I Want To Be An Old Fart: Part 1 - by Philip

In the past month, I’ve become aware of a disturbing new trend in my neighborhood. It first occurred at the post office, then in the grocery store and finally when I was just walking down the street. What is this horrible trend that has been cropping up with increasing frequency all around me? At each of the above locations, an elderly person right next to me let rip with a gigantic fart.

Before you ask, yes, I’m absolutely sure that each of these people actually farted. I’m not talking about a teensy little indiscretion that might easily be mistaken for a shoe dragging across the ground or the subtle tugging of skin on naugahyde. No, each of these gaseous expulsions was powerful enough to set off San Francisco’s Emergency Broadcast System and the one in the post office could have triggered tsunami alerts in Borneo.

The interesting part is that not one of these senior citizens who were unabashedly decimating our ozone layer even muttered a simple, “excuse me” or “sorry” or “What is the fire department doing here?” They just went about their business as if that entire display of creamed corn was already strewn across the canned goods aisle when they got here. “Hmm? The Ford Exposition lying on its side behind me engulfed in flames? No, I can’t say that I noticed it, why?” So while all of the Lakeside postal patrons scrambled out into the fresh air, dousing their melting eyeballs with Costco-sized jugs of Visine, I could only think one thing: I can’t wait until I’m old enough to fart in public.

Whenever I want to break public wind, it requires an exhausting amount of preparation. First, I have to make sure that there isn’t anyone over the age of 5 in the direct line of fire. (No one ever believes 5-year-olds.) Then I have to relax my butt cheeks just enough to minimize the chances of that “braaping” noise. Next, I cough loudly at the precise moment of release to mask any sounds that might escape. Then, after the deed is done, I rub my shoes together a few times to approximate a farting noise so that anyone nearby would naturally assume that my wayward footwear was responsible for any sounds they may have heard. “I think somebody farted, but it clearly wasn’t that man-cricket with hayfever.”

Having covered my bases so thoroughly, I naturally assume that no one has ever suspected me of whatever that smell is that's wafting around the auditorium at my daughter’s dance recital. I’m just as certain of this as Bill Laimbeer is of the fact that he never committed a single personal foul throughout his entire NBA career. Still, as one final defensive measure, when the aroma is undeniably rising around me like my own personal mushroom cloud, I use the final ace up my sleeve: I raise a hand to my nose and glare accusingly at the person next to me. How dare they do something so unseemly right in the middle of Mark Rosenblum’s Bar Mitzvah? Some people!

See all the trouble that discerning gas passers have to go through just to maintain an acceptable level of social decorum? For those of you who think that I should just wait until after the web site redesign meeting to blow my butt trumpet, you clearly don’t understand how the human body works. First of all, the average person farts a minimum of 10-16 times per day. Except for women, who never fart at all. But far more importantly, everyone knows that if you hold in a fart too long, your eyes will bulge out until your head explodes. That’s what happened to Marty Feldman.

This is why I can’t wait to get old. When all of the seniors that I mentioned above floated their respective air biscuits, no angry mobs descended on them demanding retribution. People just seemed to adopt an attitude of, “They can’t help it. They’re old.” Hell, when babies do it, people even think it’s cute. But those of us stuck in the middle just have to struggle to hold our gas inside like human Hindenburgs. Thankfully, I have tangible proof that I am rapidly approaching the age at which I can once again fart in public with abandon. Check back for the conclusion of this article tomorrow to find out why.