You Are A Filthy Liar - by Philip

Unlike my obsessive brother, I am not a big fanatic of Lost or any other TV show. Except for House. And also The Office. And maybe 30 Rock and My Name Is Earl. And don't forget the now-canceled Pushing Daisies. Heroes is pretty good too. So are Big Love, True Blood, Entourage and Dexter. Can't forget The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and The Rachel Maddow Show. But other than those few programs, I don't obsess about TV shows the way my brother does with Lost. Oh, and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Psych, but seriously that's it.

The point is that I wasn't glued to my TV screen tonight watching Lost while my children set fire to my collection of Anne Murray albums. I mean Playboys or some other stack of manly items. To be fair, I was overseas when Lost began and it looked too complicated to try and get into it beginning with the second season. Going out to buy the first-season DVD would have required an effort, so I just decided to keep that hour of my weeknight schedule clear.

Well, my lack of effort has finally paid off because I got to see the hottest new show of the season tonight – Lie To Me. After watching the series premiere tonight, I have only one thing to say: It must be stopped now. This show is all about detecting the subtle clues that give away when people are lying. This will ruin everything! Dr. Paul Elkman, the inspiration for this new show, has said that the average person lies three times in every ten minutes of conversation. If that's true (and if Mr. Elkman had been talking for more than 3 minutes and 20 seconds when he said this, there's a good chance that it isn't), then all of humanity is in a huge amount of trouble. What if everyone who watches this show learns how to tell when people are lying? Then they'll know that I actually didn't get to second base with Lisa Turnbaum in the 8th grade and that yes, that skirt does make you look fat.

This simply won't do. Lying is not only one of the most basic tenets of humanity, but it's perhaps the highest expression of our evolution as a species. Do other animals intentionally mislead each other? Well, yes, some do, but they aren't nearly as good at it as we are. Forget about opposable thumbs, making our Aunt Rita believe that we actually do love the fuzzy Christmas sweater that she hand-knitted for us is what actually separates us from chimps and voles. That, and they tend not to knit.

Many police investigators have complained about what they call the "C.S.I. Effect" that the popular TV show (and its two lame spinoffs) has had on their efforts to apprehend criminals. Since so many people are watching these annoyingly ubiquitous forensics shows, they all know that they have to wear shoes that are 2 sizes too large to the crime scene, burn all of their clothing afterward and always, always dispose of the body in a vat of acid. See how easy crime can be, kids? Now imagine the effect that this liar show will have when the victims are not just the criminal investigators of the world, but ALL OF HUMANITY ITSELF!!

Everyone lies. Hell, I've made half of this stuff up already and I intend to make up lots more stuff before the end of this post. Even when people aren't lying, they're often actively misleading and intentionally omitting some things. Think about the last conversation you had. Were you 100% honest about every single thing you said? Did you tell someone that her baby looks cute when it really looks like Winston Churchill? Did you tell the story about Billie Joe from Green Day spilling an entire triple-foam latte on your shoes at the Oakland Airport, even though that actually happened to your friend Keith? Did you fart and blame it on someone else... again? Seriously, Ryan, you need to stop doing that. If everyone can tell when you're lying, what would happen? The end of life as we know it, that's what!

That's why "Lie To Me" must be stopped. After just one episode, I already know about the grimace, the sneer, the look to the left, the hand over the eyes, the finger on the nose and the single shoulder shrug. I'm now feeling much more able to spot lies, which is not a good thing. I don't want to know when people are lying to me and I especially don't want them to know when I'm lying to them. Once everyone knows how to spot lies, I'm going to have to start limiting all of my conversations to less than 3 minutes and 20 seconds, or I'm going to have to start being honest all the time. No more little white lies to smooth out socially awkward situations or to stop your girlfriend from finding out that you may have had sex with her sister after that John Legend concert. Is that the kind of world that you want to live in? Be honest... for once.

Oh, and Family Guy. How could I forget about Family Guy?