white boy dance on the Ellen show. What, were you in Wham?
3. Don Imus has been called an asshole so many times, they must have found his ass cancer by doing a full body scan.
4. Which one of you heartless bastards bribed the usher to get Tim Russert's seat this year?
15 comments:
Hands down,yall's jokes were better than Wanda's!!
Yes, I braced myself for the worst...but that was frickin funny!! ...and definitely better than Sykes for sure!
You thought the Chia Obama was offensive, wait until this one hits the market:
the Barack Ballpark frank - it plumps when you cook it.
Thinkinfyou - That's the drugs talking, isn't it? We'll take the compliment anyway.
Winky - We were genuinely uncomfortable writing this post. I freaking HATE white guilt!
Gaines - Damn right.
Funny comment on my blog Doug. Link your name so I can just ahswer you DIrectly. xxss
You guys be fun-neeee!
I liked 'em. But of course, I was a huge fan of All In The Family too.
heh heh Great job boys!
This is by far the BEST list you 2 have come up with! I cracked up with each and everyone of them. Especially the food taster one
Yeah.. we are all going to hell but we will know each other there
Suzy - Will do, sugar dumplin'.
Quirky - Thanks oodles. Archie ruled. Two-word sentences. Hyphenated uncounted!
Dizz - Stay tuned, our next one is going to be about Chinese people and their slanty little...aw dammit, Philip just fainted. I need some cold water over here, people!
I'm totally getting fucking audited this year.
1) In order to look inconspicuous when Obama is out on the town, the Secret Service are now required to roll one pant leg up.
2) With a black man now President, the limos have to bulletproofed to stop bullets from EXITING the car.
3) Indeed, Barack Obama has come a long, long way from playing an extra in Grand Theft Auto IV.
4) The White House chefs have had to go back to basics with the new President. There just aren't that many dinner party recipes that include 'chitlins.'
5) The President's most recent declaration is to have the Democratic Donkey symbol be replaced by the Colt 45 Malt Liquor bull.
In my defense, I live in San Francisco where everyone thinks everything is offensive. Last year, my daughter gave her Serbian-American friend an Indigenous Peoples Day present, but then took it back later when he insulted her feminist essence by complimenting her appearance, so he called her a Native-American giver and got suspended for a week.
Nice list, Moog! Douglas and I are taking turns peeing our pants over the Benny Lava video, BTW.
Oh, man, that was a great list. Gotta tell ya, watchin his speech it was the first time I'd ever heard a President say "wassup?"
That was the highlight of the show for me too, noname, because I spent the rest of the night trying to imagine any other president saying, "Whassup?" I have it narrowed down to Andrew Jackson and Rutherford B. Hayes.
I hate to correct your theories on the "wassup", but in 1836 Martin Van Buren ran his campaign based on wassup and was elected. He did not stick with it however and was defeated for re-election when using what he thought would be his next big slang saying "Free Soil", the voters just didn't get it.
I like your site, funny as hell.
Yeah - Obama never gets prop for his whiteness side. Isn't he 50/50? So he should get mad props next time he plays golf or does a lecture.
Thanks for setting me straight, FreakSmack, which I didn't mean to come out nearly as gay as it did. BTW, when we were setting goals for how funny we wanted the site to be, we both came up with "hell" as the target point.
And you're right, Walt, so people shouldn't be so offended every time I say how articulate he is. I could be talking about his white half!
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