Superb Owl - by Douglas

Bill Gates is the King of All Nerds. Give me a second to come back off that limb. But just in case we’re not on the same page, I will offer this one more piece of evidence. I sent an email to a friend about the Superbowl this weekend but Microsoft Outlook was having none of it. The spellchecker popped up a warning that “Superbowl” isn’t a word. Well isn’t that just perfect? It did offer the helpful suggestion of changing “Superbowl” to “superb owl.” Software written by computer nerds for the biggest computer nerd ever doesn’t know what the Superbowl is but they readily know what a superb owl is? If you’ve seen Bill Gates with his glasses on you may justifiably conjure up images of a superb owl. In fact the resemblance to an advertisement from my childhood is uncanny. A one… a twohoooo…a three. A three.

For the rest of us men whose testosterone is in the range scientifically referred to as “measurable”, we are looking forward to the yearly tradition that is the Superbowl. (Bill, that’s a football game. Oh, sorry, a football is an oblong ball that you…sorry, a ball is …). Anyway, this weekend is the big game that we football fans have been waiting for all year. You know, the game between that one team and, um, that other team. Wait, don’t tell me. I think maybe the Steelers? Yeah, I just googled and they’re playing the Cardinals. At the beginning of the season I would have bet one of my favorite arms that the Cardinals wouldn’t make it to the Superbowl. I’m afraid the only reason to be on the edge of your seat this year is if the back of your seat is on fire.

The only thing I’m looking forward to this year is seeing Kurt Warner’s wife Brenda in the stands. Years gone by she has been a great source of amusement with her enthusiastic spiky gray haircut that looked abrasive enough to be hawked by Billy Mays as the perfect tool for getting off baked-on stains. What’s that? Brenda Warner is a babe now? The woman who would have looked perfectly at home in a burlap sack bounding purposefully across the finish line at the “Johnny Has Two Mommies” picnic, now has long blond hair and…I don’t want to start any rumors here…but perhaps more chestly attributes than before? If that’s true it would mark the first time in my life that I’ve been disappointed by large breasts.

I'm sorry…I promised myself I wouldn’t cry…