Counter Point: Putting Liberalism To The Test - by Douglas

Philip, you ignorant slut.

I’m no party-line republican. Like most people with ingrained values, a little education, and the sense God gave a dingleberry, I find myself aligned with part of the republican platform and part of the democrat platform. But at the end of the day it’s fair to call me a conservative. That is but one reason that I will not be discussing the personal aspects of my daughter’s social life in this blog. The main reason is, of course, that she would kill me in my sleep.

But I am willing to divulge this much – my daughter does not do drugs, does not have any STDs, and has never, to the best of my recollection, given birth. Also, my daughter is 18, not 15, so whatever we’re doing is working, and we’ve gotten past the rough patch Philip is about to endure. (must…stifle...giggle…) The reason she is not surrounded by wailing, underweight crack babies is not because I left condoms under her pillow in place of her baby teeth. Fortunately for me, it is mostly due to the fact that she was born far more responsible than most adults, including the ones in her home. In fact, we could not determine her gender by the ultrasound because, no matter which angle the technician tried, she wouldn’t open her legs. That’s my girl! But even though we have been extremely lucky with her, we have also been very diligent about drilling common sense into her brains.

When that little voice in her head says she should stop and think about what she’s doing, I want it to sound an awful lot like me. “Hmm…this dark road isn’t the way to the movies. Better get out your icepick,” my voice would calmly whisper. Or maybe, by rote, “He tries for second base, I have to use my mace.” And hopefully we won’t have to move on to, “I wonder which arm Daddy’s gonna saw off first before he buries this guy in five different cities so the police will think a satan-worshipper did this to him?” This little voice can help a girl, and her father, out of a lot of difficult situations. And Lord knows the police are already spread too thin to work a justifiable homicide with five crime scenes. Little punk wants to take advantage of my baby AND waste taxpayer dollars? Not on my watch, Bubba.

And I’m perfectly willing to use negative reinforcement when called for. She’s past the age for corporal punishment but there are other methods for encouraging proper behavior. Ask a teenaged girl if she’d rather lose the big toe off her right foot or not have Facebook for a week. The answer might surprise you. Hell, I purposefully got her hooked on Tetris so taking her cell phone would hurt that much more. I didn’t want to, but she will eventually thank me that I did. Maybe not in so many words but I bet one day I’ll get that phone call that every parent dreams of - “Daddy, it’s me. Some boy just tried to get fresh with your granddaughter. Do you still have that map with the five cities in the shape of a pentagram?” Choking back tears of pride as I grab my shovel I’ll say, “I’ll be right there, honey. I’ll be right there.”