Appellation Pre-Destination - by Douglas

An alert reader pointed us to an article theorizing that a person’s name is likely to affect the course of that person’s life. Big ups to Gaines R. for sending that in. I don’t want to give away his identity in case he wishes to remain private so thanks again G. Richardson. Sorry, I should say Dr. Gaines R. of the Wisconsin Richardsons.

The article, from Time magazine, asserts that you are more likely to have troubles (ranging from school discipline to unemployment to incarceration) if you have a less popular name. Johns, Michaels and Davids are walking the street unmolested, fully employed, and with scrapbooks brimming over with high school perfect attendance records and honor roll certificates. Whereas Ernests, Prestons, Malcolms and Tyrells, are more likely to be standing in police lineups with the officer asking them to step forward, poke a finger menacingly in their jacket pocket, while repeating the line, “Gimme all your cash and Marlboros or I‘m gonna send you back to Saudistan in a body bag!”

Now, if there was ever a controlled environment for invented baby names, it’s Hollywood. Lady Liberty may have asked for your tired and poor but Queen Hollywood beckons for your goofy and unpronounceable. And at the risk of shooting fish in a barrel, I offer you this recent clip of the unfortunately monikered Joaquin Phoenix on Late Night With David Letterman.




What a blithering little doofus he has become. But is it his fault? Was he predestined from birth to appear on a late night talk show, preferring to smell his own beard rather than answer the simple questions lobbed at him by David Letterman? I say yes and I offer these predictions for other Hollywood babies who have been encumbered by previously unthinkable appellatives.

Apple Martin, daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin, will break away from her partner in the middle of a routine on Dancing With The Children of Stars season 16 and violently dryhump Mario Lopez’s leg.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz, son of Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz and the currently-though-unlikely-more-attractive-Simpson-sister Ashley Simpson, will use the latest aesthetic cloning techniques to have ears grown over 70 percent of his body.

Prince Michael Jackson, son of Michael Jackson and some fertile donor lady, will die in a tragic fall while attempting carnal relations with his pet giraffe.

I really, really wish I were making up the fact that Dan Cortese named his son Tabooger. As though Dan had the celebrity to pull that off! Poor little Tabooger’s crime will hopefully be the slow, torturous murder of his idiot parents. It will probably just be shoplifting for drug money but a guy can dream.

So, pregnant celebrities be warned! You are about to make a very fateful decision for your child so do NOT screw it up. For example, Tiger Woods, you and your lovely wife should not consider naming your upcoming bundle of joy "One" or "Three", no matter how golf-punny it may be. And please, please, please avoid "Overtheriverandthroughthe." He/she will thank you for it some day. And not from a phone behind prison glass.