I'm sorry to say that this will be our last blog post for at least the foreseeable future. Douglas's office brought the hammer down on internet use at work and he can't afford the time to do this completely at home. Turns out they don't like it when employees spend 7.5 out of every 8 work hours coming up with captions and top 5 lists. Slavedrivers! So unfortunately, this means that we're going to have to make a clean break of the blog. The Betty Ford Clinic says that's the best way to do it and we never stop asking ourselves, "What would Betty Ford do?"
This sucks because we have really enjoyed writing this blog and meeting some of the funniest people with internet access. Ah well. We'll still hang around and read you guys when we can. And we'll miss you when we don't. Keep up the great work!
XXOO,
Philip & Douglas
Wanna read more?
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Caption Winners - 7/20/09
Why yes, I did have a lovely time at the beach, thanks for asking. I even remember most of it, which is not exactly my style. Must be getting old. But enough about me, let's talk about you and your captions.
Our first picture from last week was of a perturbed Jessica Simpson who had just been dumped by Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo. We voted and ranked and re-voted and re-ranked but to no avail. We have our first tie. The first winner is Waltsense with:
"Maybe I should of played with his balls more. I know TO always played with his balls and he really liked him."
Walt went all carnal on our asses. And we liked it. Our second winner is Chris with:
"All this time and he never even took me to his rib restaurant."
Chris, you had us at ribs.
Our second picture was of Shaquille O'Neal with some monks or some damn thing. We had no trouble picking a winner on this one despite many quality entries. Moooooog, come on down. Again.
"Without Chris Tucker, this new 'Rush Hour' movie is gonna really suck."
Congratulations winners. Here is your well-earned award.
Wanna read more?
Our first picture from last week was of a perturbed Jessica Simpson who had just been dumped by Dallas Cowboy quarterback Tony Romo. We voted and ranked and re-voted and re-ranked but to no avail. We have our first tie. The first winner is Waltsense with:
"Maybe I should of played with his balls more. I know TO always played with his balls and he really liked him."
Walt went all carnal on our asses. And we liked it. Our second winner is Chris with:
"All this time and he never even took me to his rib restaurant."
Chris, you had us at ribs.
Our second picture was of Shaquille O'Neal with some monks or some damn thing. We had no trouble picking a winner on this one despite many quality entries. Moooooog, come on down. Again.
"Without Chris Tucker, this new 'Rush Hour' movie is gonna really suck."
Congratulations winners. Here is your well-earned award.
Wanna read more?
Thursday, July 16, 2009
5 Photo Captions - Shaq
What's wrong with Chinese monks? Seriously, what are they thinking? The guys down at the Henan Province Shaolin Temple are going along just fine for, like, 2000 years or something, and then they have to go and invite Shaquille O'Neal to hang out with them. Why would they do that? And why would Shaq want to go? Oh, we know the answer, people, we just want to see what you think the answer is.
Douglas's list:
1. When the US team plays the Tibetan National Team, they usually just send one player.
2. "OK little Buddha man, I caught the fly, now teach me that secret crane move."
3. Shaq was finally turning to higher powers for help with his free throws.
4. "I'm happy to be in Cleveland and everything but damn I thought LeBron would be taller."
5. A diplomatic crisis was narrowly averted after Shaq asked the monk who he had to screw to get some damn dumplings up in this bitch.
Philip's list:
1. Shaquille O’Neal tries not to laugh while meeting the new center of Nepal’s fledgling basketball team.
2. “You give us Yao Ming back and we will return Mr. O'Neal to you unharmed. No? No deal? Dammit, I told you we should have taken LeBron!"
3. Shaq always shows respect when he knows that he’s been out-blinged.
4. After negotiations with the Cavaliers collapsed, Shaquille O’Neal decided to join the South China Golden Turtles League.
5. "What do you mean he's not President Obama? I've been calling him that all afternoon."
I have a confession to make... we just made all that stuff up about why Shaq went to the Chinese monastery. We have no idea what's going on here, but we're pretty sure the word "Shaq-fu" will appear somewhere in the description. If you can think of a good caption for this picture that will finally put to rest just WTF is going on, then we want to hear from you! The one we like the most or the woman with the cutest headshot will win a fabulous prize! Well, we think it's a fabulous prize.
Wanna read more?
Douglas's list:
1. When the US team plays the Tibetan National Team, they usually just send one player.
2. "OK little Buddha man, I caught the fly, now teach me that secret crane move."
3. Shaq was finally turning to higher powers for help with his free throws.
4. "I'm happy to be in Cleveland and everything but damn I thought LeBron would be taller."
5. A diplomatic crisis was narrowly averted after Shaq asked the monk who he had to screw to get some damn dumplings up in this bitch.
Philip's list:
1. Shaquille O’Neal tries not to laugh while meeting the new center of Nepal’s fledgling basketball team.
2. “You give us Yao Ming back and we will return Mr. O'Neal to you unharmed. No? No deal? Dammit, I told you we should have taken LeBron!"
3. Shaq always shows respect when he knows that he’s been out-blinged.
4. After negotiations with the Cavaliers collapsed, Shaquille O’Neal decided to join the South China Golden Turtles League.
5. "What do you mean he's not President Obama? I've been calling him that all afternoon."
I have a confession to make... we just made all that stuff up about why Shaq went to the Chinese monastery. We have no idea what's going on here, but we're pretty sure the word "Shaq-fu" will appear somewhere in the description. If you can think of a good caption for this picture that will finally put to rest just WTF is going on, then we want to hear from you! The one we like the most or the woman with the cutest headshot will win a fabulous prize! Well, we think it's a fabulous prize.
Wanna read more?
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Top 5 Other Cancelled CIA Projects
CIA director, Leon Panetta, has officially cancelled the Bush administration’s aborted mission to assassinate al-Qaeda leaders around the world because it’s, like, all illegal and stuff. Here are some of the other Bush-era CIA operations that have recently been cancelled:
Philip's list:
1. Operation Go Fetch the President Some More Pabst Blue Ribbon Right Freakin' Now Or I'll Cancel Your Funding, Bitches!
2. During those fasting days of Ramadan, keep moving back al-Qaeda members' calendars every day until they all starve. Problem solved!
3. Ended project in which Toby Keith writes songs that mindlessly whip up knee-jerk xenophobia because it was deemed "too effective."
4. Reassigned that one guy whose sole responsibility was to make sure that the President didn't pee in public.
5. Replace all of al-Qaeda's coffee with decaf and then launch Operation "Sunrise Whupass."
Douglas's list:
1. Provide all al-Qaeda members with Dish Network's NFL package. Then just walk in and shoot them on Sunday afternoon while they're eating Funyuns in the recliner.
2. Broadcast on all media that Megan Fox will sleep with anyone who renounces Islam.
3. Convince terrorists that our God gives them 73 virgins when they die. Ooh, and like a Prius or an Accord, but say it's for a limited time only.
4. Maybe, like, camels with, like, exploding humps or something. Dude, I am sooo faced right now!
5. Put bacon on all their weaponry and they won't be able to go near the stuff.
For those of you who were expecting one of us to extol on some utterly meaningless topic today, you may be wondering why we decided to write a Top 5 list instead. That's because Douglas is taking his "family" on a "vacation" and won't be available for the "rest of the week." All those quote marks don't actually mean anything, but I enjoyed putting them in there. So we're doing this list today and then our second caption of the week tomorrow and then not a damn thing until Monday.
In the mean time, if you know of any other cancelled CIA projects, by all means, please write them in the Comments section. Bon "voyage," Douglas.
Wanna read more?
Philip's list:
1. Operation Go Fetch the President Some More Pabst Blue Ribbon Right Freakin' Now Or I'll Cancel Your Funding, Bitches!
2. During those fasting days of Ramadan, keep moving back al-Qaeda members' calendars every day until they all starve. Problem solved!
3. Ended project in which Toby Keith writes songs that mindlessly whip up knee-jerk xenophobia because it was deemed "too effective."
4. Reassigned that one guy whose sole responsibility was to make sure that the President didn't pee in public.
5. Replace all of al-Qaeda's coffee with decaf and then launch Operation "Sunrise Whupass."
Douglas's list:
1. Provide all al-Qaeda members with Dish Network's NFL package. Then just walk in and shoot them on Sunday afternoon while they're eating Funyuns in the recliner.
2. Broadcast on all media that Megan Fox will sleep with anyone who renounces Islam.
3. Convince terrorists that our God gives them 73 virgins when they die. Ooh, and like a Prius or an Accord, but say it's for a limited time only.
4. Maybe, like, camels with, like, exploding humps or something. Dude, I am sooo faced right now!
5. Put bacon on all their weaponry and they won't be able to go near the stuff.
For those of you who were expecting one of us to extol on some utterly meaningless topic today, you may be wondering why we decided to write a Top 5 list instead. That's because Douglas is taking his "family" on a "vacation" and won't be available for the "rest of the week." All those quote marks don't actually mean anything, but I enjoyed putting them in there. So we're doing this list today and then our second caption of the week tomorrow and then not a damn thing until Monday.
In the mean time, if you know of any other cancelled CIA projects, by all means, please write them in the Comments section. Bon "voyage," Douglas.
Wanna read more?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
5 Photo Captions - Jessica Simpson
No doubt by now you've heard the latest tragedy to befall the celebrity world. I am, of course, speaking of Tony Romo breaking up with Jessica Simpson. I know, it's hard to talk about so soon but we're going to brave our way through.
What we here at The Dyer Boys were wondering is what exactly is going through her pretty little head right now after getting dumped? What could possibly be going through that little, vacuous, unoccupied, echo-inducing head of hers? So long as it keeps making enough boobs to strain the seams of her new bikini, we don't particularly care. But just in case you were curious, we have gone deep, deep between her ears in your stead. Cold. Soooo coooold...
Douglas's List
1) Tony...Tony...is he the tall one that's always throwing footballs to those black fellas?
2) Great, now that I'm free, the Dyer boy I want is married. I guess I'll settle for the other one.
3) I have never been so miserable in my whole life. I can't sleep, I can't eat. Weeelllll, I guess I can eat just a little.
4) All I can say is that Tony has broken my heart so bad that...oh my GOD those shoes are ADORABLE!!! Jimmy Chu? Gucci? D&G?
5) I guess I just couldn't give him everything he wanted. Like intellleck...intel..convossat..like smart talking.
Philip's List
1) Why do all the bad things happen to pretty blonde multi-millionaires?
2) Oh my God, y’all. My hair looks so awesome today. I like bacon.
3) How dare he break up with me! Just for that, I’m going to tell his parents that he lied about us being virgins.
4) How long are you supposed to wait before starting to date again after a pretend gay boyfriend breaks up with you? Is it like a week or something?
5) Oh, wait, if I just use yt + p(t)yt + q(t)y = g(t) to find the nonhomogenous differential equation, then I could just use g(t) to guess as to the form of Yp(t), leaving the coefficient undetermined. Duh!.
OK, people, pull yourselves together. Jessica needs us now and we're not going to let her down on my watch. If you know what she was thinking please enter your caption in the Comments section. She must have been thinking something, right? Right?
Wanna read more?
What we here at The Dyer Boys were wondering is what exactly is going through her pretty little head right now after getting dumped? What could possibly be going through that little, vacuous, unoccupied, echo-inducing head of hers? So long as it keeps making enough boobs to strain the seams of her new bikini, we don't particularly care. But just in case you were curious, we have gone deep, deep between her ears in your stead. Cold. Soooo coooold...
Douglas's List
1) Tony...Tony...is he the tall one that's always throwing footballs to those black fellas?
2) Great, now that I'm free, the Dyer boy I want is married. I guess I'll settle for the other one.
3) I have never been so miserable in my whole life. I can't sleep, I can't eat. Weeelllll, I guess I can eat just a little.
4) All I can say is that Tony has broken my heart so bad that...oh my GOD those shoes are ADORABLE!!! Jimmy Chu? Gucci? D&G?
5) I guess I just couldn't give him everything he wanted. Like intellleck...intel..convossat..like smart talking.
Philip's List
1) Why do all the bad things happen to pretty blonde multi-millionaires?
2) Oh my God, y’all. My hair looks so awesome today. I like bacon.
3) How dare he break up with me! Just for that, I’m going to tell his parents that he lied about us being virgins.
4) How long are you supposed to wait before starting to date again after a pretend gay boyfriend breaks up with you? Is it like a week or something?
5) Oh, wait, if I just use yt + p(t)yt + q(t)y = g(t) to find the nonhomogenous differential equation, then I could just use g(t) to guess as to the form of Yp(t), leaving the coefficient undetermined. Duh!.
OK, people, pull yourselves together. Jessica needs us now and we're not going to let her down on my watch. If you know what she was thinking please enter your caption in the Comments section. She must have been thinking something, right? Right?
Wanna read more?
Monday, July 13, 2009
Top 5 Questions For Sonia Sotomayor
Judge Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation hearings began today on Capitol Hill, with Republican's trying everything they can to prevent her appointment to the Supreme Court. Here are some of the questions they will be asking to try and trip up the nominee:
Philip's list:
1. I see here that you graduated summa cum laude from Princeton and then went on to Yale Law School, followed by helping low-income families find housing and securing insurance and hospice care for AIDS patients, all of which leads to one inescapable question: Why do you hate America?
2. One of the requirements for entering the Supreme Court is that you must run around the Capitol Building in under two minutes. I know you just broke your ankle, but rules are rules.
3. If you are confirmed as the next Supreme Court justice, how can we be sure that white men in America will ever be given a fair shake again?
4. As the last Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts had a very easy name to pronounce. Would you be willing to go with something simpler, like "Judy Johnson" or maybe a "Pam Smith" sort of arrangement?
5. Before we get started, could you grab me a cup of coffee, Honey? Two creams, no sugar.
Douglas's list:
1. The committee chair regrets to inform Miss Sotomayor that I do not hablo any of your esspanya. Is that going to be a problem during questioning?
2. I understand that you have no plans to get pregnant in the immediate future but you are a fertile people and it is therefore perfectly justifiable to ask whether or not you intend to request significant amounts of maternity leave.
3. Were you to become a member of the Supreme Court, would you use that as an opportunity to defect from whatever country you're from?
4. I'm sorry, could you please repeat that answer? It sounded as though you said you have never worked as a motel maid.
5. While not completely versed in your particular culture, I have seen many episodes of both Miami Vice and CSI Miami. Now... your people tend to do a lot of drugs, is that a fair statement?
We'd love to hear what you think about these hearings as well. If there's anything that you think the Republicans could do or say to stop Sotomayor's nomination, don't just sit there - tell us in the Comments section below! Well, I guess you could just sit there while letting us know. In fact, it might be easier. Are you still here?
Wanna read more?
Philip's list:
1. I see here that you graduated summa cum laude from Princeton and then went on to Yale Law School, followed by helping low-income families find housing and securing insurance and hospice care for AIDS patients, all of which leads to one inescapable question: Why do you hate America?
2. One of the requirements for entering the Supreme Court is that you must run around the Capitol Building in under two minutes. I know you just broke your ankle, but rules are rules.
3. If you are confirmed as the next Supreme Court justice, how can we be sure that white men in America will ever be given a fair shake again?
4. As the last Supreme Court nominee, John Roberts had a very easy name to pronounce. Would you be willing to go with something simpler, like "Judy Johnson" or maybe a "Pam Smith" sort of arrangement?
5. Before we get started, could you grab me a cup of coffee, Honey? Two creams, no sugar.
Douglas's list:
1. The committee chair regrets to inform Miss Sotomayor that I do not hablo any of your esspanya. Is that going to be a problem during questioning?
2. I understand that you have no plans to get pregnant in the immediate future but you are a fertile people and it is therefore perfectly justifiable to ask whether or not you intend to request significant amounts of maternity leave.
3. Were you to become a member of the Supreme Court, would you use that as an opportunity to defect from whatever country you're from?
4. I'm sorry, could you please repeat that answer? It sounded as though you said you have never worked as a motel maid.
5. While not completely versed in your particular culture, I have seen many episodes of both Miami Vice and CSI Miami. Now... your people tend to do a lot of drugs, is that a fair statement?
We'd love to hear what you think about these hearings as well. If there's anything that you think the Republicans could do or say to stop Sotomayor's nomination, don't just sit there - tell us in the Comments section below! Well, I guess you could just sit there while letting us know. In fact, it might be easier. Are you still here?
Wanna read more?
Caption Winners - 7/13/09
First of all, you're all winners in my book. My book just happens to be titled, "How To Not Win Photo Caption Contests". Except for two of you, and you know who you are. Oh sorry...I guess you don't know, do you? Well let's not keep everyone in suspense.
Any longer.
Than we have to.
Our first photo last week was of a finally-successful new Senator from Minnesota, Al Franken. He and his wife Frannie popped out to their front stoop to wave to a few reporters once he was announced the winner. Speaking of winners, this one goes to our first double-winner:
Moooooog35 - With Ben long in his sights, Al Franken takes the first step towards the 2012 "Franken/Stein" Presidential ticket.
The orginal photo was lost in cyberspace but this one will do:
For our next picture, I still don't know what the hell it is. Something about dervishes. Your guess is as good as mine. But the picture was funny so we went with it. We have a virgin winner this time. Meaning she hasn't won this contest before. You can't seriously expect that we meant something else?
Sue - And the search continues for new Devo band members. Seen here, the new recruits are being whipped into shape.
Congratulations you two on wining this artful trophy.
Please come back tomorrow for more exciting blah blah blah....
Wanna read more?
Any longer.
Than we have to.
Our first photo last week was of a finally-successful new Senator from Minnesota, Al Franken. He and his wife Frannie popped out to their front stoop to wave to a few reporters once he was announced the winner. Speaking of winners, this one goes to our first double-winner:
Moooooog35 - With Ben long in his sights, Al Franken takes the first step towards the 2012 "Franken/Stein" Presidential ticket.
The orginal photo was lost in cyberspace but this one will do:
For our next picture, I still don't know what the hell it is. Something about dervishes. Your guess is as good as mine. But the picture was funny so we went with it. We have a virgin winner this time. Meaning she hasn't won this contest before. You can't seriously expect that we meant something else?
Sue - And the search continues for new Devo band members. Seen here, the new recruits are being whipped into shape.
Congratulations you two on wining this artful trophy.
Please come back tomorrow for more exciting blah blah blah....
Wanna read more?
Friday, July 10, 2009
5 Photo Captions - Bowing Dervishes
We know that you're probably used to seeing your Dervishes in more of a whirling motif, but this prone position works just fine for us. You have lots to work with this week, folks -- funny hats, faces on the ground, long black robes. This is a captioneering wet dream, so you're going to want to jump all over it. We submit these humble offerings for your perusal, but what we really want is to read what all of you think about these thimble-headed dudes. Holla!
Douglas's list:
1. When you translate the "Hokey Pokey" into Turkish, you get really disturbing results.
2. "There has got to be a better way to get out these smudges. Don't you guys have a Swiffer or something?"
3. The Supreme Court had no idea what Ashton Kutcher meant by "You've just been punked," but they did know that he was about to be fast-tracked to a really rapey prison.
4. Yes their services were expensive but they had never failed to find a contact lens.
5. Willy Wonka said the floor would taste like butterscotch. Willy Wonka lied.
Philip's list:
1. "Hey, my board smells like feet and ass too. How about yours, Faruk?"
2. Turkish scientists caused a commotion during the unveiling of their new pheromone compound when they accidentally spilled it on the floor.
3. The most humble man in the group is chosen to be the Goddess's tampon for the entire year.
4. "Remember the rules, gentlemen - the first one to slide his quarter to the other side of the gym using only his nose wins a brand new camel!"
5. People probably wouldn't respect the Supreme Court as much if they knew what their initiation process involved.
In today's economy, you can't just pass up an opportunity to win a major award like the awesome cartoon featured below. Submit your caption today!
Wanna read more?
Douglas's list:
1. When you translate the "Hokey Pokey" into Turkish, you get really disturbing results.
2. "There has got to be a better way to get out these smudges. Don't you guys have a Swiffer or something?"
3. The Supreme Court had no idea what Ashton Kutcher meant by "You've just been punked," but they did know that he was about to be fast-tracked to a really rapey prison.
4. Yes their services were expensive but they had never failed to find a contact lens.
5. Willy Wonka said the floor would taste like butterscotch. Willy Wonka lied.
Philip's list:
1. "Hey, my board smells like feet and ass too. How about yours, Faruk?"
2. Turkish scientists caused a commotion during the unveiling of their new pheromone compound when they accidentally spilled it on the floor.
3. The most humble man in the group is chosen to be the Goddess's tampon for the entire year.
4. "Remember the rules, gentlemen - the first one to slide his quarter to the other side of the gym using only his nose wins a brand new camel!"
5. People probably wouldn't respect the Supreme Court as much if they knew what their initiation process involved.
In today's economy, you can't just pass up an opportunity to win a major award like the awesome cartoon featured below. Submit your caption today!
Wanna read more?
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Top 5 Scenes Left Out Of The Brüno Movie
Following up on the success of “Borat,” Sacha Baron Cohen’s new movie “Brüno” opens this week, featuring a gay Austrian fashion journalist learning all about America. The movie is causing controversy because of its outrageous stunts and practical jokes, but there were actually several things that they cut out of the movie for being too offensive. We have investigated this thoroughly (assuming that "thoroughly" means "not at all") and come up with a list of them just for you:
Philip's list:
1. Went to a sensitivity training seminar wearing a t-shirt that said “Bon Appetit” with an arrow pointing at his crotch.
2. Did a 10-minute phone interview with Larry King while having sex the entire time with Perez Hilton.
3. Accidentally killed Tyra Banks in a “fierce off.”
4. Attended mass at St Patrick’s Cathedral wearing his “I don’t mind if you’re straight as long as you act gay in public” t-shirt.
5. During interview with Hillary Clinton, asked where she had her sex change done.
Douglas's List:
1. Fake interview with Dr. Phil actually cured him of his fake homosexuality.
2. Unwittingly became first person in history to get ass kicked by Dennis Kucinich.
3. Poo flinging contest with Bubbles the Chimp went horribly awry.
4. Unexpectedly won suit on Judge Judy Show brought against George Michaels for giving gay a bad name.
5. First guest to be removed from Rachel Ray show after trying to put "special sauce" in her 30-minute meal.
If you know about any other omitted scenes from Brüno, please let us know in the Comments Section. Danke schön!
Wanna read more?
Philip's list:
1. Went to a sensitivity training seminar wearing a t-shirt that said “Bon Appetit” with an arrow pointing at his crotch.
2. Did a 10-minute phone interview with Larry King while having sex the entire time with Perez Hilton.
3. Accidentally killed Tyra Banks in a “fierce off.”
4. Attended mass at St Patrick’s Cathedral wearing his “I don’t mind if you’re straight as long as you act gay in public” t-shirt.
5. During interview with Hillary Clinton, asked where she had her sex change done.
Douglas's List:
1. Fake interview with Dr. Phil actually cured him of his fake homosexuality.
2. Unwittingly became first person in history to get ass kicked by Dennis Kucinich.
3. Poo flinging contest with Bubbles the Chimp went horribly awry.
4. Unexpectedly won suit on Judge Judy Show brought against George Michaels for giving gay a bad name.
5. First guest to be removed from Rachel Ray show after trying to put "special sauce" in her 30-minute meal.
If you know about any other omitted scenes from Brüno, please let us know in the Comments Section. Danke schön!
Wanna read more?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
I Thought I Was a Dog Person
I’ve spent my whole life assuming that I was a dog person. This is not just because of my abiding distaste for cats, who seem to believe that their agenda is somehow more important than my own, but because I’ve always liked dogs and enjoy playing with them whenever they're around. I had no idea that I was actually just an “other peoples’ dogs person.”
You know how when you go to a friend’s house and have a lot of fun playing with their kids, teaching them to appreciate a fine single-malt Scotch or how to properly align the site of a pellet gun before shooting the neighbor’s window? It’s not until you have a kid of your own that you realize just how much work they are, and only then do you find out that your hospital has no return policy at all. None!
So why do I bring this up now? Because I’m dog-sitting for a family while they are out of town. Until the moment that I became responsible for this dog, I liked him just fine. Now he is the bane of my existence. There’s not a thing wrong with him other than his tendency to howl whenever I enter or leave the house and his uncanny ability to find and devour any human food products in the house. Seriously, I could duct-tape a hot dog to the ceiling and he will either sprout wings or find a way to affix suction cups to his paws.
But that’s not what bothers me about him – it’s the fact that he won’t leave my side for a single damn second! It’s so annoying! He follows me when I go get the mail. He follows me when I rinse out his water bowl. He follows me when I try to have my special private time in the upstairs bathroom. I finally understand what my ex-girlfriend was complaining about! Well, parts of it.
Actually, my brief time with this dog (I’ll call him Snoopy, to protect Shiloh’s identity) has taught me so much about how to mess up a relationship that I’m pretty sure I’ll actually end up liking him by the time his owners come back. Since Shiloh –I mean Snoopy!- won’t leave me the hell alone, I never want to be around him. If he were capable of understanding even the most basic concepts of Mystery’s PUA seminar (which I’ve never spent $3500 to attend at the downtown Radisson and then ended up having to leave early because of an unfortunate misunderstanding during the “kino” assignment), he would know that he should actually “neg” me -or say something negative about me- if he wants me to like being around him. Rather than lying down on my feet when I sit on the couch, he should be asking me if I’ve either put on weight or just started washing my shirts in hot water. I would totally respond to that, and not just because the dog has suddenly acquired the ability to talk.
So now I’m eager to try out my newfound relationship skillz on some unsuspecting bitch (What? That’s what Shiloh calls them!) to see if they work better than what I've been doing, which is to call them incessantly until they change their phone number and secretly move out of their apartment and into that new building down on Folsom and 27th. Why won't you love me, Arlene?! For some reason, the laydeez don't seem to respond well to that strategy, so I'm going to play the ignoring game from now on to see if that helps. If it doesn’t work, then I'm going to start working on that whole butt-sniffing approach. I have a good feeling about that one.
Wanna read more?
You know how when you go to a friend’s house and have a lot of fun playing with their kids, teaching them to appreciate a fine single-malt Scotch or how to properly align the site of a pellet gun before shooting the neighbor’s window? It’s not until you have a kid of your own that you realize just how much work they are, and only then do you find out that your hospital has no return policy at all. None!
So why do I bring this up now? Because I’m dog-sitting for a family while they are out of town. Until the moment that I became responsible for this dog, I liked him just fine. Now he is the bane of my existence. There’s not a thing wrong with him other than his tendency to howl whenever I enter or leave the house and his uncanny ability to find and devour any human food products in the house. Seriously, I could duct-tape a hot dog to the ceiling and he will either sprout wings or find a way to affix suction cups to his paws.
But that’s not what bothers me about him – it’s the fact that he won’t leave my side for a single damn second! It’s so annoying! He follows me when I go get the mail. He follows me when I rinse out his water bowl. He follows me when I try to have my special private time in the upstairs bathroom. I finally understand what my ex-girlfriend was complaining about! Well, parts of it.
Actually, my brief time with this dog (I’ll call him Snoopy, to protect Shiloh’s identity) has taught me so much about how to mess up a relationship that I’m pretty sure I’ll actually end up liking him by the time his owners come back. Since Shiloh –I mean Snoopy!- won’t leave me the hell alone, I never want to be around him. If he were capable of understanding even the most basic concepts of Mystery’s PUA seminar (which I’ve never spent $3500 to attend at the downtown Radisson and then ended up having to leave early because of an unfortunate misunderstanding during the “kino” assignment), he would know that he should actually “neg” me -or say something negative about me- if he wants me to like being around him. Rather than lying down on my feet when I sit on the couch, he should be asking me if I’ve either put on weight or just started washing my shirts in hot water. I would totally respond to that, and not just because the dog has suddenly acquired the ability to talk.
So now I’m eager to try out my newfound relationship skillz on some unsuspecting bitch (What? That’s what Shiloh calls them!) to see if they work better than what I've been doing, which is to call them incessantly until they change their phone number and secretly move out of their apartment and into that new building down on Folsom and 27th. Why won't you love me, Arlene?! For some reason, the laydeez don't seem to respond well to that strategy, so I'm going to play the ignoring game from now on to see if that helps. If it doesn’t work, then I'm going to start working on that whole butt-sniffing approach. I have a good feeling about that one.
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