You know who you are. And you know what you’re doing. Once the kids are in their beds, producing plaque at rates rivalling Tribbles, you’ll casually stroll over to their Easter baskets. Is that a Baby Ruth mini I see? No? Dammit, who left the wrapper in there? Hmm, nothing good in this one. Aha, there’s a Krackle! You shove it noisily into your mouth and scour the remains to see that…ALL THE CHOCOLATE IS GONE!!!
Well, there’s just one thing left to do then – it’s time to get this crap off the kitchen counter. So you bring the candy to the office to share with your co-workers. “Oh how nice!” we internally exclaim as we see the bucket with the little bucktoothed rabbit on it. “Someone must have brought in their extra Easter candy!”
But our collective hopes sag like hapless cougar as a quick glance inside the orthodontically-challenged bucket reveals four root beer Dum Dums and seven watermelon Jolly Ranchers. You bastard! You’re probably at your desk right now giving yourself an imaginary pat on the back and trying to figure out how to claim this on your taxes.
“Hey, help yourself to that candy!” Mr. Assmunch says as he takes the last cup of coffee and returns the empty carafe to the warmer.
“Oh, you brought that, did you? Must have been a slow Easter at the Assmunch house this year.”
“What do you mean?” he rebuts with some poorly-rehearsed gesture/expression-of-innocence combo. “I saw a couple of Mr. Goodbars down there. You just have to dig a little.” He hastily beats his retreat. This guy will be first in line at the Thanksgiving Potluck, eyeballing your famous sweet potato casserole.
“Did you bring your yams?” he’ll ask, barely intelligible due to the rapidly pooling saliva.
“Sure did. What did you bring?”
“Those,” he’ll respond, pointing to a bag containing twenty cups. Your office has thirty people.
“Ooh, are those store brand eight-ouncers? Nice choice.” Assmunch.
6 comments:
Assmunch will get what's coming to him when he chokes on them candies!
Death by Dum Dum. I like it.
Dum Dums and Jolly Ranchers make the resurrected Jesus cry.
I'm a closet watermelon jolly rancher fan. Does that make me an assmunch?
Don't answer that.
Shawn - Tell me about it! Hard candy is the sweet of the devil.
Kirsten - We've decided to give you a dispensation since you gave us an award. But we do not speak of this again.
i sit next to the fat lady who has the candy jar 24/7 filled next to her. her main mission - get everyone else as fat as her. I hope she chokes on her chocolate kisses and jolly ranchers.
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