Trillion-Dollar Counterpoint - by Philip

Douglas, you ignorant economist.

Let me start this reply to Douglas’s last post by saying that I actually did once write down everything that I know about economics on a Juicy Fruit wrapper and still had enough room left over to include everything that I know about pleasing a woman. So there! This is why I am confused about the previous post from my twin, who is challenging my belief in a genetic basis for intelligence.

Douglas’s basic premise is that it’s a bad thing to borrow money in order to pay for programs that are designed to stimulate our economy. Wrong! (I love saying that. Here, I’ll do it again… Wrong!) This is the entire premise behind taking out student loans in order to pay for college. But using my logic-challenged twin’s reasoning, only the youngsters who have enough cash up front should ever get a degree. (Note that I'm ignoring the fact that this is pretty much how it works already.) That would force 90% of our young people to work at McDonald’s or to become crack whores, both of which are sounding more and more like viable career paths every day. Sure, a very specific strand of our economy would get a huge boost, but since we will have far fewer doctors because no one can afford med school any more, who will be there to pump us full of antibiotics and perform all of the dialysis that we’re going to need?

Let me state for the record that I am almost as fiscally conservative as my brother and think that carrying a credit card balance should be added to the list of deadly sins right between lust and sloth. (My two favorites!) If you can’t pay for something that you want in cash, then you shouldn’t buy it. However, this rule does not apply to investments that will generate positive revenue or to web sites that cater to gentlemen’s entertainment. While no one knows for sure if the current stimulus package will actually generate enough revenue to pay for itself over time, that is its goal and I am as happy with it as anyone can be about a plan that requires us to borrow a trillion damn dollars.

You knew there was a caveat coming, so here it is: As people who read this blog may know, I am a big believer that the proof is in the pudding. Sure, this is mainly because I have an inordinate appreciation for pudding, but it’s also because I think that one’s beliefs and actions should focus on results. With that in mind, I should reveal that Douglas is definitely the most financially secure member of our family, so it’s hard to argue with his results.

But thankfully I’m a liberal, so I am easily able to perform the mental gymnastics required to turn my less favorable results into smug righteousness. “I could have made more money, but I was too busy volunteering to save the endangered Sonoran titmouse.“ (Pause for Douglas’s giggling.) There is no better argument for being a liberal than the constant assurance that I’m always right. Ahh, sweet smugness, you never let me down.

But seriously, President Obama, don’t preempt House again. It might convince me to start supporting the party that never has news conferences.