Self Unaware Part 2 - by Douglas

This is the second of a three-part series about adults who are self-unaware resulting in the irritation of one of three senses - Sight, Smell, or Hearing. Today’s topic is Smell.



Let’s just tackle the big one head-on. Your breath. In my experience as a person with a nose, I have found that people lack the ability to smell their own breath. If they could, some of them would have long ago suffocated or flung themselves headlong into some large body of water, sporting their favorite concrete leggings. There is a substantial difference between these people’s breath and your run-of-the-mill bad breath from lunchtime pizza or late afternoon stale coffee (but you guys should keep gum and mints at the ready too). This whole different level of halitosis is caused by poor oral hygiene practices. It’s the difference between the smell of someone who, after a couple of cucumber finger sandwiches, emits a vegetative little burp, versus the smell of someone who died three weeks ago from gangrene caused by his inability to wipe himself.

Now, I assume you’re all brushing your teeth regularlyish so my advice is this – floss. There are no reasons you can give for not flossing which outweigh the reasons to floss – namely, oral health and not annoying me. Plus, you do not want to run the risk of your significant other throwing up in your mouth during intimate moments. Bad for everyone involved.

And the pendulum swings back to those of you who stink for the complete opposite reason – you wear too damn much perfume or cologne. What must you smell like without that stuff? I guess it’s really bad but jeez! So bad that you have to order your Drakkar by the keg? Rule of thumb - if you’re spritzing more than twice, you’re wearing too much. And you know you are spritzing WAY more than twice. There are people I work with who leave their artificial smells in a wake behind them that must embed itself into the paint. And those bastards at Axe aren’t helping. Their commercials are making some of our homeliest men actually believe that if they apply enough of these scented toilet waters, the Pepperdine women’s volleyball team will involuntarily rape them in the parking lot. People, less is more.

And let’s swing that pendulum back one more time. You stink all on your own, for any number of reasons, and it’s up to you to figure out why. Yeah sure, people fart and maybe their clothes will smell like seared dumb beast flesh after eating at the barbecue joint, but that’s not what I’m talking about. EVERYTHING between your hamstrings and your belly button (inclusive) is likely to produce odors. Why they don’t make all undergarments out of activated charcoal is beyond me. But they don’t, so keep an eye on it. No, keep a nose on it. And feet are supposed to stink so double knot those laces and keep them to your damn self. Armpits are also supposed to stink. God in his infinite wisdom made them that way but he also gave us soap and deodorant. Are you saying you’re smarter than God? Or maybe you’re just dumber than Matthew McConaughey?

OK, those are the big ones but there are others too numerous to mention. In summary, no one wants to be the clueless stenchbag that everyone else is calling “Señor Stinky Britches.” Check yourself. Again, this is tough love and not easy for me to say. What with the love and all. Floss. Deodorize. Repeat. Up next – Sight.

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