Putting Liberalism To The Test - by Philip

As you know, America is shifting gears right now from a conservative government to a much more liberal one. The new administration has already extended health care to poor children, started giving money to planned parenthood organizations, and, as I write this, the Senate is debating President Obama’s enormous stimulus package. No, that wasn’t a euphemism, you sick bastard. Okay, what was I talking about again? Oh right, President Obama's big, throbbing stimulus package. Let’s see, massive infrastructure investment – check. Tax cuts to the lower and middle class – check. Free patchouli oil for white guys with dreadlocks – okay, they didn’t go that far yet, but it’s just a matter of time. The point is that the condom is now hitting the road for the democratic party, so we are soon going to start seeing the actual results of these liberal policies.

But the problem that concerns me much more than any of these social programs is that my own liberal policies are about to be put to the test. No, I’m not working on a modernized energy grid or the computerization of our nation’s medical records. The challenge I have is much more daunting – my older daughter just turned 15.

Up until now, it’s been easy for me to toss around party line slogans like, “Of course there should be condom bowls in every school nurse’s office,” or, “If no one has ever died of a marijuana overdose, then why is it against the law when tobacco and alcohol are perfectly legal?” Most people who have moved from Louisiana to California did so because they accidentally said something like this in front of a church deacon. But now that my daughter is at the age where she is being exposed to sex, drugs and –dare I say it– the rock and roll music, I have to ask myself if I still believe in those ideals now that they’re no longer just theoretical.

I do have some evidence that I’m continuing to take a liberal attitude toward child rearing, even though the consequences of mistakes have now gone from skinned knees and hurt feelings to drug addiction and teen pregnancy. A friend of mine recently called me in hysterics to say that her 15-year-old daughter had just had sex with her boyfriend. My initial reaction was, “And...?” That proceeded to, “Wow, I can’t believe that she actually told you about it. How cool is that?” But she wouldn’t hear any of it. My friend and her daughter had an agreement that she would wait a bit longer and the teenager ended up reneging on that promise. Raging hormones tend to override rational thought in kids that age. You know, age 12-95.

While I wasn't at all disturbed to hear about my friend's daughter having sex, I doubt that I would have been so nonchalant if the 15-year-old in that story had been my own daughter. In the interest of full disclosure, I did put off my daughter’s Gardasil shot until just last week, even though I could have set up an appointment years ago. I wasn’t purposefully delaying this HPV and STD-fighting vaccination that requires three shots over a six-month period, but I also didn’t camp out at the doctor's office to be first in line like it was a Jonas Brother's concert.

Now that my daughter has had shot #1, she will be medically cleared to start having sex in a disturbingly short 5 months and 24 days. It would have been 10 years, 5 months and 24 days, but a certain Mr. Andrew Jackson wasn't able to convince the doctor to bend the truth a little. Stupid Hippocratic oath. The point is that, inadvertently or not, I delayed this milestone for my daughter by a bit longer than it might have otherwise happened. I hope.

I bring this same "do as I say" attitude into any conversations about drug use. I do think that some drugs should be legalized, but I strongly discourage my daughter from using any of them, even though she goes to an art school. At that school, smoking marijuana and dropping acid are the only sure-fire ways to bring up your mid-terms by a full grade point. “I like this color scheme, Starshine, but can you tell me why the subject of your painting is an empty Funyuns bag?”

Overall, it seems like I am maintaining my liberal values, but when it comes to my own children, I do try to strike a healthy balance between personal freedom and personal responsibility. Note that this is actually a very conservative viewpoint here in San Francisco where I routinely hear parents scolding their children by saying things like, “Young lady, I told you that bustier doesn't go with your Nehru chaps. Now march back upstairs and change into that adorable little leather corset that I got you for your bat mitzvah, or so help me, you will not be going to the Henderson’s orgy this weekend.” Okay, that actually doesn’t ever happen here in San Francisco, but we do have an image to maintain.

So while it would seem that I am still firmly in the liberal column, it’s good to do a bit of self-reflection every now and again to make sure that my actions still represent my personal values. It’s also good to examine those values and actions to make sure that they are actually generating positive results, rather than spending the last eight years making exclusively gut decisions and never once considering the possibility that I could have made any mistakes. You know, for example.

So while I am very much in favor of the first few pieces of legislation that the Obama administration has proposed, I'm also hoping that they contain milestones and deadlines that can be checked to make sure that they are generating the intended results. Likewise, even though my daughters seem to be healthy, well-adjusted young ladies right now, I’m hoping that I will recognize any warning signs that tell me when it's time to revisit my "curfews are for losers" policy. This is why it was reassuring this morning when my daughter said, “It’s so annoying to be around kids who have strict parents. They’re always looking around like they're all worried that they’re going to make a mistake.” Now if she had said that while injecting heroin, we would need to have a talk.