Friday The 13th - by Douglas

OK, OK, just nobody panic. For the second month in a row, the 13th falls on a Friday. I’m not sure what we’ve done to anger the gods but…oh crap!!! I just realized that there will be another Friday the 13th in November!!! I can’t recall in my lifetime ever having three Friday the 13ths in one year! People, we are screwed.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. OK, do you own or live near a cat that is solid black? Some spots are OK but solid isn’t. You do? We can handle that. If the cat is yours, you need to kill it. Wait, wait, you don’t have to kill it. Maybe just lock it in a room until Saturday with no access to windows or air ducts or any possible avenue of escape. I don’t care how much it meows or claws at your favorite throw pillows, do NOT let it out! If the cat belongs to your neighbor it is OK to kill it but you only have a few hours until the 13th and we wouldn’t want a mercy killing to turn into a sacrifice, now would we?

All right - ladders. Are you doing any painting or remodeling of any kind? Do you walk anywhere that someone might be painting or remodeling? Forget that, just stop walking until Saturday. You can NOT run the risk of walking under a ladder. Yes, that includes fire escapes! Use your head, man! No, I don’t care if you have a burnt light bulb that you can’t reach! You will remain ladder-free for the next 48 hours!

So…I suppose you’ve already taken care of the mirrors? You haven’t taken care of the mirrors? Why not just slap a bumper sticker on the hybrid saying, “Honk if you have a bifurcated tail!” Or “I heart the cloven-hoofed underlord!” I mean seriously! Get to Home Depot right now and buy a giant roll of bubblewrap and start covering those mirrors! They aren’t gonna break on my watch!

Now this last one is a little non-traditional but may be the most important. Do you have access to a freshly-dug grave? No, not the one you just made for your neighbor’s cat – it has to be a human grave. Why? Because the Dark One can’t cross over it to enter your house when you’ve sprinkled fresh grave dirt in front of your door. I mean, what do they teach you in school these days? How to enjoy the eternal smell of sulfur? How to decorate using only lava and brimstone? Just find a grave, man! Put the dirt in a paper (not plastic!) bag and cover your threshold!

OK, now that we’ve gotten all that taken care of, we might as well start planning for November 13th. The trifecta! No, I know it’s not a joking matter. I’m sorry. Now…do you have a particular child that maybe isn’t your favorite?
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