Seek And Ye Shall Find Something Freaky- by Philip

One of the best things about writing a blog is that we have access to Google Analytics, which gives us some statistics about our site traffic. My favorite section of all is the one that lists what keywords the viewers were searching for when they found our blog. Suffice it to say that some people out there are seriously messed up.

Of course I'm not talking about you, Dear Reader. You have found our site because you wanted to be here and are, for some reason, interested in what my brother and I have to say. What I’m talking about are the people who enter some freaky search term and then click on our blog, only to leave immediately upon discovering that we’re not actually a Brigitte Nielsen fan site. Most of the more colorful search terms were just run-of-the-mill phrases by people looking to find something fun on the Web, such as these:

“Brenda Warner MILF” – Hey, if that’s what you want to see, you'll get no argument here.

“Fart” – This one was probably Douglas.

“Boys button hot” – I don’t think that boys actually have a hot button. Could they mean a sunburned midriff?

“Boys loud farts” – I think this is just someone trying to download sounds that they can install on someone’s computer as a practical joke. At least I hope it is.

“Dreadlock gay” – Pretty specific, but that’s what makes the world go ‘round, right?

“Get your woody serviced here” – I’m hoping this is in reference to the old slogan about station wagon repairs.

“Hot judo tattoo” – Herve Villechaize liked hot judo?

“Hot MILFs with young boy” – More power to you, dude.

“Hot young Russian boys.com” – Why not just link all those words together and enter it in your browser’s address field? I’m not going to do it, but this guy should have.

“Oprah without makeup” – Somewhere there is a man sitting in front of his computer who has turned to stone.

“Ragu corsets” – Is this a kink that I haven’t heard of yet? Maybe a very specific recipe ingredient? Seriously, anyone have any ideas on this one?

“Watchmen blue schlong” – Just go see the movie. Finding it online might be fun for you, but it’s nothing compared to seeing it on the very, very big screen.

“Yeinjee.com” – Again, why not just go to that site? And what is it about our site could have possibly brought us up in this search result? Was it the Engrish thing?

By far, the biggest category of people who found our site by accident was of those who were looking for a specific kind of breast. Check out this list of tit searches:

“Barbi twins tits”

“Bouncing tits”

“Bollywood tits”

“Black tits huge”

“Enormous tits”

“Giant tits”

“Girl with huge tits”

“Huge japan tits”

“Huge boobies”

“Lopsided tits”

“Naked girls with huge tits”

“Redhead with huge tits”

And I wish I were kidding about this but “licking dog tits”

I bet that Freud would have loved having access to all this kind of research material. In addition to all of the mammary-obsessive and fart-centric searches, a few people completely baffled me by the things they were looking for:

“What is meant when a person say ‘I am a carrot’?” – Until I read this search term, I thought that I was the only person in history who ever said, “I am a carrot,” even though I was foolishly trying to speak Japanese at the time. Maybe there’s another gaijin out there making the same mistake that I made. Hey, buddy, it’s “ningen,” not “ninjin.” Please make a note of it.

“Hood haircuts for boys with big forehead” – We’re getting into some seriously weird territory here. Still, if some poor kid out there wants to look all hood, but hasn’t been able to pull it off because of his giant forehead, it’s great to see that he’s taking the reins and trying to better himself through research. Good on ya.

But the grand prize winner, by far, would have to be:

“Sexiest gay blue film of boysto boys of school going” – Okay seriously, what the hell? I’m assuming that English is not this person’s first language, or maybe even his second or third, but that’s some undeniably freaky syntax. And speaking of “freaky,” what is this guy actually looking for? Gay students going somewhere together, perhaps in a top-secret “boysto” device? Did he just run out of room in the search field? Whatever it is, I hope this guy finds what he’s looking for online, and not in his neighborhood. Or mine.

Despite how this post might come across, I’m actually a huge fan of internet porn. I’m admittedly not a big consumer of it, myself, but I think that online pornography has done more to stop sexual crimes than just about anything in human history. The more that you tell people that they shouldn’t feel the way they do and shouldn’t do the things that they want to do, the more those people will want to do it, and the worse they’ll feel about themselves for having that predilection in the first place. Just one internet search will show you that you aren’t the only person in the world who likes wearing a bra on your head while sitting naked on a rocking horse covered in whipped cream. Not only do you have friends online, but you can also satisfy your cravings in the comfort of your own home without the slightest need to involve an unwilling participant. I can just about guarantee you that John Wayne Gacy’s crawl space would have remained nice and empty if he'd had access to Google.

But that’s not the real point of this post. The real point is to list all of those kinky search terms again so that the people who wanted to find them in the first place will find our site again and give it a second look. Stay longer than 4 seconds this time and you might find something that you like. Until then, keep letting your freak flags fly. Online, at least.