To All Deess Girl I Loave Befores - by Douglas

The following conversation most likely did not take place between Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesias as they joined musical forces in 1984 to create “To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before”. Willie and his agent greet Julio in an executive studio. Julio kisses the agent’s hand slowly and with great effect, then shakes Willie’s hand, leaving a smudge of spray tan that Willie can’t seem to wipe off.

Julio – Haylo, my frienss. We will write the love song, yes? Nobodies sees this coming but it will be the hit, no?
Willie – Hell yeah, Pepe LePew! I can knock this one out in my gat-damn sleep!
Julio – LePew? I am Esspanish, not French.
Willie – Whatever. A frog’s a frog, am I right? So here’s what I’m thinking…
Julio – Did something just move in joo beards?
Willie – You do not want to make eye contact, Hoss. I don’t know what that is but it opened up a can on Hank Jr. last week. So lookit, I think we ought to go cutting edge with this song. Just make it a whole boobie ballad thing.
Julio – Frogs? Boobies? This is the mistakes. I should nevers have thought joo could write the song sophisticated enough for the womens.
Willie – Sophisticated? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Agent - It means complex and intellectually appealing.
Willie - Oh.
Agent – Now gentlemen, I’m sure…
Julio turns on her with an intense stare and orders, “Joo looks into my eyess!” The agent looks into his eyes then puddles to the floor where she writhes and purrs.
Julio – (wheeling back on Willie dramatically) This is but one examples! I unnerstanss the womens. I celebrate the womens. I can tell joo the stories, my frienss. I have made the love on the stage of the Sydney Opera House and drank the champagnes out of the button bellies of the twins unnarwears models.
Willie – Well good for you snail breath! I once snorted a whole friggin' 8 ball out of a hooker's butt hole.
Julio – Maybe joo should stop making sexes with the goats long enough to read the books! Maybe then joo knows the difference between the France and Esspanya! I knows better than to work with the crazies like joo!
Willie – Crazy? Bitch, you don’t know the half! Hell, I wrote Crazy!
Julio – (softer, amazed) Joo…joo write the crazies? The Patsy Clines Crazies? I am loving the Patsy Clines Crazies. I beds many womens with this song. My frienss, we will write the song togethers.
Willie – You got it, French fry. Hell, I just about got this knocked out in the crapper before I come in here. (Pulls some toilet paper from his pocket and looks at writing on it). I got one little problem though. I can’t think up a word to rhyme with “Budweiser”.
Julio – I thinks about this. (Pause) Oh jess. Joo says, “Budweiser…sodomize her”.
Willie – Hell fire, Perrier! (scribbling on the toilet paper) I think we got us a winner! (gets up and drops toilet paper on still-writhing agent) Run this upstairs and tell the boys to put some keyboard under it. Me and Hula Hoop here’s gonna go do tequila shots til they’re ready for us.