The Oscars - by Douglas

If there’s anything I can’t stand it’s when Hollywood types use the Oscars as a platform for spouting off their political views. So my eyes were rolling like a rotisserie chicken when Kate Winslet walked up to accept her award for best actress. “Here we go again!” I grumbled towards my wife. “Hollywood pushing their Nazi statutory rape agenda on us... AGAIN!”



Lots of other fun stuff happened at the Oscars this year. Here is a sampling:

1. Seeing Mickey Rourke sitting in the Kodak Theater has taught us all a very valuable lesson – Do NOT piss off your plastic surgeon.


2. Sean Penn called me a commie, homo-loving son of a gun. It’s like he sees into my very soul.


3. People keep pointing cameras at Miley Cyrus. On purpose. There are some things I am not meant to understand.


4. I’m shallow. I know that. But Anne Hathaway has some enormous chiclets. I bet corn on the cob runs screaming when she walks into a room.


5. I was amazed at Christian Bale losing so much weight when he starred in The Machinist. But he has nothing on Brad Pitt in Benjamin Button. Dude was straight up scrawny, yo.


6. Danny Boyle has given hope to waterhead babies all over the world.


7. Woody Allen’s movie Vicky Christina Barcelona is about Penelope Cruz cheating on her husband with Scarlett Johansson. Woody…such an aptly named man. I think his next movie will star Jessica Biel as a mud wrestler who falls in love with her arch rival Lucy Liu. Yes, I did say Lucy Liu because she’s Asian.


8. Joaquin Phoenix became a punchline almost as fast as Pee Wee Herman. “Bye! good,” Joaquin.


9. Heath Ledger - nah, I’m leaving that alone.


10. Kate Winslet’s Dad sure can whistle. And that hat! I guess I’d wear a wide-brimmed hat low on my head too if my daughter made a living simulating sex with teenaged boys. I don’t mind so much when his daughter does it though.

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