As we've posted more than once, if there's one thing that Philip and I are really bad at, it's getting haircuts. We both have our haircut instructions memorized and deliver them by rote with each new depilatating adventure. I recently went to get my hair cut with my son, Hambone. (Not his real name but he does answer to it. Honest.) For the first time in a long time, I was pretty happy with my haircut. Hambone didn't fare as well. He looked like Shemp. Remember Curly's sometimes substitute who had such great reactions to being slapped by Moe because his hair would fly around in a greasy, floppy mess? We weren't home too long before my wife made a second trip to the hair place to get Hambone's hair fixed.
But the time before this haricut was one of my favorites. I spent the majority of my time squinting at the mirror in disbelief that someone with normal-sized pupils could so drastically misinterpret my simple instructions. When she finished she actually said, "Well, I tried." Honest to Allah. Just then, two of her co-workers came stumbling out of the break room giggling like they'd just rolled out of the back of a Cheech and Chong's van. They plopped down in their respective chairs and one of them offered unashamedly, "I seen two horses doin' it on the way to work this mornin'."
But I still can't bring myself to pay more than $15 for a haircut. I swear I hear the desperately beating wings of my guardian angel as she tries to pull me away from these no-appointment-necessary hair "stylists." Even the dead know better than me.
18 comments:
What are these "memorized" instructions that appointment-less scissor wielders find trouble following? And have you tried the Flowbee?
I feel your pain, Doug...I'm the same way..not just because of the lesser cost, but I just cannot be bothered to make and keep an appointment..I go when I get the whim...or when I can't stand my raggedy mop anymore. I've found that some of the stylists work better from a visual. I gave up on the verbal instructions and now just keep a picture of myself with the hair style I like...that seems to work better for me.
Nannypanties - Mine are, "Clippers with a six guard on the sides and back up to about here (judo chop just above the temple), half an inch off the top and blend in between." I have tried the flowbee but I grossly misunderstood its intended purpose and now I must use a colostomy bag.
Winky - Excellent advice! Please send me that picture and I'll bring it with me nexet time.
And THIS is exactly why I've spent the majority of my life with either long hair or a shaved head. I can't stand getting my hair cut. There may not be a barber nor stylist alive that could do it right.
Poor hambone! Buy the kid a hat they're cheaper than a haircut nowadays anyways!
I swear to you I went to school with that kid in the first picture..
Shawn - I'm feeling you dawg. And now I'm white again. Those bald guys don't know how easy they have it.
Thinkinfyou - You are a genius! Better yet, we're converting to Judaism so we'll always have to wear a yarmulke. Shalom.
Dani - You don't have to swear. Oh sorry, I forgot who I was talking to.
As much as I enjoy your captions, I like the essays even more. The quote about the definition of humility being "having been to most disgusting person in a roadside toilet" makes me laugh everytime I think of it (usually on car trips)
Thanks guys!!
If you're lucky enough to have hair, quite griping about bad haircuts. No day with hair is a bad hair day. Look, my options are "shaved" or "bowling ball in a hula skirt".
Deal with it.
Gaines - Truly a day I will never forget. I'm fairly sure I ruined the ecosystem at the rest stop for the foreseeable future.
Chris - Two words. Yul Brynner. That bastard hosed more of Hollywood than the Los Angeles County Fire Department.
I have an appointment every seven weeks -- not because I need to get it cut (or colored) necessarily but because I'm willing to pay someone to wash and brush my hair.
Very funny blog, btw -- whether you're making lists or not!
Pearl
I've paid for one haircut in my life.
It cost $8 and - trust me - was NOT worth it.
I'm 40 and my mother still cuts my hair.
When she dies, I'm follically fucked.
I mean, I'll be real sad and shit...but who the Hell is gonna cut my hair?
The beauty of losing my hair is that I don't have to spend any money getting cut. What little I have left, my wife kindly cuts for me – topless. Only I lied about the topless part.
Pearl - In the interest of the struggling economy, we've decided to wash and brush your hair for free. Please email us and we'll tell you where to send it.
Moog - It's all good. There's this Pet Semetary in Maine where you can bury her and she'll be back to cutting your hair before the flowers on her grave have wilted.
Unicorns - Topless haircutting! That is a BILLION dollar idea. I know someone who can draw us up a business plan but the key now is to keep this a secret.
Oooh good idea about the topless hair cuts. Guys would totally love that shit, titties all over the face. You wouldn't care what your hair looked like. Me I think bottomless hair cuts for us gals. I know how I am with my hair and if it was not done right, well look who's jewels are at hand level.
I hate gettin' my hair cut, as for my boys, I cut theirs myself, but almost always mess it up. good thing hair grows back eh?
Shave your head..you look bad-ass, save on hair cuts, shampoo,combs,brushes,don't have to worry about lice or any other infestations(unless you have a hairy ass) that's another story..In other words take the plunge and just shave it off.
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