- Before giving her the iPod, President Obama researched the Queen’s favorite music and personally BitTorrented a crapload of it for her listening pleasure. She apparently loves show tunes. Imagine that – a queen who loves show tunes! In addition, he included a custom-made video of the Queen’s last visit to America, which, you have to admit, was pretty darn thoughtful. If he had gotten Morgan Freeman to do the voiceover, that would have been awesome, but it was still a lovely thought.
- The present that Queen Elizabeth and the always-entertaining Prince Philip gave to the Obamas was –get this– a framed picture of themselves. If this had been some sort of white elephant gift party, the Obamas would have passed that one on to Sarkozy in hopes of getting a hovercar or maybe a watch that shoots laser beams.
I have absolutely no defense of Obama’s gift to Gordon Brown, especially in comparison to the gift that the president received in return. While the present that Obama received will undoubtedly be a centerpiece in the Oval Office, those DVDs will most likely become a nice set of shiny coasters in the 10 Downing rec room. Dude, seriously.
But I’d rather light a candle than curse Obama’s darkness (Oh, wow… I, um, can’t believe I just said that.) so here are some suggestions for what he should get for G20 leaders the next time they meet:
1. Cristina Fernández of Argentina – A waddle-ectomy. As the hottest member of the G20, President Cristina would be a total GILF if she just retracted a bit of that neck flap. Sarah Palin, take a gander to see how you’ll look in about 15 years. Other than the holding public office part.
2. Kevin Rudd of Australia – A giant crate of SPF100 sunblock. As the earth’s temperature keeps warming up and the ozone continues to deplete over Australia, more than any other country-nent, the more protection we can offer our friends down under, the better. Plus, maybe a little apology for all that carbon dioxide.
3. Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva of Brazil – A white, blue-eyed guy that he can publicly berate whenever his country’s stock market declines. That and a beard trimmer.
4. Stephen Harper of Canada – A 10-year extension of NAFTA. That way, we can keep trafficking our guns up north and they can keep providing us with cheap drugs. It all works out.
5. Hu Jintao of China – A huge gift basket of children’s toys and dairy products, laced with lead and melanine. Oh, and a 12-trillion-dollar IOU.
6. Nicolas Sarkozy of France – A huge bottle of Viagra. President Sarkozy has more wives and children than Brigham Young, and now he’s hooked up with smoking hot French film star, Carla Bruni? Party on, mon ami!
7. Angela Merkel of Germany – A proper backrub. The one that President Bush gave her clearly creeped her out, so it would be nice if she could see how a real U.S. president works out upper-back tension. Just sit back and relax, Madame Chancellor.
8. Manmohan Singh of India – A year’s subscription to Geek Squad tech support. We should give him a special hotline so that the teenager sitting in a warehouse in Bangalore won’t answer his call by saying, “Hello, my name is Johnny. How may I help you?”
9. Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono of Indonesia – A way better tourism campaign. Any tourist attraction site that proudly features "Balim Valley villagers wearing traditional gourds" is not exactly going to drum up a lot of interest.
10. Silvio Berlusconi of Italy – A shock collar that zaps him every time he says something racist or misogynistic, which is pretty much daily. You can’t go around calling Obama “suntanned” and telling a German European Parliament member that he looks like a concentration camp guard and expect to leave a proud legacy.
11. Taro Aso of Japan – Proper uniforms for their sumo wrestlers. Believe me, Americans want to see 400-pound men participating in professional sports, but no one wants to watch a fat man cavorting around in a diaper. Trust me, sumo would go over huge on ESPN2 if the wrestlers would just put on a shirt and something to cover their nethercheeks.
12. Felipe Calderón of Mexico – Guaranteed employment of thousands of his citizens on a huge U.S. construction project. You can’t miss it – it’s a gigantic fence along our border that looks like a Cristo art installation, except more racist.
13. Dmitry Medvedev of Russia – An all-expense-paid visit to the Mayo Clinic to have Vladimir Putin’s arm removed from his ass. Though it is kind of cool that, when Medvedev talks, you can barely even see Putin’s lips moving.
14. King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia – A written guarantee that, no matter how many times his country orchestrates terrorist attacks against our country, we will continue to exact our revenge on whichever Middle Eastern nation looks the weakest. Yemen, I wouldn’t get too comfortable if I were you.
15. Kgalema Motlanthe of South Africa – Holland. The Dutch occupied South Africa for over 100 years, so turnabout is fair play, right? Maybe just 5 or 10 years would make everyone feel better. Britain, you’re up next.
16. Lee Myung-bak of South Korea – An assload of missiles and radiation suits. His neighbor to the north is a bit on the batshit crazy side and is hell-bent on developing nuclear weapons and long-range missiles. Don’t worry, South Korea. You keep shipping us substandard cars and electronics and we’ll keep an eye on the border for you.
17. Abdullah Gül of Turkey – An oversized novelty certificate changing the name of his country from “Turkey” to “Tofurkey.” The times, they are a’changin’, President Gül – please try to keep up.
18. Gordon Brown of Britain – In addition to an NTSC-compatible DVD player, President Obama should really try to pick up something that can rival that pen made out of the wood from a former slave ship. Unfortunately, after looking at the prime minister, all I can think to give him would be a bunch of hair care products, ‘cause damn! His policies are decidedly 21st-century, but his hair is still stuck in the 1970s. We’ll start with some mousse to get control of that forehead swirl and then move on to gel and eyebrow trimmers later.
19. Since the United States would be the 19th member of the G20, this should be the spot where I list the gift that President Obama would be presenting to the 20th member of the group. Unfortunately, there is no 20th member of the G20, so maybe Obama could present the group with a new member? They either need to change the name of the group to the G19 or fire off a hastily written note to –I don’t know– Belgium or someone.
I hope that these suggestions have been helpful to you, Mr. President. If you would like to thank me with a present, I’m not above you re-gifting that framed photo of the Queen to me. I have a thing for cankles.
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